First full day on the family cruise

​Well folks, I write ✍️ this on day 2 of the family cruise. Today is a see day and it’s 2pm. I’m just having a rest and writing to you. It’s very cathartic and almost a form of journaling. 

Yesterday was tough, mostly due to my overthinking and putting unnecessary expectations. Something as simple as me thinking that a shopping trip to target and Walmart was going to change the world. I should have just gone into it, and take it for what it is. Sadly I then look at obesity and people in mobile scooter wheel chair things and my mind starts to worry about the world and state of affairs. I also hadn’t slept for a long time. 

Once we were settled on the ship I dished out all the gifts. Again, I put unnecessary false expectations that they would live what I got them. They appreciated the gifts but that was it. 

I got some unexpected gifts too. My sister bought me a really nice black swimsuit, a hair band that matches hers and some starburst. She remembers me liking them. 

My mom bought me my requested organic Canadian maple syrup and also some Jelly Belly Jelly beans. I went through a phase as a teen when I loved them. 

I had also asked to see photos of her pregnant with me. I just don’t recall ever seeing any. I’m so happy that she brought me some. If I didn’t hate the internet so much I would share them here with you. If you know me, ask me and I’ll message them over. It was very humbling, she was only a baby when she had me. She was 22 and had married my dad after 6 days when she was 19. 2 of the photos are of her sitting at her desk at work receiving gifts for the upcoming birth of me. 4 pictures were at the hospital the day she had me. Just looking at Victorian-ness of the hospital takes me back. It was so 70’s as are the graininess of the pictures. My mom looked beautiful. It’s a fucking shame that I’m writing it here, and I didn’t tell her yesterday when I was looking at the photos right in-front of her. Absolutely shameful, I’ll tell her today. I promise you. I will report back. 

The 5 of us had a chat about final wishes, hospice care, DNR (do not resuscitate), funerals and wills. It was very interesting and I would say it’s was very much something Dave Ramsey would agree with. (Go check him out). On his radio talk show she so often talks about fair is not the same as equal. My mom’s will is secret, only she and the notary know the details. She did elude to percentages. I think I’m getting the least and I’m good with that. I’m actually glad that I know. Firstly I want both my parents and siblings to live long healthy lives. I’m so fortunate that I’m really set up, I have a home, a car, a job that pays for the home etc. My brother and sister just have the job part. 

I found out that my sister is giving her body to the neurological institute, one of her high-school friends just died of a brain tumour. It’s also the same hospital that treated Steph’s mom. (You’ll really have to go to old blog entries where I talk about Steph).

My beloved coach sent me a message before I left. This was slightly based on me complaining and her also knowing me well. This is what she sent me. - side note, she’s the best coach ever. Reach out if you want her details. 

Coach message start

Isn't it interesting how each of your family members trauma shows up in different ways and yet they all show up in similar ways as yours does. You ALL have the same wounds. You ALL have mental health issues. You ALL have a need to send data and your opinions. You ALL have the need to be right or know it all. You ALL have some sort of health issues. And the funniest thing about the entire family  dichotomy...you ALL think the other person is the one with the issues. 

This is why the observation with NO judgment is so important. 

When you TRULY break it down, they are just reflecting to you what EXISTS in YOU. And vice versa. 

When we TRULY understand that... then we get that the relationships in our lives are our greatest teachers ❤️

They are not better than you

You are not better than them

They or you are NOT right or wrong. You are ALL just experiencing your life's experiences, traumas, wounds, wars, losses, needs etc., 

We hold grace for others. We ALLOW. In its purest form... they are teaching us.

Have fun today

(End)

A few hours later… so I told my mom that she was really young and beautiful in the pictures. She snapped back and said, I’m still beautiful. I then replied saying, I didn’t say you weren’t. Sheesh 

I’m trying to do my best and just observe, be as humble as possible. When it comes to my family I’m not the best at this but I’m working hard at it. Part of this means to respond (if needed - not always needed) vs reacting. 

