Oh no… this isn’t great but maybe it is.

​Oh no people! I had other things I wanted to talk about today but this entry has been trumped by recent events.

My sister called my mom over to her place and asked my mom to drive her to the ER of the local psych hospital. This is good, this is also sad. 

Sad for so so many reason. (PS. Please skip this entry if it’s too triggering) I apologise now for going off tangent. 

Over a decade ago in the UK I had a male friend who was not doing well at all. He was in a UK psych ward. When the staff were looking he managed to take his own life. 

As per the hospital where my sister is at. We once had a family friend whose adult son was not doing well. He was going to the psych hospital daily for treatment but really needed to be an inpatient. They didn’t have the space to keep him in. Sadly one evening at home, he took his life. 

I have strong feelings about the Hospital where my sister is at. Where to start….

My first job at 16 was at McDonalds. I worked a lot despite being in full time education also known as high school. The ‘mental hospital’ was a bus ride away or less than an hours walk. It was close. I would see the patients daily. They really liked McDonalds coffee and these were the days when you could smoke indoors still (this became illegal in 2006). I can still remember the yellow gnarly fingers and teeth of ‘these people’. Keep in mind that I was 16. I found ‘them’ scary and I’m not sure how compassionate I was then or now. I hope I’m a better person. I’ll always be professional but I’m also a scared little girl. Even when they would talk to me, I would respond but I was scared. These people were deemed safe enough to be out. They never hurt me, often all they would do is talk to themselves or repeat things. The brain is sooo complex and it needs care and nurturing. It’s why I’m so god damn passionate about a child’s mental health and brain development. 

The next memory is rough. I honestly can’t be bothered to scroll though very old enteries of this blog, to see if I’ve ever spoken of this. I don’t think I have. There is a whole massive story to this that I won’t go into. All you need to know is that I believe in God, the universe and divine timing. Had the evening “gone to plan” we would have got home much later to find my mom dead. Instead she was still conscious and an ambulance was called. First they brought her to an ER (I think) and the next day when I saw her, it was at the “mental hospital”. That was a very bizarre day for me. One reason is that I recognised sooo many people. Some how, all my McDonalds customers were there. Like all of them! Maybe they lived there and were allowed out in the day. Who knows, it was just ALOT. ALOT was soon trumped by my dad standing at the foot of the hospital crying about what had happened to his ex wife. This was the day that I understood that my dad loves my mom. They have never been in love, I think my father would struggle to describe what love even is. Despite that, who are any of us to describe love. All I know, is that I watched a man crying for someone he loved. What’s wild is my mom doesn’t remember several of these days. It’s black hole 🕳️ that has been wiped from her memory. Maybe that God too. We don’t talk about this day often, though I remember her shock decades later when telling her about my dad’s reaction. 

Now back to my sister. I must TRUST that she is in the best place and that they can help her. She’s so multiple medications as it stands and I believe that in itself is the issue. I don’t think any pharmaceutical company is testing all the side effects of combined medication. Think about it honestly. There are hundreds and thousands of drugs these days. Does anyone know what really happens to the brain when you take X,Y and Z together. I often come across articles of long term damage of people who smoke cannabis regularly. Think about it, it’s that’s a natural leaf that can cause permanent damage. What do pharmaceuticals do. I’m a big believer in talk therapy and I think she needs that, as much as an overhaul of what she’s on. 

That’s about it on that. How do I know where she is you ask? Well… prior to the holiday it was agreed that the 5 family members would share their live location with one another. This was mostly for airports and if we lost my dad when the ship docked in a different country. 

This evening I was having a nosey peak at where people are and noticed her location. I then called my mom to see if she knew about this and she explained how she just dropped my sister off at her request.

Final recap of the day that feels especially poignant. The vast majority of my UK friends have never even seen a photo of my family, so for the close friends, I recently sent a load from the photography package that my mom bought. (Mentioned in previous posts). When catching up today with one of these such friends, he said that it was interesting to see them. He said that I had really painted a dark picture of people with trauma. 

Fortunately or unfortunately I’ll never share these pictures on the internet but we scrub up good and look like a delightful happy, joyous family. I’m not even saying that we’re not this. All I’m trying to say is that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s life.

