Adultry, Affairs, Observations

Friday July 17th 2024 - Alexandra Palace Park

I have an hour until Richard Ashcroft come onto the stage. I’m also alone so nobody to talk to. This is not Glastonbury where so many people actually go in their own. I personally don’t see that very much at outdoor gigs and other festivals. It’s cool though, I’ve been to this park many a time in my life so really I feel like I’m in my back garden. 

I saw my homeopath this morning, this was our 4th appointment this year. She’s been practicing as a homeopath for 30 plus years and she’s very good. Every time I see her I get more excited about starting my training to become a homeopath. The thing that’s so fascinating about Homeopathic remedies is that it’s one remedy can work on so many different aspects of a persons life. 

As per usual in my life, it all leads back to my upbringing and family relationships. We know that I’ve made solid boundaries, but I still feel. Via homeopathy, I’ll be working in the sadness and anger when it comes to the family. 

Gosh, what else should we talk about. I’ve been meaning to do a whole post on adultery. Might as well get into it now. It’s a funny one because my thoughts and feelings on the matter have changed a lot over the years. Once upon a time. If people were cheating or having an affair, I would be interested in the story. I think I thought it gave the act more context etc. 

Now I don’t give a rats ass why someone has decided to have an emotional or physical affair. It’s pretty damn simple. If you’re not happy and you want to try your luck elsewhere then just be a fucking grownup and say so. Break up, get divorced, don’t be a sleazy heart breaker. 

I have a friend my age, married 2 kids and her husband is having an affair. Now I won’t go into any details other than tell you she is devastated and absolutely heartbroken. Is it really that hard (let’s not make pun jokes) for men and woman to keep in it their pants. Is that really that difficult. 

This brings me to something that I wrote about years ago. In the film when Harry met sally, Harry says that met and woman can’t be friends. What do you think?

I saw an account on instagram where a husband and wife said that the other person could not see friends of the opposite sex alone. They would have to accompany their spouse or there would have to be others there. I get it, and I can see how that can work for some. Frankly this couple were very good looking, fit and into their physical appearance. They were both extremely flirty beings too. I suppose this rule safe guards their relationship.

As for me, I hang out with guys just as much as I do with girls. Maybe even more so. I couldn’t imagine not seeing my male friends. 

Sunday July 19th 2026

So the gig was good. I was pretty tired so I choose to be in the back on a raised part. This gave me loads of space plus I could sit for most of it. 

Here are some of my observations from the evening. (I’ll skip the music critique - I’m a Richard Ashcroft fan)

Not a single person talked to me unless I started the conversation. Even then, I chose to almost not do that. I sure did miss Glastonbury where for some reason everyone is kinder to one another. Side note. On multiple Glastonbury festivals people have said to me, “I just don’t get it! Why can’t people be nice to each other like this all the time?”. Glastonbury is part of my soul. On a side note for perfect partner (and yes, there is no such thing as perfection) it says that he has Glastonbury tickets for us! Hehe is not even him and I. It’s for me and my friend who has gone with me every time. Obviously he’ll come too. 

Another observation from Friday night is how the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. As I quietly sat watching the opening bands and people watching, there was a group standing to my right drinking. There was about 8 of them and they would take turns getting rounds. As they finished their drinks they would just chuck the paper cup on the ground. Just like that. Straight on the ground. Now guys! There were loads and loads of bins everywhere. The range is me is soo deep, so so deep! The injustice wound is screaming. What’s wrong with these idiots! What is it about their entitlement that means it’s ok to litter like that. The worst part was as the dad was throwing his drinks tray to the ground, he clocked me watching him. He just looked at me and carried it on. Here is another big concern, I’m being serious now. I really, really, really wanted to pick up the rubbish. Did I want to clean up, am I that concerned about the environment, did I want a reaction from these dick heads, did I want to embarrass them, did I want to be embarrassed by others? Am I really that autistic? Holy shit! WTF!!!

Anyhow I didn’t do a thing other than fester. Bringing it back to the first part, the whole family are allergic to walking to a bin, so all of them just used the ground instead. This included his kids in their 20’s. 

This next part is an observation on love and how people express it. There was a couple behind me, I didn’t take much notice of them until he started yelling at her. She has returned after 20 minutes, she had gone to the loo miles away. So, in his rant to her, he’s complaining that she missed the good songs, he was worried, where did she go, why did it take so long etc. Had this man had the ability to tune into his nervous system, he could have just hugged her and said, “I’m glad you’re back. I got worried.” Is over reaction is based on love and everyone shows it in different ways. 

Choose which way you want to give it and receive it. I have zero, absolutely zero tolerance for anyone raising their voice to me. As humans we can get animated when we’re passionate about things or when we are trying to express something that is important. I get that, I just won’t accept it. I recently told a friend in conversation, no need to raise your voice. He clocked that and sorted it out right away. Side note - this is why I talk to my family for 60 minutes a month max. Aggressive, loud, spiteful is the default tone. No thanks.

