Well folks, I write ✍️ this on day 2 of the family cruise. Today is a see day and it’s 2pm. I’m just having a rest and writing to you. It’s very cathartic and almost a form of journaling.
Yesterday was tough, mostly due to my overthinking and putting unnecessary expectations. Something as simple as me thinking that a shopping trip to target and Walmart was going to change the world. I should have just gone into it, and take it for what it is. Sadly I then look at obesity and people in mobile scooter wheel chair things and my mind starts to worry about the world and state of affairs. I also hadn’t slept for a long time.
Once we were settled on the ship I dished out all the gifts. Again, I put unnecessary false expectations that they would live what I got them. They appreciated the gifts but that was it.
I got some unexpected gifts too. My sister bought me a really nice black swimsuit, a hair band that matches hers and some starburst. She remembers me liking them.
My mom bought me my requested organic Canadian maple syrup and also some Jelly Belly Jelly beans. I went through a phase as a teen when I loved them.
I had also asked to see photos of her pregnant with me. I just don’t recall ever seeing any. I’m so happy that she brought me some. If I didn’t hate the internet so much I would share them here with you. If you know me, ask me and I’ll message them over. It was very humbling, she was only a baby when she had me. She was 22 and had married my dad after 6 days when she was 19. 2 of the photos are of her sitting at her desk at work receiving gifts for the upcoming birth of me. 4 pictures were at the hospital the day she had me. Just looking at Victorian-ness of the hospital takes me back. It was so 70’s as are the graininess of the pictures. My mom looked beautiful. It’s a fucking shame that I’m writing it here, and I didn’t tell her yesterday when I was looking at the photos right in-front of her. Absolutely shameful, I’ll tell her today. I promise you. I will report back.
The 5 of us had a chat about final wishes, hospice care, DNR (do not resuscitate), funerals and wills. It was very interesting and I would say it’s was very much something Dave Ramsey would agree with. (Go check him out). On his radio talk show she so often talks about fair is not the same as equal. My mom’s will is secret, only she and the notary know the details. She did elude to percentages. I think I’m getting the least and I’m good with that. I’m actually glad that I know. Firstly I want both my parents and siblings to live long healthy lives. I’m so fortunate that I’m really set up, I have a home, a car, a job that pays for the home etc. My brother and sister just have the job part.
I found out that my sister is giving her body to the neurological institute, one of her high-school friends just died of a brain tumour. It’s also the same hospital that treated Steph’s mom. (You’ll really have to go to old blog entries where I talk about Steph).
My beloved coach sent me a message before I left. This was slightly based on me complaining and her also knowing me well. This is what she sent me. - side note, she’s the best coach ever. Reach out if you want her details.
Coach message start
Isn't it interesting how each of your family members trauma shows up in different ways and yet they all show up in similar ways as yours does. You ALL have the same wounds. You ALL have mental health issues. You ALL have a need to send data and your opinions. You ALL have the need to be right or know it all. You ALL have some sort of health issues. And the funniest thing about the entire family dichotomy...you ALL think the other person is the one with the issues.
This is why the observation with NO judgment is so important.
When you TRULY break it down, they are just reflecting to you what EXISTS in YOU. And vice versa.
When we TRULY understand that... then we get that the relationships in our lives are our greatest teachers ❤️
They are not better than you
You are not better than them
They or you are NOT right or wrong. You are ALL just experiencing your life's experiences, traumas, wounds, wars, losses, needs etc.,
We hold grace for others. We ALLOW. In its purest form... they are teaching us.
Have fun today
(End)
A few hours later… so I told my mom that she was really young and beautiful in the pictures. She snapped back and said, I’m still beautiful. I then replied saying, I didn’t say you weren’t. Sheesh
I’m trying to do my best and just observe, be as humble as possible. When it comes to my family I’m not the best at this but I’m working hard at it. Part of this means to respond (if needed - not always needed) vs reacting.