Until we meet again 

Moi

PS. For background blogging pleasure, I’m watching Casio Royale for the millionth time. James Bond licking Ave Greens fingers in the shower after the shootout! Has to be one of my favourite scenes. Love that he enters the shower fully clothed in his Tux to comfort her.

The sword 🗡️ i’ll die on

​Hi friends, I’ve missed you. 

Let’s start with more thoughts on my last entry and an update on my sister. She has been back to work for 3 days and is now signed off for a month due to poor mental health. This is sad but not unexpected. (See behaviour in previous blog entries). I canned my dad and explained how he needs to lay off her. He doesn’t mean to, he just comes from a different generation and mentally. While he was married it was my mom who would do it all for him. Then I stupidly took that mantle on, before jumping ship to the UK. For years sister lived away but has been back for the last 3 years. Regardless of my dad asking for help, my family have had zero boundaries. It’s why it’s a mess. Now I thrive in my boundaries. 

Also going back to the last entry, please can everyone go read Notes on Being a Man by Scott Galloway. It’s a mix of a memoir, his thought and advice. It also had lots of statics too. Scott has 2 sons, when the family have guests staying over, the boys need to go out and get the luggage of the guests and bring it into the house. When they are at the table, they have to offer water and pour for others and then their own. I LOVE SCOTT! I will raise my children this way. My bro wasn’t raised this way, maybe he doesn’t know any better. PS. My girls will also have impeccable manners. 

If the entire world could start with pleas and thank you, that would be a start. 

I was telling a friend recently that I don’t have much to report. This is the truth. This is the amazing truth. For years and years, actually my entire life I have lived off of drama. It’s mostly been subconscious, but if you know me, I have a story to tell. I guess you could say that I still do but the story has changed. Now it’s just about how calm I feel. 

Let’s start with the title of this entry. The sword I’ll die on. I don’t know anyone as opinionated as I am. Mix that with passion and you get moi! 

I was going to write a list but I’ll just explain how I’ve changed or how I changed my mind. 

I grew up as a typical feminist. That’s far from who I am now. You can believe in women’s right and not be a feminist. I was totally fixed on keeping my family name. Hell no was I going to take HIS name. I’m so taking his name and I’m very cool with belonging to him (PS. I haven’t found him yet)

I was a vegan for 13 years and I was sure I was going to be that way until death and that is how I would die. No thank you! I’m very much enjoying the typical human diet with an emphasis on healthy food, not processed. 

I thought I wanted a career, I’m very happy to drop that one too. I’ll be the CEO of the family household and play an active role as the mother of my children and the girlfriend to my husband. 

Once upon a time I trusted the system, the paradigm, the medical industrial complex. Now that’s over my dead body! I question everything and think for myself. I’m not a sheep. 🐑 I’ll never vaccinate my offspring, wrap them or me in plastic (synthetics), give them technology etc. How many more studies or news paper articles does society need to understand the side effects of all of these “helpful” things. Gosh I just think of the millions of people that have their head in a microwave daily. Yes that’s the same as wearing Bluetooth wireless headphones. It’s all frequencies. The human body has lasted for so so long but with all these modifications, what do people expect. Strip it back and question what you eat, what you wear, what you put on your body, what you cook your food on. I’ve been far down the road for 8 plus years now. 

What else! I still care for nice things but depending on the item, brands don’t matter to me. I would say it’s about the ingredients. There was an article today in the Times about a Gail’s sandwich that has more salt than a McDonals Bigmac. Just because Gail’s is pretty and pricey, it’s doesn’t actually make the product better or healthier. 

That’s it for now, I’ve come to a blank so it might be bedtime.

Day 8 - Disembark Panama - Saturday May 9th 2026

​Woah 😦 Fuck! Breakfast was HARD

Let’s get real. I’ve mentioned that my sisters mental health is BAD. Folks it not getting any better. 

She is so deeply intertwined in both my parents health. It’s almost obsessive. Then the parents do what they want and she (sisiter) takes it all on. 

Let’s give examples. My brother likes to remind me that twice he has found my dad’s underwear in the bathroom after being hand washed. 