At lunch earlier, dementia dad, remembered a cruise with my mother and brother. This is the first cruise that my bother and sister have ever been on, it’s also the first family cruise. My divorced parents have never cruised in their marriage that dissolved years ago. You get the point. My brother then corrected him, while my mom just looked at me and rolled her eyes trying to get my attention or a reaction. 

I choose to pipe in this time because it’s not the first time that she has been doing it. I calmly asked her what she wanted from her actions. Was she wanting a reaction from me? I told her that there is nothing to say. She apologised and I’m hopeful that I’ve cut this one in the bud. 

Later is was just myself and my father at the table. The others had gone, I sat with him while he had his fruit platter for dessert. My dad has always been great at eating fruit. Throughout my lifetime, he has brought me fruit. This could be to my bedroom when I lived with him or even if I was in front of the TV in the lough. He would cut apples for us, wash grapes. When our time is up, one must remember the good with the bad. I do remember the good, trust me I do. It’s just that I’ve been working on clearing off the bad so that’s it’s no longer a weight. It’s like putting down the suitcase of stuff that I no longer need. 

When it came to conversation he just asks me about my house. I’ve lived in the same London house now for 21 years. My dad doesn’t know how to talk about feelings, fear, love, needs etc. I get it, he was born in 1945 and he is from a different era. I also have no desire or need to change him. Me engaging in conversation about my house is his way of loving me. So! I told him about the plumber that was over this week who changed the taps, told him about new carpet on the stairs and landing that was installed in November. He asked about the sheds in the garden, did they come flat pack, or did my chippe housemate build it. I felt in our conversation that I may have become a bit softer and more gentle. I’m not an ogre, I’m just trying to go with the flow and have more compassion and less judgment all round. 

It was after the meal that I came back to cabin and had a little chill time. I don’t even need to nap, just being alone, listening to music and typing to you helps process it all. 

After the break, my mom and I joined The family beanbag toss competition. My sister and dad watched. It was fun, maybe the first bit of fun that I’ve had so far. 

Let’s take a little detour and talk about fun. I was recently telling Coach that I don’t actually know what fun feels like. I almost never laugh, I don’t smile enough and I don’t actually have a lot of fun. Nor am I miserable or disconnect. I still feel joy, but that’s based on the little and big things in life. I actively practice gratitude. I can remember some wild fun times full of giggles and silliness but all of that was when I was under the influence of alcohol. I’ve never been a big drinker so I can have whale of a time on 1 to 3 drinks. It doesn’t take a lot. However for reasons I haven’t even fully explored, I’m T-total since the beginning of the year. When people I ask, I’ve said I want to get to my goal weight of 16 kg lighter than I am now. Once I reach that, I’ll reevaluate. 

Back to the cruise, my brother and sister both did some rock climbing 🧗. My brother regularly does this as a sport at home and it was sister’s first time. It was fun watching my parents take pictures of their kids doing activities. I like the parallels of this being the same and consist for all of our sports and activities growing up. You’ll find pictures of said child playing or doing. Tennis, ballet, jazz, drama, soccer, skating etc. 

I haven’t told them yet about my upcoming surgery. I have never had general anaesthetic. This part doesn’t thrill me, but I know it’s part of the deal. I’m having an open septorhinoplasty turbinate reduction. Pretty much a nose job so that I can breathe better. I’ll tell them on this trip. It’s not a big deal, it’s just they have had a lot on themselves and I’m not seeking attention. I just want them to know and they can send me good vibes. You can all send me good vibes on the 19th.

A few hours later. 

Would you guess what? After dinner we attended a quiz. It was actually the third quiz of the day. Would you believe we all have something is common, we all like quizzes. The first 2 of the day we did as a family but this evening, the sis and bro decided to compete. I ended up joining my brother’s team. Would you believe it! We won. 🙌 we got 25/26 not bad. One of the correct answers was St.Paul’s Cathedral, and I said, I’ve been going there recently to pray. Guys if you haven’t been, it’s worth a visit. So peaceful. 

