Flow & Taco Tuesday

Saturday July 11th 2026

​I’m starting this entry from my office aka the bathtub. I think if I was a millionaire I would have some sort of standing desk in a pool with a waterproof keyboard. I’m sure that sort of thing works. I know when I was working for the NHS we have these really clean keyboards that you would just wipe etc. 

The football is also on right now, house mate is watching and I’ll watch towards the end when it’s important. I’ve only ever lived in 2 countries; I can tell you that how England scores affects life on the street. Happy people vs sad people. 

Regardless of the footy, we get to choose how we want this precious life to play out. 

As mentioned in previous entries, I’ve fallen off the radar with the core folks. I still send the occasional text. One of them asked how I was doing etc. This was my response:

(Start of text)

Hey, thanks for the text. I’m mostly ok with the heat most nights. Even the days, I seem to be wearing lots of strapless bandeau dresses so it’s working. 

I spoke to my brother the day after the last text. It’s clear that my family think and do things very differently to me. 

We had a family call yesterday and it was even more evident that not only are we on 2 different paths, we are also moving further away. 

I don’t suspect there will be any change with my sister at all, she continues to be consumed with my father’s health and is planning another holiday. I come from a long line of avoidant people who run from their problems. 

I on the other hand, run towards my problems to resolve them. 

There is no right or wrong; there is no rule book. 

All I know is that I wish them well. I won’t be allowing their dramas to affect me any longer.

xx 

(text ends)

My new normal feels more, more and more like normal. It’s almost not even new anymore. It’s remarkable how we can shape our own lives. 

Let’s talk about flow, being in it, and what that looks like in my life. 

Coach Renee has been consistently telling me to clear my diary, just be, be still, and let things flow. My human design also explains that my life is much better when things to come to me. 

For the longest time I’ve been operating in my masculine. This is pretty normal behaviour if you are single and you have to do everything on your own. This is normal; I’m not criticising the way I’ve had to operate. I can’t be Barbie waiting for Ken to get on with it. However, there are moments every day when I don’t have to be doing all the time. I can’t see what happens. I don’t have to plan everything. I can be in flow.

Flow can look like so many things. I’ve lived with my housemate for the last 8 years now. I couldn’t tell you how this has happened but he cooks for me now. Like often. At least twice a week. He has completely transformed the house over the last few years. He fixes things, cuts the grass in the garden, vacuums. It’s bloody great! Keep in mind, I do plenty for him too. Maybe it’s just starting to be reciprocated. Who knows. 

Tuesday July 14th 2026

 I’m on my way to taco 🌮 Tuesday with Mr.Richmond. For the life of me, I can’t remember what he’s called on this blog. I last saw him post surgery in May. He drove across London to visit me. He’s a good apple. One of his best compliments to me, was the fact that he could never lie to me. I believe him too. Even when he knows I would be disappointed, he still tells me what he’s been upto. 

Taco Tuesday is also part of the flow. As mentioned in previous entries, I told the core group (4 people) that I won’t be social calendar 📅 diary secretary. Since then, there has not been a single get together. Some have made more of an effort, some less so. I’m remaining in flow with no judgment. If it’s meant to be, it will be. 

So Taco 🌮 Tuesday. I sent the restaurant details to the 4 of them. Then one came back to me. I said pick a Tuesday. The suggested Tuesday worked for me. Before I knew it, he made the restaurant reservation too! You have no idea how nice it is when the admin is done. It’s a delight. 

The restaurant was on the 15th floor so nice views of London. After 8 rounds of taco’s we then strolled around this beautiful city. The final part was a proper old fashioned pub. Spain 🇪🇸 was winning and I’m so happy for them. Let them enjoy this time. 

Until we meet again….

I still need to explain how great my Brighton trip was 

The reality of life at the moment

I started writing on the evening to Tuesday July 7th and posting on the evening of Wednesday July 8th

​Well well, I’m back again. I’m sitting here on an annoying synthetic velvet sofa in the heat, typing on an iPhone with 6% battery while watching Normal People for the 10 millionth time. As for the sofa, my next one will be linen ideally or maybe cotton or wool. It won’t be sprayed with scotch guard or any toxins. I won’t care if it gets dirty.