Whoopdidoo! Who cares! Can’t we be content enough that my dad washed his pants (undies for the North Americans). That he has enough awarnesss to do that. That he’s not waking around with skid marks in his pants. 

This morning the man asked the waiter for prune juice  🥤. God forbid he ordered prune juice and end everyone leaves him the fuck alone. But no… hello no! My sister was busting his chops immediately. She was going on and on about his diet and reminding him how on the way to the airport, they had to make a pit stop so my dad could use the bathroom. 

Look! I don’t have a prostrate but all my readers do and the rest of the male population. I don’t know the ins and out but sure. You have to use the bathroom more. 

At this point I couldn’t bite my tongue and say nothing. Also I wasn’t pipping up for the sake of my dad, which is what you may be thinking. Her (sisters) mental health is circling the drains. I really would like her to NOT be dead. She had time off in April for her depression and having suicidal ideations. This is not someone who feels a bit blue sometimes. Anyhow, I told her strait up that she is literally killing herself. I told her that he is his one person. She can’t control him, she can’t be his keeper. Even if he was her child (that’s how she treats him) she has to stop. ✋ Sadly none of it got though to her. She was right back on the case, “But you done have to deal with XYZ”.

My dad was not doing well at all that morning when it came to his dementia. So many nervous and repetitive questions about the disembarkation process, the gates, the meeting area, the flights, the check in, we was going where etc. it was sad but I honestly think that her (can we call it bulling him?) behaviour towards him doesn’t help at all. 

It makes my think of my old high school friend. Anna Banana. I had a nickname too but I can’t remember it. Anna had a stutter, (stammer for the Brits) and when she was nervous or anxious it was worse. When she was around people she knew well and was calm within herself she almost didn’t have it. 

Back to my dad, he’s doing his best. He keeps and pen and paper and writes things down. He wrote his breakfast order which was great. Sometime I’ll say, it’s great that you’re writing this down and my brother will be quick on his heels to say, “He always looses the papers”. 

Folks, you can’t win when it comes to these sibs. They are DEEP in their’ own shit / in their own way of being an unregulated human.

I had feedback from 2 of my very faithful readers. One based in Surrey and the other in Scotland. Both are old work friends. They both enjoy my style of writing, what a great compliment. One of them double checked that my family don’t know of or read this blog. This has to stay the case or they would be devastated. Dear readers (lol yes I’m now Lady Bridgerton) please don’t judge me. It’s just so helpful to get my thoughts out with an imaginary audience. For so many years I would just over think. I still do, but this helps. 

Now that that’s done. We need to move onto the bro. This is going to be hard. Now remember I raised him until he was 8ish and I lived with him from birth to age 5. Then I moved in with my dad and he and the sis stayed with my mom. (Can you see how disjointed and irregular my upbringing has been)

I met a lovely young lady and her mom. She may have been in her 30’s and her mother was 75. Both slim tiny people. (I may do a separate blog entry on all the cool people I met and the friends I made at a later date.) The daughter is / was a Panamanian Diplomat who lived in Switzerland for 8 years. Since 2023 she’s been back in Panama City working and waiting for her next posting. 

The cruise disembarked in Colon Panama and then the bro and I needed to make our way to Panama City where I booked a a room with 2 double beds. I have a no share rule after horrific experiences in the last few years but I was happy to make the exception for 1 night. He is my brother and all. 

So a few days before I asked the diplomat if she didn’t mind bro and I tagging along for the commute from Colon to Panama City. My Spanish is non existent and it’s nice to have a local around etc. She was more than willing so the plan was made. 

Bro and I said goodbye to my sister and parents (yes my poor dad was crying, it’s sooo sad) and then went to meet diplomat and mom. 

My luggage is a checked 4 wheel spinner, a 4 wheel smaller spinner that goes overhead and a smaller should bag that’s goes under the seat. To be clear. Both my hands are normally full with each of the cases. 

My bother had 1 backpack and 1 spinner case.

Coming off of a ship is very similar to getting off of a plane. First you have to go through customs and then you get your luggage. So like a carousel, there is a number and you get your bigger bag. Your hand luggage is with you. 

