Family gifts and Love

​Two in one day! What on earth did you do to deserve me twice? This is a long ass flight. 

If you know me well, you know that this family trip as not been an easy road, though it’s the road I paved. I’m the one who instigated it, and my sister is the one who gave the dates that she could travel. May only, thus a May holiday. This trip also starts on a full moon in Scorpio and 3 of them are Scorpios.

So aside from all the things that can go wrong, (like my dad has prostate cancer, he’s hasn’t got on well with his meds, and he has signs of dementia - we could loose him on a Caribbean island, where he may get catfished again in real life !) Wait, wait, this was going to be the happy entry! 

Here are all the good things! I think we are all making an effort. It’s various from person to person and it looks different for each one. Buts it’s something. It’s a start. 

I almost never see them, maybe once every 2 of 3 years and even then. It’s strenuous. It’s hard to know them, or who they are now. About 25 years has gone by, so despite not knowing them, I still have a small inclination of what they will like. So I went shopping and bought them things that I think they will enjoy. 

Let’s start with my dad. His big request was PG tips, and a square sponge thing that he likes to wipe the kitchen counters with. 

For my bro, he has some rich tea finger biscuits and a lot of Cadbury chocolates. 

For my mom, Bachelors noodles, mild curry flavour. 

My sister is the hardest. We are 26 months apart but have not lived under the same roof since I was 15 and she was 13. That’s a lot of years ago. When I asked what she would like, she never replied or said nothing. ( I can’t remember which one it was). She did ask for hugs and that I will provide. She has struggled with her mental health for many years now, and is currently in a not great place. Maybe I do actually know my sister, who knows for sure. I think dear readers, we will know by her reaction to her gifts. I tried to tap into where she currently is, and what she needs, or better yet, what I think she needs. I got her this small soft blanket with positive affirmations. Maybe it will remind her that she can get through this. Maybe when she has it wrapped around her shoulders, she will feel and hug and love. 

Her other gift is a jumper (sweatshirt for my North American readers). It’s gray and has the word SISTER written on it. I got one for me too, and one for my mom with MOTHER written on it. I think they will like it. We won’t wear it all the time but I know my sister misses having a big sister. 

I have my own issues too people. I don’t tell them that I love them, maybe I can’t. Who effings knows? What I know is that I didn’t hear it growing up. My mother would always say, “I show love”. Debatable at times but not for here. Trust me! When I find my person and we have babies, they will know. They will hear it and they will see it, and they will feel it. 

OMG, I just remembered something that I use to do all the time with my once baby brother. I’m 11 years older than him, and I raised him. Yes he has 2 parents too, but I did the heavy lifting. I fed him, held him, cleaned his diapers, talked to him, played with him, adored him and loved him. 

Even though I was very young, I’ve always been a DEEP philosophical thinker. (I probably thought I was Freud). I had this thought that the subconscious sleeping brain would be the one that spoke the truth. So in my genius, I would wake him in the middle of night and ask him, “Who lives you?”. He would groggily say, “You do” and then go back to sleep. I have tears in my eyes as I type on this aircraft. 

Whilst on the topic of my bro, let me share some huge insight from my amazing coach. She has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She gets me! She gets it! (Life) and she makes it able for me to see things in a different light. 

If often been perplexed who my bro is the most cruel to me of them all now that he is grown up. Why so mean, harsh, cutting, abrupt etc. Guess what the answer is. It’s the abandonment wound. There are 5 childhood wounds that many of us have. Once you see and understand it, it explains why and how you react to things. It’s a game changer. 

So I believe that subconscious part of my brother is royally pissed off that I left him, because I did. That’s literally what I did. I jumped ship and moved to the UK. I left them all behind in pursuit of my own happiness, my own life, my own destiny. 

