My cup

​Just wanted to come on and say hi. 

I’ve been lying low recently, more than normal. There are a few reason for this. One is my health, it’s been so up and down (for ever) and the trick is to just listen to my body and rest. I’ve had so many acutes that my body doesn’t even know what normal feels like. I had to say, thank goodness was for TV, Films, Books and podcasts. 

Another reason why I’m still in hibernation despite it being Spring is that it costs so much to go out. Even a walk into town results in an expense, eggs, bread, chai etc. Luckily I can afford these things, I’m just trying to spend less and only make purchases that are really a necessity. A pro of being more mindful with my money, is that financial pressures will be easing up soon. Hooray for that! 

I had a massive download last night. Here I go. So if I was a cup, all the work, therapy, coaching etc has helped to identify and fill-in, any holes, so that my cup no longer has leaks. This is now complete! Yippee 🙌 Hooray 🥳

(I’m still getting to the download) Over the years I’m done major work on my inner voice. That’s the voice in your head that can tell you, you’re shit or that you’re fucking amazing. It’s also the voice that should be telling you doily that you love you. 

So last night when I was wishing myself good night, and telling myself that I love me. I could see / feel this daily exercise is also scanning my cup for holes, leaks, cracks. It’s a like daily self assessment. And because things are looking good, my cup is getting stronger and stronger. Think of it as a thin paper cup that had turned into steel over time. 

And just incase you didn’t already know. My cup has always been half full, but now it’s getting fuller and fuller. Eventually my cup will be so full that it will overflow into the cup of my beloved. Watch this space 

Xxxx

Fun and games, with an A&E visit

Well, hi there, 

Welcome to another edition of the adventures of moi.

For dramatic flair, this entry is being written from the A&E. Sunday night 19:47

It’s been a month! Way more feelings and emotions than this girl is used to. 

A little over 2 weeks ago, I got some new from a friend re the lack of an invitation. This should not and is not a big deal, I was shocked and saddened. I cried for 2 days and internally reevaluated every friendship and interaction I have had. This is very overboard I know. 

Thank god I have a coach. She is a godsend and it’s a privilege that I get to unpick things with her. Pretty much, folks, everything is linked to childhood wounds. Until they are resolved, they show up in many ways. I’ll leave this story here, but all you need to know is I cried A LOT and was VERY sad.

Days later, my mom was in a bad way with her health and in the hospital. She had a few days in the A&E, then home for a day before going in for a procedure and back home. Then she rushed back to the A&E after things got dramatic. This then led to a couple of days in the intensive care unit (ICU). If you’re in the ICU, things aren’t great but I’m mindful of respecting her privacy. She was then discharged to recover and may need an organ removed in the future. 

8 days ago, I received a frantic call from her saying that she wanted to tell me that she loves me and she has this fear of dying. She thought she would die. As an observer, clearly the recent experience she had was very traumatic and triggered. So many people have genuine trauma from hospital experiences. 

Now back to me. Before the call, I was going about my merry business. I saw a fantastic film (which I do want to blog about), The Voice of Hind Rajab, followed by a rare wagyu steak at Flat Iron. 

After the phone call, I ran to the loo. I’ll save the details, just knowing that I ran should explain. A few days later, more issues etc. I eventually had to call in sick at work. We are now on day 8. When it comes to my health, the majority of the time, rest is best. And rest genuinely has worked a a treat. I’m good at resting, I’ve almost mastered it. While resting, I’m hoping my body is healing etc, however, I have had really, really bad cramping throughout. 

This experience so far has been a kick up the backside when it comes to my diet. I need to make big changes to get healthy and to loose this weight. For the last few days, I’ve made healthy wise decisions. I was hoping that my body would be happy with that, and all will be well. 

Unfortunately, again I was back in the painful situation and enough is enough. I know when “the rest” is not working. It’s a Sunday, and not a great day to be unwell but what can you do. At 4pm I knew it was time to seek medical attention; the rest, clean eating wasn’t doing the trick. Instead of fucking getting up and making tracks, I called 111.

I called 111 because I’m pretty sure that I need antibiotics. I was hoping they could prescribe me something maybe. 

There is a part of the brain that thinks I’m not worthy and I don’t want to waste the resources of the National Health Service. I then compare my situation to more severe cases. 

The 111 call lasted 21 minutes, during which they sent me to a pharmacy where I had to go through all the details again, only to be told that they can’t give me antibiotics and I need to go to the A&E. 

