Saturday, 29 May 2021

The Covid Diaries - Day 445


So! Conscious eating 🍽 is starting now! If it’s healthy I’ll eat it. If it’s not, and I’m lazy, I’ll make a huel.
 

Today’s weight is 

147 pounds

10.5 stones

66.7 kg


So my comfort eating started as soon as I left recruitment and joined the CC department where I was heavily bullied. Then Covid happened. So that’s 20 pounds of weight that is getting me soooo down! Now that it’s getting warmer it’s time! 


No more feeling sorry for myself.


I’m writing this from the sauna, I’m going to make sure to use this puppy every day. It’s cost an arm abs a leg and it’s so good for my health so win win! To up my sauna game I’m also going to remember to take a binder before, dry body brush, and use the mini trampoline. Let me briefly explain but doctor Google will also help. 


When you’re in a far infrared sauna your core body temperature increases thus making you sweat. You’ll sweat out toxins, so taking a binder before is safer way of binding the toxins. This way, the toxins can also come out in your 💩. Dry body brushing is good for your lymphatic system and skin. Lastly, rebounding (using a mini trampoline) gets your lymphs moving. 


What else! For the first time since living in this house. I think I’m ready to go. Scratch that. I am ready to go. I’ll elaborate. I was going to remortgage, take some money out and either do a kitchen extension, or a double story extension. I had 2 whopping quotes done yesterday by 2 decent companies.


The spanner is, why do I want a newer bigger house? Will it make me happy, do I need the space, is it for resale value. To be honest, all of that would be cool but this is not my forever home. 


I don’t want to hear the neighbours anymore, there is nothing that keeps me here. My day dreaming is dangerous too. Im always dreaming of other things and not living in the now, the present. 


Don’t get me wrong. I'm not one of those people that live in dream land. I just like visiting it a lot. 


I’m less than 2 weeks away from completing my foundation degree. It’s been a long long slog. The last 4 years have been touch and go when it comes to my education. Working full time, managing  my health, my home, my family etc. 


Once I’ve finished this up. I need to have a real think and decide if I want to start a level 6 top up degree in September 2021. I’ve already have a conditional acceptance providing I get through the next 2 weeks. 


My housemate has been away now for over 3 weeks, by the time he has returned for seeing family and using his annual leave, it will be a month. 


It’s been a great month so far. He’s a nice guy but this pandemic has taken its toll on him. He’s deeply unhappy, doesn’t communicate and his moody. I’m not is partner, girlfriend, or lover. I would even say we are friends anymore. I’m just his landlady. It’s a miserable place to be.


My trusty reader - yes that just 2 of you. Are aware that I’m very when it comes to male mental health. I’m not in the worried stage for his mental health. I’m just passively observing. 


Here is a huge observation that’s been cemented since living like this. As a species of the human race, we NEED PEOPLE. We need to talk to our friends, hang out, joke around etc. Being a friendly guy but but not having a deep connection or the ability to confine to a friend is not good enough.


The next time I'm write I'm going to tell you about Bumbe. I finally gave in and tried to do this online dating malarkey.


Here is a great quote that sums up why I'm single. 



Sunday, 21 March 2021

The Covid Diaries - Day 375

21/03/2021

The Covid Diaries - Day 375

 

It's been a while. I’m still here, thank god. 

 

I should just write about gratitude but I’m going to go with selfcare. My form of selfcare is to rant a bit. I’m hoping that after I get this off of my chest, I will feel a bit better and less stuck. 

 

If I had to describe how I’m feeling in one word it would be stuck. 

 

If I went with more words I would say that I am frustrated, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, politically, aesthetically, sexually, and socially. Yep I think that sums it up. 

 

In other news for my small reader crowd, I’ll give you a quick recap. 

 

I have escaped this virus and touch wood have not picked it up at all. I’m still vegan, It will be 10 years in January. In May I will have lived in the UK for 20 years. I’m still devastated about Brexit and I think about it often. I bought an EU hoody that I wear proudly. Often on zoom calls with stakeholders that I’ve never met. I have a flight booked to see the folks in June, not sure if it will be safe to travel. Let’s see. I’m in the same job when it comes to the employer, I did however manage to escape the bullies and land a new position on 01/09/2020. It's been so nice I have moved to a new role. It's still a job vs winning the lottery but they people are good, and I’m respected. 