This evening I also told them about the surgery post quiz. They only had a few questions. My mother didn’t have any answers seemed to be hard done by. She said she’ll come back to me for questions. “I need time to process.”

Bedtime now

Breakfast at 7:30 and Grand Caymen

Family gifts and Love

​Two in one day! What on earth did you do to deserve me twice? This is a long ass flight. 

If you know me well, you know that this family trip as not been an easy road, though it’s the road I paved. I’m the one who instigated it, and my sister is the one who gave the dates that she could travel. May only, thus a May holiday. This trip also starts on a full moon in Scorpio and 3 of them are Scorpios.

So aside from all the things that can go wrong, (like my dad has prostate cancer, he’s hasn’t got on well with his meds, and he has signs of dementia - we could loose him on a Caribbean island, where he may get catfished again in real life !) Wait, wait, this was going to be the happy entry! 

Here are all the good things! I think we are all making an effort. It’s various from person to person and it looks different for each one. Buts it’s something. It’s a start. 

I almost never see them, maybe once every 2 of 3 years and even then. It’s strenuous. It’s hard to know them, or who they are now. About 25 years has gone by, so despite not knowing them, I still have a small inclination of what they will like. So I went shopping and bought them things that I think they will enjoy. 

Let’s start with my dad. His big request was PG tips, and a square sponge thing that he likes to wipe the kitchen counters with. 

For my bro, he has some rich tea finger biscuits and a lot of Cadbury chocolates. 

For my mom, Bachelors noodles, mild curry flavour. 

My sister is the hardest. We are 26 months apart but have not lived under the same roof since I was 15 and she was 13. That’s a lot of years ago. When I asked what she would like, she never replied or said nothing. ( I can’t remember which one it was). She did ask for hugs and that I will provide. She has struggled with her mental health for many years now, and is currently in a not great place. Maybe I do actually know my sister, who knows for sure. I think dear readers, we will know by her reaction to her gifts. I tried to tap into where she currently is, and what she needs, or better yet, what I think she needs. I got her this small soft blanket with positive affirmations. Maybe it will remind her that she can get through this. Maybe when she has it wrapped around her shoulders, she will feel and hug and love. 

Her other gift is a jumper (sweatshirt for my North American readers). It’s gray and has the word SISTER written on it. I got one for me too, and one for my mom with MOTHER written on it. I think they will like it. We won’t wear it all the time but I know my sister misses having a big sister. 

I have my own issues too people. I don’t tell them that I love them, maybe I can’t. Who effings knows? What I know is that I didn’t hear it growing up. My mother would always say, “I show love”. Debatable at times but not for here. Trust me! When I find my person and we have babies, they will know. They will hear it and they will see it, and they will feel it. 

OMG, I just remembered something that I use to do all the time with my once baby brother. I’m 11 years older than him, and I raised him. Yes he has 2 parents too, but I did the heavy lifting. I fed him, held him, cleaned his diapers, talked to him, played with him, adored him and loved him. 

Even though I was very young, I’ve always been a DEEP philosophical thinker. (I probably thought I was Freud). I had this thought that the subconscious sleeping brain would be the one that spoke the truth. So in my genius, I would wake him in the middle of night and ask him, “Who lives you?”. He would groggily say, “You do” and then go back to sleep. I have tears in my eyes as I type on this aircraft. 

Whilst on the topic of my bro, let me share some huge insight from my amazing coach. She has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She gets me! She gets it! (Life) and she makes it able for me to see things in a different light. 

If often been perplexed who my bro is the most cruel to me of them all now that he is grown up. Why so mean, harsh, cutting, abrupt etc. Guess what the answer is. It’s the abandonment wound. There are 5 childhood wounds that many of us have. Once you see and understand it, it explains why and how you react to things. It’s a game changer. 

So I believe that subconscious part of my brother is royally pissed off that I left him, because I did. That’s literally what I did. I jumped ship and moved to the UK. I left them all behind in pursuit of my own happiness, my own life, my own destiny. 