So here I am. Now let’s talk about the more important matter/leaning/understanding that came up in my recent coaching session. 

It’s all about parenting the inner child and listening to and attending to those needs. I need to listen to myself more and stop seeking advice and approval from others. I’m still shit at this.

I fucking faffed around for ages with guilt and seeking approval from others. The 2 people I spoke to thought I should go to sleep and wait a few hours for Monday morning to roll around, when I can see my GP. They aren’t wrong, however, by be being here, I’m choosing myself! I’m taking care of me, I’m parenting me.

I’m also grateful as fuck that I live in a country that provides this service to me free of charge. This is where some of my tax-paying money goes. 

Part 2 - written the next day. 

At 23:00, I was seen by a wonderful Emergency Department doctor. She diagnosed me with gastroenteritis. My test results also showed something was up. 

Things take time in a hospital, and I only left 1:30am. During that time, man was I reflecting and counting my blessings. There were many people in pain, distress and fear. I was in a separate room with 6 chairs and an open door. This is where I had an IV drip 💧 of Sodium Lactate. I was also watered and fed. I felt like such a numpty when the beautiful Filipino nurse asked me what I would like to drink. I replied with, what do you have?. She looked at me and said, one 2 things. Tea or coffee. I said tea please and she asked how I would like it. I cheated and had a tiny bit of sugar. She also brought me a chicken sandwich and said they had ham but she thought that I don’t eat ham. (I tell you people, these unconscious bias that we hold runs deep. Just because of my colour, it doesn’t mean I’m Muslim. Do you even know how much I missed bacon 🥓 during my 13 years of veganism). Anyhow, I’m too cool to hold this unconscious bias against this lady who is trying to feed me, help me, heal me. I just replied with, I eat ham too but chicken is good. 👍 I’ll stick to this. 

It was quite a yummy sandwich 🥪 in all honesty. Shame about the ingredients. I’ll post this here but I would love to talk more on that also. 

The drip was taking ages, so eventually, she adjusted the stream, and before you know it, I was done. After that, I attempted to produce a sample but it wasn’t to be. Plan B was to bring it to my local GP once I had the goods. 

My doctor liked me. I know, I can tell, and this does happen to me a lot. The key folks is to be respectful and carry yourself with gratitude and compassion. 

A few hours earlier, I had asked her for a printout of my blood test results. She explained that they weren’t allowed to, but she would. Once more, she said they shouldn’t. Other than saying thank you, I totally left that there. While I had my drip in, she hand-delivered it to me. 

Upon discharge, a nurse or even a healthcare assistant would have removed my IV cannula, but not for me. She came back and removed it herself in the room that I was in. As she was showing me out, we passed the nursing desk, and another nurse asked her if she could remove my cannula. Love how they are checking for the well-being of the patient. Teamwork makes the dream work. 

As I’m typing 💬 these words, I’m thinking 🤔…: man I should be writing to PALS. In my 6000 roles and careers, I actually worked for this NHS trust in the PALS team. PALS stands for patient advice and liaison service. Really, it’s the department that gets the letters of things that have gone very, very wrong. Lawsuits and the rest. 

How freaking nice would it be for the team to get a thumbs 👍 up message? My letter would cover the 6 people I interacted with.

Tuesday update: I'm feeling better

My nervous system and an hour later

​Well hay there, where have you been?

So I’ve just journaled, this will be my new thing. Do you know for the last 15 years people have been telling me to do this. Even when I’ve seen mediums, it’s one of the things they have said. 

Anyhow, I’m writing this from my second home. To be honest it feels like my primary residence, but it’s not. It’s a flat that belongs to a mate who lets me stay when he is away. He is away a lot. I’ve actually lost count now of how many times I’ve stayed. I even have my family meet me here for local walks and the rest. 

Tonight, I seem to have thrown my rattle. Or did I throw out the baby with the bath water. Whichever the saying is. I’ve behaved badly. I’ll probably have to explain myself later. 

The story, whenever I’m here, if it’s cold, all I need to do to move the mobile thermostat to the windowsill and then the heating kicks in. Tonight it didn’t and man have I been in a fucking panic. Now seriously Leena, get a grip. -1 is cold but I am indoors and it’s not -1 in here. Plus for heaven’s sakes you’re Canadian. You lived through the 1996 ice storm. Even though I should have got a grip sooner, it took me an hour to connects the dots. (Dots coming soon)

In my hour of child like behaviour, I found the PDF of the thermostat but failed to get it to work. When it comes to instructions, there are some that just don’t work for me. It could also have to do with me bitching about digital and missing the analog Honeywell thermostat. 