 

I may have mentioned in a previous post that one of the housemates moved out over 2 years ago. Initially I had the room set up as a spare room. I’ve always wanted people to stay over and come and visit. I’m not sure if it's a London thing or not but people tend to go home back to their own bed even if they live miles away. So back when the world was normal, I would hang with them at Waterloo or Charing Cross station while they waited for their train home and I would then take the tube home. 

 

So, after having a spare room for over a year pre-pandemic and 1 guest from Bristol I thought there is no point in having a spare room. So, I sold the double bed and mattress on ebay for £6 and turned the room into a home office and sauna. Oh yes, you heard me correctly. I now have a 2-man infrared sauna. It's pretty great, I have to say. It’s also worth more than my 11-year-old car. I’ve never had a second person in there with me. I’m pretty picky when it comes to sweat and well, I need to like the person and their sweat. There is also a pandemic happing so again no reason to have one over in the sauna with me. 

 

What else, I’m still all about growth, discovery, doing the hard work etc so I went back into therapy in June. I picked a fab older lady who lives 20 minutes away. The plan was that one day we could have face to face counselling psychotherapy, however it's still a zoom relationship. She’s actually a published author and a therapist. She’s cool and therapy is hard work.

 

The degree is on going and I plan to be done with that part in June 2021. 

 

I’ve since decided that I want more so in September 2021 I will start a 1-year top up degree. Integrated Working with Children & Families BA (HONS). I’m seriously going to have to bust my chops BIG TIME. They reason for this is a NEED a high grade so that I can then apply and get accepted to do a masters in Social Work. Yes! you heard it right. This is what I wanted to do when I was 16. It's what I was interested in and also what the career aptitude tests said. 

 

Why I didn’t do this then with the first attempt at a degree at 19, I’ll never know for sure. Scratch that. I do know, it was the lack of confidence in myself and my inability to detach from a situation. I’m someone that would want to fix everyone, everything, take them all home, feed them, love them, hug them. I’m still that same person but I think I may be able to do this. Let’s see. One thing at a time. First, I need to finish the foundation degree.

 

Well guys, I feeling better already. I know I should journal more as it relaxes me and does make me feel better. I really must do this more. It doesn’t need to be the blog but it could be. Because I leave massive gaps, I’m always filling you in on updates. Hope you enjoy this read. 

 

Take it easy and be kind to one another. We are all we’ve got.

 

Lxx

Saturday, 2 May 2020

The Covid Diaries - Day 52

WOW!

Honestly, I don’t know about you, but lockdown quarantine has been soooo slow and super intense at the same time. There are moments when I feel like I’ve just come out of a 24-hour therapy session. So much is coming up.

I’m still (always and forever) expanding my mind by listening to podcasts and visiting territories that NEED to be visited. These are often mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically. 

Let’s start!

Physically.
It's occurring to me that I have almost never felt pretty / beautiful / attractive. Beauty does come from within, however there is no harm in feeling that on the outside to. Internally I know that I have so much to offer so that remains the same. This does not worry me. What I want to work on is how I feel about my external body. My soul feels ok. My parents love me, they are good people. However, I never grew up being told that I’m pretty, beautiful attractive. 

Scrubbing up well, and having boys want to sleep with me doesn’t actually count. 

I need to feel better about me. The minute quarantine started the first thing that popped into my head was Bette Midler in 80’s workout clothing. The movie is a 1986 classic called Ruthless People. I was soooo young when this came out and I honestly have no idea why I remember this, but this is what I remember. A lady (Bette) being held captive in a basement with an old TV (maybe with a VCR) watching exercise videos. She loses weight and gets fit! I’m thinking, I can do this. I should do this. 

Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome does make somethings tricky and life is a balance of pacing however that applies to EVERYONE so it's just something that WE ALL need to master. I love walking and hiking; it's brings me joy and doesn’t feel like exercising. The issue with lockdown in London is that it's full of idiots that walk soooo close to you. The parks are fab, but they are packed. So! I Need to find things that I like doing at home. I might have mentioned this before, but I bought a mini trampoline a few years ago. It's good and I do like it BUT I hate the sound of the squeaky springs. I know I sound like such a snob, but I can’t help myself. It's too noisy. When I’m jumping, I want to watch TV, listen to a podcast, the radio, and audio book. You get the point. So, 2 weeks ago when I really felt down and out, I indulged and ordered the same rebounder that Victoria Beckham has. The FIT BOUNCE PRO REBOUNDER II has bungees instead of springs. For the record, I’m not that vain (or am I) I’ve been looking at a bungee rebounder for ages and I can’t wait for this to arrive mid-May. I’ve already set up a YouTube playlist of rebounder videos. Another reason why I can’t wait to rebound is that it's low impact, burns calories and there have been studies about it's effect on the lymphatic system and releasing toxins in the body. Watch this space girls and boys. Just watch.

Emotionally
Growth is the best way I could explain this. I was listening to a podcast this week and the host was talking about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I never really spent that much time thinking of the 2. They are both so different and it’s totally possible to do one, without the other. Previously I always thought about the saving, forgive and forget. I didn’t want to forget as I’ve learned so much from different experiences in my life. Historically, I’ve given so much to some friendships and have been completely burned. So! NOW my heart and my head have fully forgiven some shitheads. AND I’m totally ok with not reconciling some friendships! Whoop whoop! 

Mentally
I’m thinking that I’m rocking this one. 
This is unprecedented times, and it is totally ok to feel a bit shit sometimes. A big mental download was its ok to feel sad when I realised that I have never gone this long without physical touch from a human or an animal. Single folks out there with a pet, are still getting that touch ‘fix’ that we all need as humans. To be clear too when I’m talking about touch. I’m not just thinking about intimacy, I’m including, hugs, handshakes, walking arm in arm with my peeps. I can’t wait to touch people again and I know that I will one day soon. I also know that I have not given up AT ALL in finding that one person that I’ll be able to touch ALOT! (hehehe)

I’m going to wrap this entry up. The next one will be about all the amazing people that I popped back in my life and old friends that are making the effort to keep intouch. Maybe it's my most favourite part of the coronavirus pandemic.

Peace
Lxx

Monday, 13 April 2020

The Covid Diaries - Day 33

I really want to try and write every day so here is a short post. I did not plan my day as well as I should of. 

Lets just reflect back on the previous post where my brother, sister and I answered a set bunch of questions. 

12. Prized possession: 
What I found the most interesting is how the 3 of us picked passports as our most prised possession. How cool and also weird. It's not like we were born in war torn countries or that we have ever really needed to struggle. We were all born in Canada. I suppose maybe a passport isn’t so much of a document for us to travel but more of a symbol of where our home is, and place that we can always return to. That must be it.

8 & 9 for my brothers answer: The next thing is, how gay is my brother. Thankfully the kid is fully gay so we can excuse him for his awful taste in films. One of my choices was a gay romance. What I like about the film, Gods own country is that it's really about 2 people that fall for each other. Despite one of them really not being in touch with his feelings, yet over time that grows. There is also a family dynamic thing happing. It's a slow movie set in beautiful hard climate. If you haven’t already, watch it. 

14. Favourite place in your city/town
My sister picked an art gallery, shows that she is cultured. My brother picked a coffee shop, maybe he likes people watching. He is 11 years younger than me so I have to keep that in consideration. And I picked the outdoors. Parks. It really surprised me that they picked buildings. 

Rose & Thorn:

My rose had to have been parts of my walk, just exploring new areas and seeing teddy bears and rainbows in windows. Neighbours chatting and keeping social distancing. 

My thorn is trying Alison twice today on the phone and her not answering or even sending me a text which is what I normally get. I’m worried about her. I don’t know what it is like to loose a mother-in-law  / parent. She is also in her first trimester so all these emotions can’t be that good for her.