Diplomat had a duffle bag on one shoulder and her big case in the other. (They chose to move their luggage on their own vs the cruise company) Her mom had a smaller spinner and a backpack. 

Coming off the ship my brother and I only had our hand luggage. 

Sheesh - sorry for all the background details but it’s essential to the story. 

As we are making our way from the 6th deck all the way out I’m waiting to see if my bother will help the 75 year old lady. 

Nothing guys, absolutely nothing at all. 

Screw that! I have no time to educate him of how the world works or go into my utter disbelief and disappointment. 

Very quickly I asked the mom if she would like me to push her bag. Would you guess what??? The answer was yes. So there I was with my case and hers. 

Sadly I had to give her suitcase back to her when I needed to retrieve my big case. Again, here was another opportunity for my brother to help her out as he had one free hand. Nothing. 

Together the 4 of us took a 3 minute taxi ride for $20 USD to the local bus terminal. We then took a local bus to Pamana city for $3.15 USD. (Remember the 1984 film Romancing the Stone with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner. If you haven’t seen it, see it. It’s what a romance movie adventure should be. Anyhow.. in the film they are on a locals bus in Columbia - similar climate) this bus was the same. Old… so old, I wanted to take pictures for you but I’m mindful of privacy. The seats were packed and people stood in the isles. The music was loud and felt like noise to me.)

After that at the central station on the other side I had to cross this huge road with my cases. At no point did my brother offer to help or assist me. 

Now here is the deal. Does he despise me and want me to suffer. Is this a case, you made your bed and now you need to lie in it. Is he so blind to others. Was he not taught about manner and energy. Am I different because I raised myself in Britain. What’s the answer people?

(My) Coach would probably say, if you bring it, it’s your responsibility to deal. 

Gosh when it comes to money. That’s a whole other thing. I’ve written about this (do go and catchup). Coach has reminded me that I can lead by example, they may pick up on it, or they may not, however it’s a way to behave with integrity that’s true to myself. 

I paid for the Uber and I wanted to pay for some meals. I’m sick and tired of this splitting malarkey. Seriously can we all just get a grip, nobody is ordering $100 steaks! 

As for the bus ride, I found the temperature perfect. It was warm and I was happy. At the bus terminal as soon as we got off the bus he said that he thinks he should get his own room so that we would both be comfortable. Fine that’s cool. 

At the hotel, I wanted to gift him the cost of his room, but no he wouldn’t have it. That’s fine, I don’t argue. I politely said I would like to and he said no. Guys! The inability to receive a gift is a deep trauma that I hope he resolves. If he feels that he owes the gift giver, that’s equally messed up. 

Later at the local mall he allowed me to pay for lunch, he was a bit confused and I said, you can get dinner if you want and he agreed. 

At dinner when we were at the old town, he asked for 2 bills, (In hindsight I should have stayed silent) and I reminded him of the plan we had made at lunch. He then instantly remembered and changed it to one bill. After paying the bill, he immediately said. You better pay for the taxi back. There was so much tone and animosity in his voice. I said I was happy to transfer money for my bill but he said no. 

Guys I just don’t get this. Now I know millions of people have thier own money story. It’s the route of so many relationships falling apart etc. it’s just hard for me to comprehend. During the trip I briefly came up that the money my dad gifts to all 3 of his children. My bothers response was, I don’t use that money, I use it on dad. Both the sibs are convinced my dad is broke and that he doesn’t remember what he has and what he has spent. 

One suggestion that I made and that was adopted in theory, during the funeral and will conversation. Was that my dad would transfer and about that would cover the cost of his funeral and a period of time for medical care. I’m hoping that this will ease some of the worries that the sins have. Let’s see. - Side note. Whilst at the airport I messaged my dad about this and he checked his funds. He was 85% on the amount so that great. His number will be plenty good and I’m confident he will move this money over to easy the mental pressure on the sibs. The think is guys, and if you a very very very long term reader you’ll know that my dad often goes with my suggestion. It’s not manipulation, it’s how you deliver a message. 

Other brother things that miffed me. (Is that even English).

He pulled out a pack of Extra chewing gum that was in a blister pack style. He got one for him and put the pack in his pocket. Now i didn’t see it all, I don’t know if that was his last gum, or if he only had one left and couldn’t spare it. I know nothing. All I do know is that I personally have never had chewing gum and not offered it to the friend of relative next to me.