Then I texted my plumber, he’s very good to me. I kinda fancy him, but alas he’s taken. We still hug when we see each other, but that’s ok. - diversion here. I realised I liked him when he was fixing the hot water tank. He was sitting on the floor and I was heading out. I went over to say bye to him and I put my hands through his hair. I’ve never done that to a stranger before. Back to today, He texted back with a few options. I also hopefully managed to get the manual setting to work. It’s on now and it needs to stay on through the night. 

Now for the pathetic mess. The gracious friend who’s given me his house, is in the Netherlands at the moment, for a family funeral. He is also with his siblings who I knew he doesn’t see that often. 

I should not have texted. The first was a picture of the thermostat saying I have a problem. The next was the PDF of the user manual. The 3 (shameful) is this photo.

With this caption:

Where big baby Leena is sitting for a bit. 🤏 

Sorry for being a child. I can handle almost anything in life including death. 

Cold on the other hand, I fail miserably. (Side note: every flat in this block has 1 central radiator in the hall that is on and warm - all the others are part of the flat)

Let’s recap what a year of coaching has done, on foundations of therapy, EMDR and hundreds of hours of books and podcasts. 

So! We all have childhood wounds that are the route of most of our triggers. My 2 biggies are the injustice wound and the abandonment wound. This can include self abandonment. 

So the first text is really me feeling an injustice that I’m cold and that the heating is supposed to work. 

The next text with the PDF manual is the child in me wanting a parent to say, well done 👏 for trying to get it to work. 

The third text is total attention seeking and linked to being heavily ignored by my primary caregivers.

(Go read books on attachment, bonding etc. read John Bowlby and Mary Ainsily)

Now with growth and being a Virgo, I dissect  everything. Sometimes I’m quick and I can suss it out right away, without having a triggers on my nervous system. Sometimes there is a delay. 

So in that hour, my nervous systems goes into non sensical panic. Remember, everything is tied to something else. 

I loosely mentioned this the 2025 posts about the lion. It was bad, really bad. When I was at the farm in 2024, there was no heat. No central heating. Just a wood burner that I couldn’t switch on. It was not a normal one, trust me. Once it was going I could feed it logs 🪵 but that was it. I froze at night. It was very cold in Massachusetts and I got sick. Very sick. The whole thing was shite and I flew home early. Within 4 hours of knowing I was abandoning all my worth by staying there, I boarded a BA flight ✈️ home. Let’s just say hallelujah 🙌 one more time. 

Fast forward to 2026. So even though this story is totally different, the body, the mind and the nervous system don’t know what’s happening. my genes 🧬, my cells have memory. They remember that terrible time. 

Now that I’m so (damn nearly) healed, I can tell my brain that everything is ok. I can even tell you!

Talk soon people

L xx

Should have declined the call

Holy fuckeroo! I wanted to end the month of May with other blog worthy topic but I had a call a few hours ago that I need to write about. 

From the last entry you’ll see that my dad was in the A&E with a UTI. Then the following week my sister was rushed to the A&E with a pseudo brain tumor. She had gone for a routine eye test and they saw something. Fast forward blood tests, CT scans, MRI, lumbar puncture, neurological doctors and more optometrists. She will survive! (she has Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension)

She can’t change her gender (let’s not go there), or her age, but she can change her weight and get to a healthy BMI. I have thoughts on that too but she is choosing to take meds with side effects while working on her weight.  Her body, her life, her decisions.

She’s been trying to help my dad pack. He moves out of his house of 30 years. I’ve declined flying across the pond. My bro who is 5 hours away has also opted no. So my sister and my father’s ex wife (aka my mother) have gone to help. 

Now remember my dad and all of my family are hard work. Good people but hard work. I jumped ship at 22 and this is how I’m still standing. (I moved across the pond). I’m not saying any of it is easy, however if you have been breathing on this plant. You will know that you can’t change people. You either accept it or walk. It’s as simple as that. Yes it’s all complicated and nuanced. Yes for every action there is a reaction. But you need to make a decision and accept it. Bitching and winging doesn’t help anyone. If you have to get it out, find a healthy way. Get a therapist, get a coach, move your body, find a sport, go into a sound booth and scream. (Write a blog post)

Side note: I personally scream with my kettle when it’s whistling. It’s super loud. Stainless steel stove top kettle. Plastic electric kettles are dangerous when it comes to Microplastics. 