The other massive thorn that I have not brought up yet is my housemate is not talking to me. 

Let me explain that to you tomorrow. 

Funny line of the day. I was messaging my friend G from work explain my experiment to see if I can see my abs one day. They have been in hiding my entire life. We were discussing different things I can do from home. He has suggested calisthenics. His final text was: ‘Oh and I wouldn't suggest any exercises that flatten your boobs out.’

Looking back at previous posts. I really am boob obsessed. Only mine that is. I need to stop talking about them. Really, this is weird.

Until we meet again my readers, I’ll sign off. 

Lxx

Sunday, 12 April 2020

The Covid Diaries - Day 32

Hello my beloveds, 

As every entry starts the same (with an apology) you will have to excuse me for my tardiness. This maybe a new record for me. The last time I posted was 3 years ago! Yikes! (I’ll update you on the boys mentioned in the previous post at the end of this post)

So! Where were we… as usual, too much to get into, so we will have to fast forward to the new and current Covid Diaries. I went into isolation on Wednesday March 11th 2020. It's been a hell of journey, but I would say I’m pretty well adjusted now and quite in my element. Should we be worried, hell ya! Am I a social butterfly, a hermit or a homebody? I’m all of the above. I look forward to the new world when we see it again. Until then, I’m loving this current state (most of the time). 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still full of shit too. Alison’s mother-in-law Susan died of Covid19 on March 8th, it's so sad and it hasn’t hit me yet. You’ll know from previous posts that it takes me time to really accept and feel the loss of people. I just coast and carry on for a while, then out of the blue it will hit me. Funerals give me so much closure and I didn’t attend this one. Susan was buried less than 24 hours after passing. This is normal in the Jewish faith (same for Muslims too). Only one of her son’s and his wife where there. Alison’s husband has to WhatsApp video his bother in Italy. 

Normally there would be 7 days where family and friends would sit Shiva. This is not possible right now, plus it's Passover. For any of my dedicated readers who don’t know what shiva is, watch: This is where I leave you. It’s based on a book. The film is just an easy way to understand what Shiva is, even though the family are not Jewish. 

What else, the first few weeks when I could get food delivered, I ordered comfort items like rich tea biscuits etc. I’m now over that nesting phase and have gone back to lots of veg. This Thursday’s delivery is a crazy amount of veg. I’ve decided that when the new world begins, I’ll re-enter it a stone lighter. (For those of you who know what I look like, don’t fret, it's really not that bad. It's just that 5 pounds looks different on me so 14 pounds will look pretty cool)

I’ve mentioned the new world a few times now, what do I mean. Well, here goes nothing. 

This event that we are living though will change us forever. Once we are out of lockdown, the world will not bounce the way we may think it might. There will be some initial hurdles. Will Wembley ever be full again? Who knows. I sure hope so. I actually bought tickets to watch England vs Italy on Friday March 27th, 2020. It will take time for theatres to reopen again. People will need to find jobs. There will be huge amounts of transition. We will start to see the remains of those who have crumbled with their mental health. Truer figures of domestic abuse will be released too. 

BUT… Let’s talk about the good stuff! Some people have never had so much sleep since being an infant. Families are talking again; gardens have never looked better. Kids are seeing both of their parents. We are getting to know our neighbours. We are cooking more. We laugh more on family zoom calls. Zoom calls with my moms’ side of the family is a real riot. The beginning of the call is all the kids (me and my cousins) reminding our folks to put their hearing aids up. It's only the ones in their 70’s and 80’s, everyone else is ok. 

The first few weeks I wasn’t taking any walks at all. I did some gardening but other than that the only fresh air was opened windows in the house and taking out the wheelie bins. I’m sure there was an element of fear that was keeping me in. However, as we are seeing we are going to be here for the long haul. It’s time to move.  