Let’s jump back to the part of saying “ I Love  You” or I love you too. I’m sure in the next few weeks, coach and I will figure it out. I tell my friends I love them all the time. It’s so funny with British people. All my friends are British, none of them say it back. They may say, lots of love at the end of a call, but not the big words. I love you. When it comes to my guy friends that I see in real life, they know I love them. It’s just awkward for a second because they just smile or change the subject quickly. What’s important is that I do love them and they know it. 

Then there are my guy friends who I don’t actually get to see in real life due to physical distance, life schedule etc. We text each other that we love each other and it’s nice. 

So for this family trip I’m going to try and make an effort. It’s not about saying it, it’s about meaning it, in that moment. In the grand scheme of things, yes I love my family, exactly as they are, good beings, riddled with unresolved trauma. When they are being mean to me. No, I don’t love you right now. 

But, but, but! This trip is going to be good. I’m manifesting good behaviour and healthy boundaries. 

PS. These T-Shirts are a cool gift from my mom to all of us. Lots of family consultations took place. My request was 100% cotton. This girl does not wear synthetics.

Money is ENERGY

​Well folks! This next one has been on my mind for bloody months now! There has been so many times where I wanted to get into it, and just no time. 

I write this onboard a British Airways flight to Tampa. It’s a nine and half hour journey so this is an adequate amount of time. Hehe! 

This one is all about money, my relationship to it and how money is an exchange of energy not just finances. Now I’m sure if you troll through this riveting occasionally inactive blog, you’ll find other posts where I talk about money. Apologies now if I’m repeating myself. 

Where the hell should I start. Let’s start with Scott Galloway who gets it! (Side note, go read, Notes on Being a Man). He says that when it comes to dating, men should pay for woman. He likes to add that if you go Dutch, how do you expect a kiss  at the end of the night. Yes Scott! jokes and kisses aside, that’s how it should work. When a man pays he is providing for his woman, or in my case. The companion at the time who is just a friend. 

There is something symbolic and deeper when a guy pulls out the card or cash and sorts out the bill. When it comes to housemates, flatmates, I’ve always lived with guys. Even when I go out for dinner now, he pays and later on when we are home I’ll transfer my part, if it’s requested, it’s not always. I’m cool with that. 

Another thing that I have really observed in people over the years is how deeply ingrained their money story is. It is so deep routed. Both my parents came from nothing and it’s interesting watching their financial decisions and how they spend. It’s interesting watching anyone spend to be honest. Maybe even watching how people don’t spend is even more interesting. 

Now I’m very transparent with money, ask me what I make and I’ll tell you. I have a few friends who will answer the question and some who don’t. When it comes to savings or investments, I don’t think anyone has ever answered. Now I don’t need to know this number, it’s none of my fucking business. It’s just context for the next part. How people spend and how generous they are. Again money is energy. 

Let me give some examples of a good energy exchange. I actually think I may have mentioned this is a previous post in the last few years. I’m at the airport gate waiting to board. I end up talking to man about the vending machine misbehaving and not delivering the needed chocolate. Later he found out there was another machine a few gates away. He asked if I could watch his bag, he was on a mission. Before heading off, he asked what I wanted. I’m sure there was a slight delay because I’m always taken back by kindness, however I quickly replied with a Twix please. Soon after he returned with a twix. It’s not about the money, it’s not about the fact that I looked after his bag. It’s an exchange of energy. 

Here is an exchange now of BAD energy, this one has sadly left a bad taste in my mouth. Female friend who has high ambitions to move up the corporate ladder and retire early. (60 from memory). She makes more than her partner and is the primary breadwinner. She looks at her finances and investments regularly. At Christmas she went through all her bank statements to see what she spends in different categories. I leaned this during the restaurant meal. She made the reservation, based on a set menu. A credit card hold was taken for the meal. A few weeks prior I sent over my part as I was budgeting etc. In the end, the meal was a bit more due to the drink or dessert. When the bill came, she paid and then asked for the £8.50 to be transferred over to her later. I did that and knew instantly that this person is not for me. Nice girl, kind, generous with her time. But when it comes to fun, it’s an ick! I don’t know how to explain it. It’s not her role to pay for me. I just know that I wouldn’t ask if I was in the reverse position. My relationships with friends has changed and maybe it’s more about her not being aligned to who I am now. Who knows 