Let’s jump back to the part of saying “ I Love  You” or I love you too. I’m sure in the next few weeks, coach and I will figure it out. I tell my friends I love them all the time. It’s so funny with British people. All my friends are British, none of them say it back. They may say, lots of love at the end of a call, but not the big words. I love you. When it comes to my guy friends that I see in real life, they know I love them. It’s just awkward for a second because they just smile or change the subject quickly. What’s important is that I do love them and they know it. 

Then there are my guy friends who I don’t actually get to see in real life due to physical distance, life schedule etc. We text each other that we love each other and it’s nice. 

So for this family trip I’m going to try and make an effort. It’s not about saying it, it’s about meaning it, in that moment. In the grand scheme of things, yes I love my family, exactly as they are, good beings, riddled with unresolved trauma. When they are being mean to me. No, I don’t love you right now. 

But, but, but! This trip is going to be good. I’m manifesting good behaviour and healthy boundaries. 

PS. These T-Shirts are a cool gift from my mom to all of us. Lots of family consultations took place. My request was 100% cotton. This girl does not wear synthetics.

Money is ENERGY

​Well folks! This next one has been on my mind for bloody months now! There has been so many times where I wanted to get into it, and just no time. 

I write this onboard a British Airways flight to Tampa. It’s a nine and half hour journey so this is an adequate amount of time. Hehe! 

This one is all about money, my relationship to it and how money is an exchange of energy not just finances. Now I’m sure if you troll through this riveting occasionally inactive blog, you’ll find other posts where I talk about money. Apologies now if I’m repeating myself. 

Where the hell should I start. Let’s start with Scott Galloway who gets it! (Side note, go read, Notes on Being a Man). He says that when it comes to dating, men should pay for woman. He likes to add that if you go Dutch, how do you expect a kiss  at the end of the night. Yes Scott! jokes and kisses aside, that’s how it should work. When a man pays he is providing for his woman, or in my case. The companion at the time who is just a friend. 

There is something symbolic and deeper when a guy pulls out the card or cash and sorts out the bill. When it comes to housemates, flatmates, I’ve always lived with guys. Even when I go out for dinner now, he pays and later on when we are home I’ll transfer my part, if it’s requested, it’s not always. I’m cool with that. 

Another thing that I have really observed in people over the years is how deeply ingrained their money story is. It is so deep routed. Both my parents came from nothing and it’s interesting watching their financial decisions and how they spend. It’s interesting watching anyone spend to be honest. Maybe even watching how people don’t spend is even more interesting. 

Now I’m very transparent with money, ask me what I make and I’ll tell you. I have a few friends who will answer the question and some who don’t. When it comes to savings or investments, I don’t think anyone has ever answered. Now I don’t need to know this number, it’s none of my fucking business. It’s just context for the next part. How people spend and how generous they are. Again money is energy. 

Let me give some examples of a good energy exchange. I actually think I may have mentioned this is a previous post in the last few years. I’m at the airport gate waiting to board. I end up talking to man about the vending machine misbehaving and not delivering the needed chocolate. Later he found out there was another machine a few gates away. He asked if I could watch his bag, he was on a mission. Before heading off, he asked what I wanted. I’m sure there was a slight delay because I’m always taken back by kindness, however I quickly replied with a Twix please. Soon after he returned with a twix. It’s not about the money, it’s not about the fact that I looked after his bag. It’s an exchange of energy. 