I’m heading to a BBQ at 15:00. I know lot of people but don’t really gel well with many of them. I make the effort and it’s all cordial but they are not my people. Effort can be exhausting. I get on so well with the couple hosting which is the reason I’m going. 

Side note about the adultly stuff. This BBQ family have my spare key so I’m often there when I’ve locked myself out. Last month when this happened, it was day after I found out about my other friend and her husband cheating. So I asked BBQ couple to promise me that if the marriage doesn’t work out, get counselling or get divorced but don’t cheat. It’s just bad. The wife then immediately said, he drives me crazy but I love him and I would never do that. The husband then said to me, she never tells me she loves me and the then had a joking row. I then told him he needs to promise me, and he did. They are a funny bunch. Lots of love and lots of volume in their home. We are all so different. (I just personally know that volume disrupts my nervous system. I’m totally down with loud music, just not raised voices)

Oh and I made my famous delicious potato salad. Here is the recipe.

Small jersey royal potato’s or any small ones. Boil, let cool, chop, keep the skin on.

Helmann’s mayonnaise 

Spring onions

Celery chopped super small and fine

Black Pepper

Himalayan sea salt

Onion granules

Garlic powder 

It’s yum! I’ll add a picture if I remember 

Toodle-oo 

Flow & Taco Tuesday

Saturday July 11th 2026

​I’m starting this entry from my office aka the bathtub. I think if I was a millionaire I would have some sort of standing desk in a pool with a waterproof keyboard. I’m sure that sort of thing works. I know when I was working for the NHS we have these really clean keyboards that you would just wipe etc. 

The football is also on right now, house mate is watching and I’ll watch towards the end when it’s important. I’ve only ever lived in 2 countries; I can tell you that how England scores affects life on the street. Happy people vs sad people. 

Regardless of the footy, we get to choose how we want this precious life to play out. 

As mentioned in previous entries, I’ve fallen off the radar with the core folks. I still send the occasional text. One of them asked how I was doing etc. This was my response:

(Start of text)

Hey, thanks for the text. I’m mostly ok with the heat most nights. Even the days, I seem to be wearing lots of strapless bandeau dresses so it’s working. 

I spoke to my brother the day after the last text. It’s clear that my family think and do things very differently to me. 

We had a family call yesterday and it was even more evident that not only are we on 2 different paths, we are also moving further away. 

I don’t suspect there will be any change with my sister at all, she continues to be consumed with my father’s health and is planning another holiday. I come from a long line of avoidant people who run from their problems. 

I on the other hand, run towards my problems to resolve them. 

There is no right or wrong; there is no rule book. 

All I know is that I wish them well. I won’t be allowing their dramas to affect me any longer.

xx 

(text ends)

My new normal feels more, more and more like normal. It’s almost not even new anymore. It’s remarkable how we can shape our own lives. 

Let’s talk about flow, being in it, and what that looks like in my life. 

Coach Renee has been consistently telling me to clear my diary, just be, be still, and let things flow. My human design also explains that my life is much better when things to come to me. 

For the longest time I’ve been operating in my masculine. This is pretty normal behaviour if you are single and you have to do everything on your own. This is normal; I’m not criticising the way I’ve had to operate. I can’t be Barbie waiting for Ken to get on with it. However, there are moments every day when I don’t have to be doing all the time. I can’t see what happens. I don’t have to plan everything. I can be in flow.

Flow can look like so many things. I’ve lived with my housemate for the last 8 years now. I couldn’t tell you how this has happened but he cooks for me now. Like often. At least twice a week. He has completely transformed the house over the last few years. He fixes things, cuts the grass in the garden, vacuums. It’s bloody great! Keep in mind, I do plenty for him too. Maybe it’s just starting to be reciprocated. Who knows. 

Tuesday July 14th 2026

 I’m on my way to taco 🌮 Tuesday with Mr.Richmond. For the life of me, I can’t remember what he’s called on this blog. I last saw him post surgery in May. He drove across London to visit me. He’s a good apple. One of his best compliments to me, was the fact that he could never lie to me. I believe him too. Even when he knows I would be disappointed, he still tells me what he’s been upto. 

Taco Tuesday is also part of the flow. As mentioned in previous entries, I told the core group (4 people) that I won’t be social calendar 📅 diary secretary. Since then, there has not been a single get together. Some have made more of an effort, some less so. I’m remaining in flow with no judgment. If it’s meant to be, it will be. 

So Taco 🌮 Tuesday. I sent the restaurant details to the 4 of them. Then one came back to me. I said pick a Tuesday. The suggested Tuesday worked for me. Before I knew it, he made the restaurant reservation too! You have no idea how nice it is when the admin is done. It’s a delight. 