This next bit is not so much the energy of money, but more on the abundance, flow and safety it brings. In February, I had dinner with an old fling. Dabbling took place on 2011, he since got married, had 3 kids and is now divorced. Over the years that have gone by, he worked hard for a Fortune 500 company. His salary at his peak is 8 times what I make in a year! Holy shit! I don’t even know what that feels like. I sure hope to one day. It’s not about the large income, it’s more of what he said. When taking about the hay day and his marriage at the time. He casually said, we never had to think about money. He was not boasting, if was just a simple fact as he’s recounting the past. I can only imagine what that does to the nervous system. The calmness in the body. I can even feel it just thinking about it. It’s safe to say, he paid for our meal. 

As I’m writing, I’m noticing the theme of money and food. I suppose they both nourish. If we go back to hunter gatherer time, there was no money. There was probably some sort of barter system, and when someone was fed that’s an exchange too. 

Wait! I’m suddenly having a lightbulb moment. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this one too. I’m about to see my family in less that 24 hours. This has been a rollercoaster. My dad has always paid for our meals. I’m sorry if I sound like a spoilt brat but I think this is a good thing. I think this is normal, I also don’t take this for granted. I think if you’re going to have offspring. Feed them. Simple. I’m not asking for caviar. My mom on the other hand doesn’t get it. She likes to split the bill. I do it in bewilderment. I think to myself, you fed me from your breast…. And now you can’t??? If any of you are lost. This is clearly a metaphor. 

On the plus side, I have somewhat had money talks with my mom, she is starting to get it. 

This cruise (come back for future posts) is fully inclusive so thankfully there will not be any bills at the end of the meals. 

Here is one more fun meaningful exchange of money (energy) where no money was even spent. The other night I was late night texting with a male friend. It was late and I was starving. He told me to order some food  on an app and he’ll pay for it! OMG I almost fell over but I was in bed. (Actually I was thinking, let me get my knee pads, marry me) In the end, I didn’t order food, but man was I touched. 

Last fun thing about me and my relationship with money. I would like to be mortgage free and have a good amount of savings for retirement, fun and a rainy day. That will come. 

I also want to enjoy what money can buy and bring. My mom always use to say, what’s the point of having china or nice things for special occasions that you almost don’t use. I totally agree with that. Get nice things, use them, enjoy them.

I love jewellery, the real stuff. Simple, elegant, a statement, a solitaire, a gift, an heirloom, something passed down etc. Over the years I’ve met sooooo many people who wear jewellery with a story. So often passed down or a gift from a loved one. Aside from when I was a baby (i wore gold bracelets - it’s a very cool Indian tradition), all my jewellery has been purchased by me. I suppose being single my whole life has not helped in the jewellery department. However, this my friends will be changing next week! I’m sooo excited. There are some beautiful earrings that I’ve wanted the moment I laid eyes on them on Taylor Sheridan TV show. My dad is getting them for me. Not entirely sure of the logistics of it. It’s part gift for sure, maybe full gift or maybe part loan where I’ll pay him back slowly. Whatever the case is, I’m happy. 

I think I’ll wrap this one up, just remember folks, money is energy. When you buy someone a coffee, a pint, an ice cream, chocolate it’s all energy!

Oops! One more story. When you spend money, you can’t expect something in return. You have to give freely. I’ve been buying my housemate an Easter egg every year he has lived with me. And every year without fail, he get gets me nothing. For a few years I use to get annoyed, even angry. Now I give because it’s who I am. It’s what I believe in, it’s what gives me joy. So this year when I gave him his Easter egg, he reached into his kitchen cupboard and gave me a pack of spaghetti. This my friends is progress in my books. 