Here is an exchange now of BAD energy, this one has sadly left a bad taste in my mouth. Female friend who has high ambitions to move up the corporate ladder and retire early. (60 from memory). She makes more than her partner and is the primary breadwinner. She looks at her finances and investments regularly. At Christmas she went through all her bank statements to see what she spends in different categories. I leaned this during the restaurant meal. She made the reservation, based on a set menu. A credit card hold was taken for the meal. A few weeks prior I sent over my part as I was budgeting etc. In the end, the meal was a bit more due to the drink or dessert. When the bill came, she paid and then asked for the £8.50 to be transferred over to her later. I did that and knew instantly that this person is not for me. Nice girl, kind, generous with her time. But when it comes to fun, it’s an ick! I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not her role to pay for me. I just know that I wouldn’t ask if I was in the reverse position. My relationships with friends has changed and maybe it’s more about her not being aligned to who I am now. Who knows 

This next bit is not so much the energy of money, but more on the abundance, flow and safety it brings. In February, I had dinner with an old fling. Dabbling took place on 2011, he since got married, had 3 kids and is now divorced. Over the years that have gone by, he worked hard for a Fortune 500 company. His salary at his peak is 8 times what I make in a year! Holy shit! I don’t even know what that feels like. I sure hope to one day. It’s not about the large income, it’s more of what he said. When taking about the hay day and his marriage at the time. He casually said, we never had to think about money. He was not boasting, if was just a simple fact as he’s recounting the past. I can only imagine what that does to the nervous system. The calmness in the body. I can even feel it just thinking about it. It’s safe to say, he paid for our meal. 

As I’m writing, I’m noticing the theme of money and food. I suppose they both nourish. If we go back to hunter gatherer time, there was no money. There was probably some sort of barter system, and when someone was fed that’s an exchange too. 

Wait! I’m suddenly having a lightbulb moment. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this one too. I’m about to see my family in less that 24 hours. This has been a rollercoaster. My dad has always paid for our meals. I’m sorry if I sound like a spoilt brat but I think this is a good thing. I think this is normal, I also don’t take this for granted. I think if you’re going to have offspring. Feed them. Simple. I’m not asking for caviar. My mom on the other hand doesn’t get it. She likes to split the bill. I do it in bewilderment. I think to myself, you fed me from your breast…. And now you can’t??? If any of you are lost. This is clearly a metaphor. 

On the plus side, I have somewhat had money talks with my mom, she is starting to get it. 

This cruise (come back for future posts) is fully inclusive so thankfully there will not be any bills at the end of the meals. 

Here is one more fun meaningful exchange of money (energy) where no money was even spent. The other night I was late night texting with a male friend. It was late and I was starving. He told me to order some food  on an app and he’ll pay for it! OMG I almost fell over but I was in bed. (Actually I was thinking, let me get my knee pads, marry me) In the end, I didn’t order food, but man was I touched. 

Last fun thing about me and my relationship with money. I would like to be mortgage free and have a good amount of savings for retirement, fun and a rainy day. That will come. 

I also want to enjoy what money can buy and bring. My mom always use to say, what’s the point of having china or nice things for special occasions that you almost don’t use. I totally agree with that. Get nice things, use them, enjoy them.

I love jewellery, the real stuff. Simple, elegant, a statement, a solitaire, a gift, an heirloom, something passed down etc. Over the years I’ve met sooooo many people who wear jewellery with a story. So often passed down or a gift from a loved one. Aside from when I was a baby (i wore gold bracelets - it’s a very cool Indian tradition), all my jewellery has been purchased by me. I suppose being single my whole life has not helped in the jewellery department. However, this my friends will be changing next week! I’m sooo excited. There are some beautiful earrings that I’ve wanted the moment I laid eyes on them on Taylor Sheridan TV show. My dad is getting them for me. Not entirely sure of the logistics of it. It’s part gift for sure, maybe full gift or maybe part loan where I’ll pay him back slowly. Whatever the case is, I’m happy. 

I think I’ll wrap this one up, just remember folks, money is energy. When you buy someone a coffee, a pint, an ice cream, chocolate it’s all energy!

Oops! One more story. When you spend money, you can’t expect something in return. You have to give freely. I’ve been buying my housemate an Easter egg every year he has lived with me. And every year without fail, he get gets me nothing. For a few years I use to get annoyed, even angry. Now I give because it’s who I am. It’s what I believe in, it’s what gives me joy. So this year when I gave him his Easter egg, he reached into his kitchen cupboard and gave me a pack of spaghetti. This my friends is progress in my books. 

Love ya

L x