The restaurant was on the 15th floor so nice views of London. After 8 rounds of taco’s we then strolled around this beautiful city. The final part was a proper old fashioned pub. Spain 🇪🇸 was winning and I’m so happy for them. Let them enjoy this time. 

Until we meet again….

I still need to explain how great my Brighton trip was 

The reality of life at the moment

I started writing on the evening to Tuesday July 7th and posting on the evening of Wednesday July 8th

​Well well, I’m back again. I’m sitting here on an annoying synthetic velvet sofa in the heat, typing on an iPhone with 6% battery while watching Normal People for the 10 millionth time. As for the sofa, my next one will be linen ideally or maybe cotton or wool. It won’t be sprayed with scotch guard or any toxins. I won’t care if it gets dirty.

Where the fuck have I been? Be warned, I’m in a super sweary mood. Every second word of this entry could be fuck. 

June was pretty good, I’m staying in my lane even though I fucking hate that stupid saying. I’ve been uber careful with my boundaries, mindful if I’ve giving too much and how I feel. When I’m with people, does the atmosphere and feeling feel reciprocal? This actually means I haven’t seen alot of friends. Over my growth in the last few months, I’ve outgrown the majority of ‘my people’. I know this sounds weird and odd. Also thank fuck they don’t read this blog!

Now I still love them, I’m grateful for them, I care for them, I’ll be there for them etc. it’s just that they don’t actually fill my cup anymore, some interactions even take from my cup. This is not fault of theres, I’m the one that’s changed. It’s like the typical break up line when one person, (normally the guy) says, it’s not you. It’s me. Well people, this time it’s me. 

In late May I had the surgery on my nose. It went well, it just took it out for me. This moved into June. But by the end of June I pretty much bounced back. 

For Glastonbury weekend (always the last weekend of June) I stayed in a Shepherds Hut in Wiltshire with one of my oldest UK friends. (I haven’t outgrown her. There are some key things in life. Big things that we both get / understand. We often never even talk about it. We just get it. We get each other). Part of the trip included visiting Stonehenge. It was fun and I found out that there are 4 days a year when you can touch the actual stones. I’m not totally sure why I want to touch the stones but I do! So i will. You can find me amongst a crowd on the autumn equinox at the stones. As I’m writing this I’m know that I drawn to old things, sacred traditions, old buildings, churches, ruins, Forrest, castles and the rest. 

A few hours later, free style typing with one hand while trying to not fall on the tube to work. Seriously not a fan of working in a concrete jungle. Due the heat, all the window blind shutters are closed. If I ruled the world I would make it illegal to withhold sun light from humans in the daytime. All this for air conditioning.

Let me see if I can get back on track.

I’ll probably dip in and out of 5 recent days when I was in Brighton. I seriously had the best days full of easy, and flow. 

This next part will flow. I promise. I saw lots of old friends. One of whom is a very tall faithful reader. We caught up briefly and he asked how I was. I think I gave him the option of how things really are vs the easy answer of good. Actually I probably didn’t even do that. I got straight to it. I do remember using the word bullshit a lot. Anyhow, this is something along the lines of what I said. 

I’m going great, wonderful and fabulous actually. There are still loads of things I’m working on but all in all, life is good. 

The family on the other hand is a bit of shit show. Also they are far, and they are very much indoctrinated in their ideology, mentality, thoughts etc. Trust me folks, they have no interest in my 2 cents and I finally have enough insight to not waste my time. (Hallelujah, Amen, let’s thank the Lord of the  Universe 😉)

My dad started his radiation cancer treatment this week. Last week my sister (who is not coping with her own plate) went to his medical appointment. He has kidney disease, prostate cancer, vascular dementia, and Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor said that my sister was needed at the appointment because the previous appointment in April was shit show. Oops! I forgot something. He also had a stroke in the last 40 years that none of us are aware of. This includes him, he can’t remember and the scans and tests can’t actually say exactly when. 

Long time readers know there is so much sadness and pain in my family. I am acutely aware of how tragic this is. This man, my dad, has done everything for us. His life has been hard. The relationship with his 3 kids is very fragmented, it’s the same as with his own siblings. He’s been divorced for donkeys years. He’s stubborn, fragile and set in his ways. He so easily could have had a stoke and nobody would have even noticed. He’s pretty much lived alone since I was 22 when I left his house. (Older posts will explain that I lived with him after my mom kicked me out at 16 - oh! More fun times). Back to my dad. My sister said last week, he needed help spelling my sister’s name. 5 letters. 

My brother who’s not even 40 has a heart arrhythmia. He was under investigation pre May cruise, and he was in severe pain in the cruise. He chose to not disclose this to any of us and told my mom only once he was back in Canada. He has almost not body fat, he goes to the gym, rock climbs, skates, runs etc. He has the strictest diet too. Like most things, I don’t know what his plans are. I just wish him well. 