Love ya

L x

My cup

​Just wanted to come on and say hi. 

I’ve been lying low recently, more than normal. There are a few reason for this. One is my health, it’s been so up and down (for ever) and the trick is to just listen to my body and rest. I’ve had so many acutes that my body doesn’t even know what normal feels like. I had to say, thank goodness was for TV, Films, Books and podcasts. 

Another reason why I’m still in hibernation despite it being Spring is that it costs so much to go out. Even a walk into town results in an expense, eggs, bread, chai etc. Luckily I can afford these things, I’m just trying to spend less and only make purchases that are really a necessity. A pro of being more mindful with my money, is that financial pressures will be easing up soon. Hooray for that! 

I had a massive download last night. Here I go. So if I was a cup, all the work, therapy, coaching etc has helped to identify and fill-in, any holes, so that my cup no longer has leaks. This is now complete! Yippee 🙌 Hooray 🥳

(I’m still getting to the download) Over the years I’m done major work on my inner voice. That’s the voice in your head that can tell you, you’re shit or that you’re fucking amazing. It’s also the voice that should be telling you doily that you love you. 

So last night when I was wishing myself good night, and telling myself that I love me. I could see / feel this daily exercise is also scanning my cup for holes, leaks, cracks. It’s a like daily self assessment. And because things are looking good, my cup is getting stronger and stronger. Think of it as a thin paper cup that had turned into steel over time. 

And just incase you didn’t already know. My cup has always been half full, but now it’s getting fuller and fuller. Eventually my cup will be so full that it will overflow into the cup of my beloved. Watch this space 

Xxxx

Fun and games, with an A&E visit

Well, hi there, 

Welcome to another edition of the adventures of moi.

For dramatic flair, this entry is being written from the A&E. Sunday night 19:47

It’s been a month! Way more feelings and emotions than this girl is used to. 

A little over 2 weeks ago, I got some new from a friend re the lack of an invitation. This should not and is not a big deal, I was shocked and saddened. I cried for 2 days and internally reevaluated every friendship and interaction I have had. This is very overboard I know. 

Thank god I have a coach. She is a godsend and it’s a privilege that I get to unpick things with her. Pretty much, folks, everything is linked to childhood wounds. Until they are resolved, they show up in many ways. I’ll leave this story here, but all you need to know is I cried A LOT and was VERY sad.

Days later, my mom was in a bad way with her health and in the hospital. She had a few days in the A&E, then home for a day before going in for a procedure and back home. Then she rushed back to the A&E after things got dramatic. This then led to a couple of days in the intensive care unit (ICU). If you’re in the ICU, things aren’t great but I’m mindful of respecting her privacy. She was then discharged to recover and may need an organ removed in the future. 

8 days ago, I received a frantic call from her saying that she wanted to tell me that she loves me and she has this fear of dying. She thought she would die. As an observer, clearly the recent experience she had was very traumatic and triggered. So many people have genuine trauma from hospital experiences. 

Now back to me. Before the call, I was going about my merry business. I saw a fantastic film (which I do want to blog about), The Voice of Hind Rajab, followed by a rare wagyu steak at Flat Iron. 

After the phone call, I ran to the loo. I’ll save the details, just knowing that I ran should explain. A few days later, more issues etc. I eventually had to call in sick at work. We are now on day 8. When it comes to my health, the majority of the time, rest is best. And rest genuinely has worked a a treat. I’m good at resting, I’ve almost mastered it. While resting, I’m hoping my body is healing etc, however, I have had really, really bad cramping throughout. 

This experience so far has been a kick up the backside when it comes to my diet. I need to make big changes to get healthy and to loose this weight. For the last few days, I’ve made healthy wise decisions. I was hoping that my body would be happy with that, and all will be well. 