Where the fuck have I been? Be warned, I’m in a super sweary mood. Every second word of this entry could be fuck. 

June was pretty good, I’m staying in my lane even though I fucking hate that stupid saying. I’ve been uber careful with my boundaries, mindful if I’ve giving too much and how I feel. When I’m with people, does the atmosphere and feeling feel reciprocal? This actually means I haven’t seen alot of friends. Over my growth in the last few months, I’ve outgrown the majority of ‘my people’. I know this sounds weird and odd. Also thank fuck they don’t read this blog!

Now I still love them, I’m grateful for them, I care for them, I’ll be there for them etc. it’s just that they don’t actually fill my cup anymore, some interactions even take from my cup. This is not fault of theres, I’m the one that’s changed. It’s like the typical break up line when one person, (normally the guy) says, it’s not you. It’s me. Well people, this time it’s me. 

In late May I had the surgery on my nose. It went well, it just took it out for me. This moved into June. But by the end of June I pretty much bounced back. 

For Glastonbury weekend (always the last weekend of June) I stayed in a Shepherds Hut in Wiltshire with one of my oldest UK friends. (I haven’t outgrown her. There are some key things in life. Big things that we both get / understand. We often never even talk about it. We just get it. We get each other). Part of the trip included visiting Stonehenge. It was fun and I found out that there are 4 days a year when you can touch the actual stones. I’m not totally sure why I want to touch the stones but I do! So i will. You can find me amongst a crowd on the autumn equinox at the stones. As I’m writing this I’m know that I drawn to old things, sacred traditions, old buildings, churches, ruins, Forrest, castles and the rest. 

A few hours later, free style typing with one hand while trying to not fall on the tube to work. Seriously not a fan of working in a concrete jungle. Due the heat, all the window blind shutters are closed. If I ruled the world I would make it illegal to withhold sun light from humans in the daytime. All this for air conditioning.

Let me see if I can get back on track.

I’ll probably dip in and out of 5 recent days when I was in Brighton. I seriously had the best days full of easy, and flow. 

This next part will flow. I promise. I saw lots of old friends. One of whom is a very tall faithful reader. We caught up briefly and he asked how I was. I think I gave him the option of how things really are vs the easy answer of good. Actually I probably didn’t even do that. I got straight to it. I do remember using the word bullshit a lot. Anyhow, this is something along the lines of what I said. 

I’m going great, wonderful and fabulous actually. There are still loads of things I’m working on but all in all, life is good. 

The family on the other hand is a bit of shit show. Also they are far, and they are very much indoctrinated in their ideology, mentality, thoughts etc. Trust me folks, they have no interest in my 2 cents and I finally have enough insight to not waste my time. (Hallelujah, Amen, let’s thank the Lord of the  Universe 😉)

My dad started his radiation cancer treatment this week. Last week my sister (who is not coping with her own plate) went to his medical appointment. He has kidney disease, prostate cancer, vascular dementia, and Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor said that my sister was needed at the appointment because the previous appointment in April was shit show. Oops! I forgot something. He also had a stroke in the last 40 years that none of us are aware of. This includes him, he can’t remember and the scans and tests can’t actually say exactly when. 

Long time readers know there is so much sadness and pain in my family. I am acutely aware of how tragic this is. This man, my dad, has done everything for us. His life has been hard. The relationship with his 3 kids is very fragmented, it’s the same as with his own siblings. He’s been divorced for donkeys years. He’s stubborn, fragile and set in his ways. He so easily could have had a stoke and nobody would have even noticed. He’s pretty much lived alone since I was 22 when I left his house. (Older posts will explain that I lived with him after my mom kicked me out at 16 - oh! More fun times). Back to my dad. My sister said last week, he needed help spelling my sister’s name. 5 letters. 

My brother who’s not even 40 has a heart arrhythmia. He was under investigation pre May cruise, and he was in severe pain in the cruise. He chose to not disclose this to any of us and told my mom only once he was back in Canada. He has almost not body fat, he goes to the gym, rock climbs, skates, runs etc. He has the strictest diet too. Like most things, I don’t know what his plans are. I just wish him well. 