Cruise Day 7 - May 8th 2026

​Today has been a lot harder for no particular reason other than it’s a lot. It makes me think of life partners and spouses. Finding a person who you can be with at the same time is not actually doing things. I see so many couples that keep so busy, that that’s the way they survive. I also think it’s why some people stay together. They know how to live with that other person, and any change is too much. They aren’t always happier but the change is a step too far. 

I’m digressing and going on a tangent. 

Several hours later. I’ll give you bulet points 

• my mom pre paid for a photo package of 20 digital prints. 154 pictures were taken, I gave up helping them choose. My mom paid so really I think her say is good enough.
• My dad was melting on the outdoor decks and near the pool. He then went to change and came back in some questionable shorts. I asked him why he didn’t wear swimming shorts / trunks and he said he didn’t want to go into the water. Fair enough. Then he said, I’m not even sure what I’m wearing, I think I wear this to sleep. 
• I talked to a 27 year old American girl who has lived in 3 different states. She was about to start law school at 22 and applied for a job, she lied in her application but got the job. 5 years later she is still there, she moved up the ladder is on a good wage and she has paid off her student debt. Additionally she asked about the UK government and if we have a president. I said prime minister and more or less left it at that. 
• My brother came back to his room last night at three am. Those gays sure do get out. If you didn’t already know, my brother is gay. There is an LGBT meet-up that happens nightly and he’s made lots of friends. Good for him. 
• Last night at dinner it was just me and my bro at the table in the grand dinning room at the end of the meal. He was telling me how his new friends have invited him to gay day at October fest. Maybe it has a different name but you get the drift. I was then asking about the gay party scene. My brother and his crew don’t do drugs. None of my parents 3 children do. He was saying that a lot of gay men are very conscious of their looks and appearance. Alcohol is too high in calories so that’s why so many of them take substances instead. Shit reason in my opinion, but each to their own. I’m pleased that this is not my brother’s normal circle of friends. After dinner he gave me a hug. That’s new. 
• Side note re dinner at the dinning table and my own family that I will one day (god willing) make. We will all sit at the table and leave when everyone is done. In my opinion it’s just the polite thing to do. However I’m not on this trip to point out their faults. If there are any, I just write about them here. I can tell you that I have remained seated and only left the table when the last person is ready to go. You can only control what you can control. Staggered exits haven’t happened at every meal, just some. 
• My mom’s been talking about all her future trips, holidays, etc. Guess she’s forgotten about the fact that she may be having her gallbladder removed and only a few months ago she called in hysterics that she was going to die. (Go back and read a previous entry on that)
• I’ve met a nice Panamanian 🇵🇦 diplomat and her mom who are holidaying together. Tomorrow when we disembark I’ll take the bus the locals take into Panama City from Colon where the cruise ends. My bro will come with me. The other 3 go straight to the airport. 
• Man… I’ve just remembered that my dad will cry tomorrow, actually I think my sister and mom awill too. They are an emotional bunch. 
• How about these legs?? Hot don’t you think… now to get the rest of this body to match. 

• I keep on watching the different shapes and bodies of these fellow cruisers. If suddenly everyone on this ship turned into cannibals, we would still be doomed. Yes these people are huge but soooo unhealthy. 
• I’ve also been brainstorming how much weight I can loose in the 3 weeks recovery post surgery. I’ll have to get out and walk. I have a mini trampoline at home but probably not a good idea with a nose job. Do your noses move when you’re on a trampoline. Text me and tell me. 

Ok folks, shower time.. I’m a few shades darker now and I’m got a good dose of vitamin D. Zero sunblock, no burns, no sunglasses. 

Laters Gators 🐊 

18:00 - 45 minutes until dinner and I should be packing but I’m beat. Cruise ships ask for your luggage to be outside of your room for 20:00. Then they move it to a section that’s easy to unload at 7:30 in the morning. 

I brought way too much in clothing but then made the effort to wear it all too. 

It’s weird when you don’t see you family often or any regular basis. All you can say is, I’ll see you when I see you.