Unfortunately, again I was back in the painful situation and enough is enough. I know when “the rest” is not working. It’s a Sunday, and not a great day to be unwell but what can you do. At 4pm I knew it was time to seek medical attention; the rest, clean eating wasn’t doing the trick. Instead of fucking getting up and making tracks, I called 111.

I called 111 because I’m pretty sure that I need antibiotics. I was hoping they could prescribe me something maybe. 

There is a part of the brain that thinks I’m not worthy and I don’t want to waste the resources of the National Health Service. I then compare my situation to more severe cases. 

The 111 call lasted 21 minutes, during which they sent me to a pharmacy where I had to go through all the details again, only to be told that they can’t give me antibiotics and I need to go to the A&E. 

So here I am. Now let’s talk about the more important matter/leaning/understanding that came up in my recent coaching session. 

It’s all about parenting the inner child and listening to and attending to those needs. I need to listen to myself more and stop seeking advice and approval from others. I’m still shit at this.

I fucking faffed around for ages with guilt and seeking approval from others. The 2 people I spoke to thought I should go to sleep and wait a few hours for Monday morning to roll around, when I can see my GP. They aren’t wrong, however, by be being here, I’m choosing myself! I’m taking care of me, I’m parenting me.

I’m also grateful as fuck that I live in a country that provides this service to me free of charge. This is where some of my tax-paying money goes. 

Part 2 - written the next day. 

At 23:00, I was seen by a wonderful Emergency Department doctor. She diagnosed me with gastroenteritis. My test results also showed something was up. 

Things take time in a hospital, and I only left 1:30am. During that time, man was I reflecting and counting my blessings. There were many people in pain, distress and fear. I was in a separate room with 6 chairs and an open door. This is where I had an IV drip 💧 of Sodium Lactate. I was also watered and fed. I felt like such a numpty when the beautiful Filipino nurse asked me what I would like to drink. I replied with, what do you have?. She looked at me and said, one 2 things. Tea or coffee. I said tea please and she asked how I would like it. I cheated and had a tiny bit of sugar. She also brought me a chicken sandwich and said they had ham but she thought that I don’t eat ham. (I tell you people, these unconscious bias that we hold runs deep. Just because of my colour, it doesn’t mean I’m Muslim. Do you even know how much I missed bacon 🥓 during my 13 years of veganism). Anyhow, I’m too cool to hold this unconscious bias against this lady who is trying to feed me, help me, heal me. I just replied with, I eat ham too but chicken is good. 👍 I’ll stick to this. 

It was quite a yummy sandwich 🥪 in all honesty. Shame about the ingredients. I’ll post this here but I would love to talk more on that also. 

The drip was taking ages, so eventually, she adjusted the stream, and before you know it, I was done. After that, I attempted to produce a sample but it wasn’t to be. Plan B was to bring it to my local GP once I had the goods. 

My doctor liked me. I know, I can tell, and this does happen to me a lot. The key folks is to be respectful and carry yourself with gratitude and compassion. 

A few hours earlier, I had asked her for a printout of my blood test results. She explained that they weren’t allowed to, but she would. Once more, she said they shouldn’t. Other than saying thank you, I totally left that there. While I had my drip in, she hand-delivered it to me. 

Upon discharge, a nurse or even a healthcare assistant would have removed my IV cannula, but not for me. She came back and removed it herself in the room that I was in. As she was showing me out, we passed the nursing desk, and another nurse asked her if she could remove my cannula. Love how they are checking for the well-being of the patient. Teamwork makes the dream work. 

As I’m typing 💬 these words, I’m thinking 🤔…: man I should be writing to PALS. In my 6000 roles and careers, I actually worked for this NHS trust in the PALS team. PALS stands for patient advice and liaison service. Really, it’s the department that gets the letters of things that have gone very, very wrong. Lawsuits and the rest. 

How freaking nice would it be for the team to get a thumbs 👍 up message? My letter would cover the 6 people I interacted with.

Tuesday update: I'm feeling better