My mom Is busy volunteering and planning her trips. She’s emptied her pockets and filled her diary. This year she will have done, 2 cruises and visited, India twice, Australia and the UK. Let’s not forget she was almost dying in January. I had a chat with her sister over the weekend. We are happy that she is happy, we just don’t get it. I met with one of my mom’s very close friends too this weekend. She thinks that maybe my mom’s near death experience had brought on all this travel. who knows?

And then we get to my sister. When I was doing the recap with the friend, I just said that she has been off of work with sever depression since April and it’s not good. On Monday night when I’m heading home after 5 fun filled days… I spoke to my mom. (Note to self - don’t do that again. Finish 5 fun days. Go to sleep with good memories. Deal with real life the next day). Anyhow, my mom said that within the last 2 days she had called the Canadian equivalent to the UK Samaritans. She called the suicide hotline. 

Let’s look at this rationally, calling the helpline is normally a cry for help. I think this is her case. It is also often the last call before someone makes a life ending decision. 

Diversion: I know a lot about suicide, there was my mother attempt, and then my 3 friends who I have spoken about on here. I also at one point wanted to be a Samaritans volunteer. I met with them on an open day. It’s such a noble calling but it dawned on me, it won’t bring Tim, Paul and Mark back. 

So…. On the call my mom said, I’m just for her (my sister) call so say “Bring me”. She is insinuating the Mental Health A&E / ER. The thing is, it doesn’t always work like that. 5 to 6 people die per hour in North America and Europe by taking their own life. I’m sorry to bring the tone sooo low but I think my mom is only looking at this from one side. 

She (my mom) then went on to say that social services are filled to capacity and the waitlist for intense treatment is years. When I asked about paying privately it was 10k and that was immediately discarded. I’m just miffed. I was reminded once more that I shouldn’t call my sister and that she can’t “handle it”.

She (sister) did call me a few weeks when she was having an anxiety panic attack. In 17 minutes I was able to make her feel better, by reminding her that she’s the one that has the power. She can leave my parents to fend for themselves. If you can’t take care of yourself it’s very difficult taking care of others. 

The next day (yesterday) I spoke with my brother to get the low down. He lectured me but I’ll get to that. The treatment center was researched by my sister who then told my mom. My mom then told my brother. No info about the name, details etc was disclosed. Bro then explained that the night before my sister spoke to her therapist online and he gave her suggestions. When I asked my brother what the suggestions were, he said he wasn’t going to tell me. So that it’s, my fucked up family continue to play games of sharing only some things with some people, some of the time. He then lectured me on my tone, his masters degree in marketing makes him an expert. Keep in mind, I wasn’t talking to my sister. I was just asking what’s going on. 

So to maintain the goodness in my life, I have to spend my units wisely. (Tyler Durden in Fight Club explains energy as units - great film. Go watch it).

My family are so tangled in their weave of trauma bonds that the only thing I can do is to pray for them and live my best life. 

If my sister called me, so I take the call? I really can’t handle having the last call with her before she’s gone forever. 

I spoke to Mark 3 days before he died, I also spoke to him 2 weeks before when I asked him if he was going to do it. It Marks case, the meds were increased which is a major contributing factor. 

Oh! And as I was waking into the wood land park where I writing ✍️ now (work day is over). I saw a robin. I see Robin’s all the time. That’s always Mark. (Side note: Tara Swart’s book The Signs is very good)

Do I message my family text group and let my sister know that I’m not calling because I’ve been told not to. If I did that, does that make it about me. Maybe 🤔 

Let’s talk about other things. Over the last few days I started drinking again. I don’t drink for a year. I’ve never had an alcohol problem and if I’ve ever had a bad day, I purposely won’t drink. I’ll also almost never drink alone. I’ve made sooo many rules but that’s also what happens when you have had 3 family members die of alcoholism. 

Drinking is fun when you’re with good people. Ice is good too! Did you know that I only have ice with alcohol, no other drink. 