I’ve been on 4 long walks in the last 5 days. I missed one day because the zoom call with my family killed me. You know I love them but it's hard work at times. My siblings and I had to pretty much yell at my dad to stay home. Tough love in my family is often that last resort that works. We had to remind my dad that (god forbid) if he gets sick. None of us can see him in the hospital. If he died, we couldn’t go to the funeral. You might judge us for being mean, but it worked. He’s staying put. My mom is a front-line worker (nurse) so she’s feeling it.

Back to my walks story. To remind you in case you forgot. I bought my house in 2007 because it was nice enough and neighbourhood looked ok. Only after living here a few months did it dawn on me that I bought in a pretty affluent neighbourhood. My street has become so gentrified over that last few years. Child actors live a few doors down. (The kids in BBC Poldard and Catastrope). I don’t really feel like I fit in here, but I’m not sure where I am supposed to be. (That’s a whole other blog post, so I’ll park that ) So! I’ve been exploring and walking around these streets. So many houses, families everywhere. It's been amazing. Some of the joys I have witnessed was a family on a jog. The mom was in the front and then behind her were her 2 kids, I’m guessing 8 and 10 years old, followed by her husband. That was definitely my rose of the day. [if you have forgotten, you have to end everyday with remembering what your rose and thorn was for the day. The good and the not so good] 

Today’s Rose was sooo simple and beautiful. I was walking down the road, in my leggings, vegan t-shirt, baseball hat, bum bag (yes you heard right, this is not a fashion show) and my headphones. Due to the fact that I absolutely love homes, I check each one out. I passed a house with the front door open and a very elderly man with his Zimmer frame was just watching the world go by. I smiled and waved at him and he waved back. I wonder if he knows that he made my day.

Time to start wrapping up. My sister and mom are in a condo block on the 15th floor. They do have a balcony but it faces a car park, you can see Lake Ontario in the distance. Canada is not encouraging walks etc so they are stuck. My sister was going a little stir crazy so she sent my brother and I some questions. I added 3 more questions and neither of them replied. I do ask the tough questions.  Have a look at our replies. My next post will be to go into this a bit further. 

My answers:
1. Favourite Colour: turquoise 
2. Favourite junk food: popcorn 🍿
3. Favourite Pizza Toppings: mushrooms 🍄
4. Comfort food: potato 🥔
5. Favourite Dessert: rice pudding
6. Hot beverage you love: hot chocolate 
7. Favourite card game: solitaire 
8. Movie to make you cry: My Girl when I was young. God’s Own Country now
9. Movie to make you laugh: We’re the Millers
10. Favourite Holiday: Easter 🐣
11. Favourite article of clothing: warm socks and scarfs
12. Prized possession: 2 valid in date passports = democracy & freedom
13. Favourite place in your home: my bed / my bedroom 
14. Favourite place in your city/town: one of the parks. Highgate woods, Hampstead Heath, St.James Park 
15. Favourite place on earth: a place where I feel safe. Not sure yet where that is. I did love the Serengeti 
16. Describe what love feels like in one word?
17. What scares you the most in the world?
18. Do you believe in God?

My sisters’ answers:
1. Favourite Colour: dark red
2. Favourite junk food: cheeseburgers
3. Favourite Pizza Toppings: cheese and pepperoni 
4. Comfort food: rice and yogurt with salt
5. Favourite Dessert: good quality chocolate ice-cream
6. Hot beverage you love: grande half sweet peppermint mocha from Starbucks. 
7. Favourite card game: asshole
8. Movie to make you cry: Beaches
9. Movie to make you laugh:  sooo many... Bridget jones diary.
10. Favourite Holiday: my birthday! 
11. Favourite article of clothing: my mint green nike running shoes. & a grey pyjama t-shirt i have had for 9 years. 
12. Prized possession: passports & pearl earrings
13. Favourite place in your home: in my bed
14. Favourite place in your city/town: Art Gallery of Ontario 
15. Favourite place on earth: Interlaken, Switzerland.