At lunch earlier, dementia dad, remembered a cruise with my mother and brother. This is the first cruise that my bother and sister have ever been on, it’s also the first family cruise. My divorced parents have never cruised in their marriage that dissolved years ago. You get the point. My brother then corrected him, while my mom just looked at me and rolled her eyes trying to get my attention or a reaction.
I choose to pipe in this time because it’s not the first time that she has been doing it. I calmly asked her what she wanted from her actions. Was she wanting a reaction from me? I told her that there is nothing to say. She apologised and I’m hopeful that I’ve cut this one in the bud.
Later is was just myself and my father at the table. The others had gone, I sat with him while he had his fruit platter for dessert. My dad has always been great at eating fruit. Throughout my lifetime, he has brought me fruit. This could be to my bedroom when I lived with him or even if I was in front of the TV in the lough. He would cut apples for us, wash grapes. When our time is up, one must remember the good with the bad. I do remember the good, trust me I do. It’s just that I’ve been working on clearing off the bad so that’s it’s no longer a weight. It’s like putting down the suitcase of stuff that I no longer need.
When it came to conversation he just asks me about my house. I’ve lived in the same London house now for 21 years. My dad doesn’t know how to talk about feelings, fear, love, needs etc. I get it, he was born in 1945 and he is from a different era. I also have no desire or need to change him. Me engaging in conversation about my house is his way of loving me. So! I told him about the plumber that was over this week who changed the taps, told him about new carpet on the stairs and landing that was installed in November. He asked about the sheds in the garden, did they come flat pack, or did my chippe housemate build it. I felt in our conversation that I may have become a bit softer and more gentle. I’m not an ogre, I’m just trying to go with the flow and have more compassion and less judgment all round.
It was after the meal that I came back to cabin and had a little chill time. I don’t even need to nap, just being alone, listening to music and typing to you helps process it all.
After the break, my mom and I joined The family beanbag toss competition. My sister and dad watched. It was fun, maybe the first bit of fun that I’ve had so far.
Let’s take a little detour and talk about fun. I was recently telling Coach that I don’t actually know what fun feels like. I almost never laugh, I don’t smile enough and I don’t actually have a lot of fun. Nor am I miserable or disconnect. I still feel joy, but that’s based on the little and big things in life. I actively practice gratitude. I can remember some wild fun times full of giggles and silliness but all of that was when I was under the influence of alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker so I can have whale of a time on 1 to 3 drinks. It doesn’t take a lot. However for reasons I haven’t even fully explored, I’m T-total since the beginning of the year. When people I ask, I’ve said I want to get to my goal weight of 16 kg lighter than I am now. Once I reach that, I’ll reevaluate.
Back to the cruise, my brother and sister both did some rock climbing 🧗. My brother regularly does this as a sport at home and it was sister’s first time. It was fun watching my parents take pictures of their kids doing activities. I like the parallels of this being the same and consist for all of our sports and activities growing up. You’ll find pictures of said child playing or doing. Tennis, ballet, jazz, drama, soccer, skating etc.
I haven’t told them yet about my upcoming surgery. I have never had general anaesthetic. This part doesn’t thrill me, but I know it’s part of the deal. I’m having an open septorhinoplasty turbinate reduction. Pretty much a nose job so that I can breathe better. I’ll tell them on this trip. It’s not a big deal, it’s just they have had a lot on themselves and I’m not seeking attention. I just want them to know and they can send me good vibes. You can all send me good vibes on the 19th.
A few hours later.
Would you guess what? After dinner we attended a quiz. It was actually the third quiz of the day. Would you believe we all have something is common, we all like quizzes. The first 2 of the day we did as a family but this evening, the sis and bro decided to compete. I ended up joining my brother’s team. Would you believe it! We won. 🙌 we got 25/26 not bad. One of the correct answers was St.Paul’s Cathedral, and I said, I’ve been going there recently to pray. Guys if you haven’t been, it’s worth a visit. So peaceful.
This evening I also told them about the surgery post quiz. They only had a few questions. My mother didn’t have any answers seemed to be hard done by. She said she’ll come back to me for questions. “I need time to process.”
Bedtime now
Breakfast at 7:30 and Grand Caymen
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