At work today I left the concrete jungle for lunch. Sadly I had 2 very very very creepy brown men stare at me. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was not flirting, it was creepy and threatening. Thank God it was day light and there were lots of people around. No woman should have to justify her clothing but I will. I was wearing a sleeveless dress that goes to my knees and the neck line was a V neck but high. I was blessed with a rack so wearing any bra means I’ll have cleavage. I was soo upset. I ranted to one of you fabulous readers on a voice message and spoke to 2 colleges in the office. 1 was a a girl who’s my shade and told her to be vigilant, the other was just a manager to vent. He was very sorry for me, he could emphasise but has no idea what it feels like. 

Think I’ll press send on this one and start writing more about last weekend. 

Oh no… this isn’t great but maybe it is.

​Oh no people! I had other things I wanted to talk about today but this entry has been trumped by recent events.

My sister called my mom over to her place and asked my mom to drive her to the ER of the local psych hospital. This is good, this is also sad. 

Sad for so so many reason. (PS. Please skip this entry if it’s too triggering) I apologise now for going off tangent. 

Over a decade ago in the UK I had a male friend who was not doing well at all. He was in a UK psych ward. When the staff were looking he managed to take his own life. 

As per the hospital where my sister is at. We once had a family friend whose adult son was not doing well. He was going to the psych hospital daily for treatment but really needed to be an inpatient. They didn’t have the space to keep him in. Sadly one evening at home, he took his life. 

I have strong feelings about the Hospital where my sister is at. Where to start….

My first job at 16 was at McDonalds. I worked a lot despite being in full time education also known as high school. The ‘mental hospital’ was a bus ride away or less than an hours walk. It was close. I would see the patients daily. They really liked McDonalds coffee and these were the days when you could smoke indoors still (this became illegal in 2006). I can still remember the yellow gnarly fingers and teeth of ‘these people’. Keep in mind that I was 16. I found ‘them’ scary and I’m not sure how compassionate I was then or now. I hope I’m a better person. I’ll always be professional but I’m also a scared little girl. Even when they would talk to me, I would respond but I was scared. These people were deemed safe enough to be out. They never hurt me, often all they would do is talk to themselves or repeat things. The brain is sooo complex and it needs care and nurturing. It’s why I’m so god damn passionate about a child’s mental health and brain development. 

The next memory is rough. I honestly can’t be bothered to scroll though very old enteries of this blog, to see if I’ve ever spoken of this. I don’t think I have. There is a whole massive story to this that I won’t go into. All you need to know is that I believe in God, the universe and divine timing. Had the evening “gone to plan” we would have got home much later to find my mom dead. Instead she was still conscious and an ambulance was called. First they brought her to an ER (I think) and the next day when I saw her, it was at the “mental hospital”. That was a very bizarre day for me. One reason is that I recognised sooo many people. Some how, all my McDonalds customers were there. Like all of them! Maybe they lived there and were allowed out in the day. Who knows, it was just ALOT. ALOT was soon trumped by my dad standing at the foot of the hospital crying about what had happened to his ex wife. This was the day that I understood that my dad loves my mom. They have never been in love, I think my father would struggle to describe what love even is. Despite that, who are any of us to describe love. All I know, is that I watched a man crying for someone he loved. What’s wild is my mom doesn’t remember several of these days. It’s black hole 🕳️ that has been wiped from her memory. Maybe that God too. We don’t talk about this day often, though I remember her shock decades later when telling her about my dad’s reaction. 

Now back to my sister. I must TRUST that she is in the best place and that they can help her. She’s so multiple medications as it stands and I believe that in itself is the issue. I don’t think any pharmaceutical company is testing all the side effects of combined medication. Think about it honestly. There are hundreds and thousands of drugs these days. Does anyone know what really happens to the brain when you take X,Y and Z together. I often come across articles of long term damage of people who smoke cannabis regularly. Think about it, it’s that’s a natural leaf that can cause permanent damage. What do pharmaceuticals do. I’m a big believer in talk therapy and I think she needs that, as much as an overhaul of what she’s on. 

That’s about it on that. How do I know where she is you ask? Well… prior to the holiday it was agreed that the 5 family members would share their live location with one another. This was mostly for airports and if we lost my dad when the ship docked in a different country. 

This evening I was having a nosey peak at where people are and noticed her location. I then called my mom to see if she knew about this and she explained how she just dropped my sister off at her request.