My mom Is busy volunteering and planning her trips. She’s emptied her pockets and filled her diary. This year she will have done, 2 cruises and visited, India twice, Australia and the UK. Let’s not forget she was almost dying in January. I had a chat with her sister over the weekend. We are happy that she is happy, we just don’t get it. I met with one of my mom’s very close friends too this weekend. She thinks that maybe my mom’s near death experience had brought on all this travel. who knows?

And then we get to my sister. When I was doing the recap with the friend, I just said that she has been off of work with sever depression since April and it’s not good. On Monday night when I’m heading home after 5 fun filled days… I spoke to my mom. (Note to self - don’t do that again. Finish 5 fun days. Go to sleep with good memories. Deal with real life the next day). Anyhow, my mom said that within the last 2 days she had called the Canadian equivalent to the UK Samaritans. She called the suicide hotline. 

Let’s look at this rationally, calling the helpline is normally a cry for help. I think this is her case. It is also often the last call before someone makes a life ending decision. 

Diversion: I know a lot about suicide, there was my mother attempt, and then my 3 friends who I have spoken about on here. I also at one point wanted to be a Samaritans volunteer. I met with them on an open day. It’s such a noble calling but it dawned on me, it won’t bring Tim, Paul and Mark back. 

So…. On the call my mom said, I’m just for her (my sister) call so say “Bring me”. She is insinuating the Mental Health A&E / ER. The thing is, it doesn’t always work like that. 5 to 6 people die per hour in North America and Europe by taking their own life. I’m sorry to bring the tone sooo low but I think my mom is only looking at this from one side. 

She (my mom) then went on to say that social services are filled to capacity and the waitlist for intense treatment is years. When I asked about paying privately it was 10k and that was immediately discarded. I’m just miffed. I was reminded once more that I shouldn’t call my sister and that she can’t “handle it”.

She (sister) did call me a few weeks when she was having an anxiety panic attack. In 17 minutes I was able to make her feel better, by reminding her that she’s the one that has the power. She can leave my parents to fend for themselves. If you can’t take care of yourself it’s very difficult taking care of others. 

The next day (yesterday) I spoke with my brother to get the low down. He lectured me but I’ll get to that. The treatment center was researched by my sister who then told my mom. My mom then told my brother. No info about the name, details etc was disclosed. Bro then explained that the night before my sister spoke to her therapist online and he gave her suggestions. When I asked my brother what the suggestions were, he said he wasn’t going to tell me. So that it’s, my fucked up family continue to play games of sharing only some things with some people, some of the time. He then lectured me on my tone, his masters degree in marketing makes him an expert. Keep in mind, I wasn’t talking to my sister. I was just asking what’s going on. 

So to maintain the goodness in my life, I have to spend my units wisely. (Tyler Durden in Fight Club explains energy as units - great film. Go watch it).

My family are so tangled in their weave of trauma bonds that the only thing I can do is to pray for them and live my best life. 

If my sister called me, so I take the call? I really can’t handle having the last call with her before she’s gone forever. 

I spoke to Mark 3 days before he died, I also spoke to him 2 weeks before when I asked him if he was going to do it. It Marks case, the meds were increased which is a major contributing factor. 

Oh! And as I was waking into the wood land park where I writing ✍️ now (work day is over). I saw a robin. I see Robin’s all the time. That’s always Mark. (Side note: Tara Swart’s book The Signs is very good)

Do I message my family text group and let my sister know that I’m not calling because I’ve been told not to. If I did that, does that make it about me. Maybe 🤔 

Let’s talk about other things. Over the last few days I started drinking again. I don’t drink for a year. I’ve never had an alcohol problem and if I’ve ever had a bad day, I purposely won’t drink. I’ll also almost never drink alone. I’ve made sooo many rules but that’s also what happens when you have had 3 family members die of alcoholism. 

Drinking is fun when you’re with good people. Ice is good too! Did you know that I only have ice with alcohol, no other drink. 

At work today I left the concrete jungle for lunch. Sadly I had 2 very very very creepy brown men stare at me. I don’t even know how to describe it. It was not flirting, it was creepy and threatening. Thank God it was day light and there were lots of people around. No woman should have to justify her clothing but I will. I was wearing a sleeveless dress that goes to my knees and the neck line was a V neck but high. I was blessed with a rack so wearing any bra means I’ll have cleavage. I was soo upset. I ranted to one of you fabulous readers on a voice message and spoke to 2 colleges in the office. 1 was a a girl who’s my shade and told her to be vigilant, the other was just a manager to vent. He was very sorry for me, he could emphasise but has no idea what it feels like. 

Think I’ll press send on this one and start writing more about last weekend.