So on Monday, the moving trucks arrive at my dad’s to move him to his assisted living flat. My sister and my mom were at his place today trying to do final things and then it went all wrong. It was the fault of my dad and my sister was starting to see white spots. The strong meds she is on, is to prevent blindness. So my mom decided that they should both leave and go back to their respective homes.

All of this is cool. I get it, there is jack shit I can do. 

However she calls to recount the whole story, bitch about him and call him an asshole. Side note.. can you imagine what the divorce was like. Having to listen to her for all of that. 

Not my fucking problem. Don’t have kids or in my case… it’s too late so just leave me alone. I’m going to have to go back to not taking calls.

The brain is such a mystery, the entire time she was talking, I was super numb. It’s like I checked out and walked away. I was listening but there is no emotion. Now I use my energy, time and effort on staying regulated. I did a good job. I was deregulated for most of my life. 

Laters 👋 

That was tough

This weekend was not easy. On Friday, I had found out that a family friend had passed away at 61. The day was an opportunity to visit the family at a community hall and pay your respects and condolences. It’s almost 3 hours away from me but I knew I wanted to go. 

I’ve had a spiritual teacher for many years and prior to having a mortgage, I travelled a lot. I would go to speaking events on the topic of inner peace and there would be all the same familiar faces. This man and his wife were part of the group. Everyone is so happy and joyful, we would often stay in the same hotels, share cabs, meals, smiles, hugs and say see you at the next one. 

My faithful blog readers know that I have been through a lot. Even looking at me and smiling is very BIG in my world. We all need to be seen, and this is one of my biggest childhood wounds. (Thank you coach for teaching me and helping me connect the dots). For the 2025 parents out there who are hiding behind their phones when their child is with them. Just stop. Anyhow so I’m talking to the deceased man’s kids, maybe they are in their late 20’s. I didn’t have much to say other than I’m so sorry and your dad was so nice to me. He was so nice to everyone. I’m talking to them and tears are rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now. I have never even met his kids let alone seen him in years. My aunts and uncles who are his age saw him much more and so I was with them during the visit. 

Then there is the cat. So I have always been afraid of animals, I like them but don’t go close, touch them, stroke them etc. This fear came from my mom, maybe my dad, too. However, I moved countries at 22. Now, when I’m driving in the countryside and I see sheep and cows. I’ll stop the car if it’s safe and talk to the animals, This has been going on for at least 15 years. If friends have dogs, they have become friends. Cats less so. For ages, I would say that they are snakes on legs. It’s just that they can appear out of nowhere. 

Last year after many years of the cat next door living there, he warmed up to us (housemate and I) and vice versa. 

During my heartbreak re the Lion. The cast would sit with me for hours. He (cat) mostly just sleeps, that’s what cats do, especially old ones. Our home is safe so he can really let go and not have to nap outside with one eye open.

Yesterday he was really sick, there was pain in his eyes, and no energy. It was scary because we didn’t want him to pass in the night outside. His owners didn’t even bring him in etc. 

So I said to my housemate. Some creatures, including humans, who want to die alone. The number of stories where the families have just left the hospice the person dies is countless. And then there are others, that don’t want to be alone. They are scared. That is the cat, that is my dad. ( we will get to Dad shortly). So the cat slept through the night next to the housemate in his room. This morning housemate and I confirmed that neither of us slept. Monsieur cat is alive, slightly less lethargic and out of the house (albeit the fact that he is on the mat literally outside the front door)

(Pause to apply conditioner- yep this entry is from the office / my bathtub)

Now, let’s get to my dad. I’m already upset about recent bereavement and cat. Then I find out from my sister that her and my mom (sister doesn’t drive) are bringing my dad to the A&E / ER on Sunday night with a suspected UTI. What I find sad is my sister would not wait with him in the waiting room. I know my dad has brought so much trauma upon us but he’s not going to have an outburst in the waiting room. Plus he is majorly showing signs of dementia. Am I being unreasonable when I think it’s sad that she won’t stay with him. There is zero point going into it with my family. All I said was he would wait with us for all of the emergency visits. He did have 3 kids. Her response was, he’s the parent. There is truth to that too. 

Anyhow, he left the hospital after 1am and another patient in the waiting room ordered pizza and gave my dad 2 slices. My dad offered her money and she said no. That’s the man that he is. 

Both my parents are not bad people. Just deeply wounded. 

I’m crying again. Maybe it’s going to be one of those days. It’s also a full moon and my period is due

TTYL