Final recap of the day that feels especially poignant. The vast majority of my UK friends have never even seen a photo of my family, so for the close friends, I recently sent a load from the photography package that my mom bought. (Mentioned in previous posts). When catching up today with one of these such friends, he said that it was interesting to see them. He said that I had really painted a dark picture of people with trauma. 

Fortunately or unfortunately I’ll never share these pictures on the internet but we scrub up good and look like a delightful happy, joyous family. I’m not even saying that we’re not this. All I’m trying to say is that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s life.

Until we meet again 

Moi

PS. For background blogging pleasure, I’m watching Casio Royale for the millionth time. James Bond licking Ave Greens fingers in the shower after the shootout! Has to be one of my favourite scenes. Love that he enters the shower fully clothed in his Tux to comfort her.

The sword 🗡️ i’ll die on

​Hi friends, I’ve missed you. 

Let’s start with more thoughts on my last entry and an update on my sister. She has been back to work for 3 days and is now signed off for a month due to poor mental health. This is sad but not unexpected. (See behaviour in previous blog entries). I canned my dad and explained how he needs to lay off her. He doesn’t mean to, he just comes from a different generation and mentally. While he was married it was my mom who would do it all for him. Then I stupidly took that mantle on, before jumping ship to the UK. For years sister lived away but has been back for the last 3 years. Regardless of my dad asking for help, my family have had zero boundaries. It’s why it’s a mess. Now I thrive in my boundaries. 

Also going back to the last entry, please can everyone go read Notes on Being a Man by Scott Galloway. It’s a mix of a memoir, his thought and advice. It also had lots of statics too. Scott has 2 sons, when the family have guests staying over, the boys need to go out and get the luggage of the guests and bring it into the house. When they are at the table, they have to offer water and pour for others and then their own. I LOVE SCOTT! I will raise my children this way. My bro wasn’t raised this way, maybe he doesn’t know any better. PS. My girls will also have impeccable manners. 

If the entire world could start with pleas and thank you, that would be a start. 

I was telling a friend recently that I don’t have much to report. This is the truth. This is the amazing truth. For years and years, actually my entire life I have lived off of drama. It’s mostly been subconscious, but if you know me, I have a story to tell. I guess you could say that I still do but the story has changed. Now it’s just about how calm I feel. 

Let’s start with the title of this entry. The sword I’ll die on. I don’t know anyone as opinionated as I am. Mix that with passion and you get moi! 

I was going to write a list but I’ll just explain how I’ve changed or how I changed my mind. 

I grew up as a typical feminist. That’s far from who I am now. You can believe in women’s right and not be a feminist. I was totally fixed on keeping my family name. Hell no was I going to take HIS name. I’m so taking his name and I’m very cool with belonging to him (PS. I haven’t found him yet)

I was a vegan for 13 years and I was sure I was going to be that way until death and that is how I would die. No thank you! I’m very much enjoying the typical human diet with an emphasis on healthy food, not processed. 

I thought I wanted a career, I’m very happy to drop that one too. I’ll be the CEO of the family household and play an active role as the mother of my children and the girlfriend to my husband. 

Once upon a time I trusted the system, the paradigm, the medical industrial complex. Now that’s over my dead body! I question everything and think for myself. I’m not a sheep. 🐑 I’ll never vaccinate my offspring, wrap them or me in plastic (synthetics), give them technology etc. How many more studies or news paper articles does society need to understand the side effects of all of these “helpful” things. Gosh I just think of the millions of people that have their head in a microwave daily. Yes that’s the same as wearing Bluetooth wireless headphones. It’s all frequencies. The human body has lasted for so so long but with all these modifications, what do people expect. Strip it back and question what you eat, what you wear, what you put on your body, what you cook your food on. I’ve been far down the road for 8 plus years now. 

What else! I still care for nice things but depending on the item, brands don’t matter to me. I would say it’s about the ingredients. There was an article today in the Times about a Gail’s sandwich that has more salt than a McDonals Bigmac. Just because Gail’s is pretty and pricey, it’s doesn’t actually make the product better or healthier. 

That’s it for now, I’ve come to a blank so it might be bedtime.