My brothers’ answers:
Questions for siblings!
1. Favourite Colour: blue?
2. Favourite junk food: cookies
3. Favourite Pizza Toppings: cheese pepperoni green peppers and mushroom
4. Comfort food: kitchri? 
5. Favourite Dessert: chocolate cake 
6. Hot beverage you love: tea 
7. Favourite card game: rummie
8. Movie to make you cry: Armageddon / a league of their own
9. Movie to make you laugh: She’s the man
10. Favourite Holiday: Pride
11. Favourite article of clothing: McGill hoodie
12. Prized possession: passport
13. Favourite place in your home: bedroom
14. Favourite place in your city/town: jimmy’s coffee
15. Favourite place on earth: a beach?

To recap the boys post:

-        As of new years eve, Michael is alive with prostate cancer. He doesn’t reply to my texts. I think he is still living in hostel, and his post still goes to his old home. 
-        My Scottish friend is good. He and his wife were almost stuck in Lanzarote but got back to the UK. After self-selection. They are both good.
-        I haven’t heard from the friend who retired. He is way up north. 

Peace out

Lxx

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Boys

Hello kids,

It’s been a while! Sorry for the radio silence.

As usual its unfashionably late and this is not the time to be blogging but I’m in the sharing mood so here I am!

Adam at work has also been emailing me telling me that he’s giving up on randomly checking the blog for the latest entry so here it is.

I still find boys and girls sooo interesting so let’s talk about boys. No boy has landed on my lap yet (did I ever tell you about my fantasy of sitting on the tube when the driver suddenly stops and this amazing man stumbles and ends up on my lap)… that’s what I’m waiting for.

I can tell you about lots of other boys that all make me smile.

A few hours before I was departing for Glastonbury in June I was talking to neighbor Michael who is in his 60’s. I‘ve mentioned him before, his beloved partner of 30 years died in October and he is having to move. They never married and her kids and the bank want the money. Its beyond awful and a note for all of us to sort out our fianances. Anyhow.. we are chatting away and I tell him that I need to dash, pack and get on the road. He last words to me were to have fun… and come back older. How sweet is that, I suppose that’s flirting without being gross and seedy.  I just smiled and gave him a hug.

Quick diversion as we’re on the topic of Michael and hugs, my mother was in town in June. It was a difficult strained visit. When she left she didn’t hug me or tell me that she loves me. Her last words were to take care. We have not spoken since. These things happen, it is what it is. Michael who also has prostate cancer and broken heart was able to show me more love and kindness than the person who gave birth to me. As I said, it is, what it is.

Next boy, In June I also went to Edinburgh for a few days to listen to my favorite speaker talk about inner peace, Prem Rawat. Whilst there I met up with a work colleague / friend who I got to know in 2014, when we were on a 1 week residential course. He drove me around and showed me the sites. It was so nice. There is something so great when girls and boys can be friends and fully confide in each other without judgment. Like almost every person I know, we are so different. He is married with 2 sons, at times he jokes about me ending up with his sons and then he says that I’m too good for them. This makes me laugh.

Tonight I had drinks with another colleague who is retiring at the end of the month. He is 66, he too is a sweet guy who says if he was only 30 years younger… Boys are such funny things. At one point in the evening we were reciting famous quotes about love and sex. One that he told me that I really like comes from Oscar Wilde. ‘For men the price of sex is intimacy, for woman the price of intimacy is sex’. This quote gives a lot to chew on. What do you kids think? Please post opinions in the comment section. Oh and the reason we were talking about love is that he cant figure out why I haven’t been snapped up yet. ( sooo good for a gilrs ego!)

Oh I was crying this morning, it was short and brief but let me share. I have a colleague that has no tact or sensitivity. He was making jokes about the fact that train drivers get full retirement as soon as 3rd person jumps in front of his/her train. This is not something to be happy about or to wish upon anyone. Not even 5 minutes later he then started talking about kids/young adults that might take their own life if they get poor A-level results tomorrow. To be clear, I did not start crying when he said all this shit, it was only later when I was talking to another colleague about the other persons lack of sensitivity that I got frustrated / upset.

That’s it for now,

I’ve met some pretty fantastic people this year, and veganism is changing my life daily for the better. Will tell ya more soon

Peace out and love one another… if you can't, the be kind to one another
L xx