If someone / god / universe were to ask me if I could have anything right now, guess what it would be?
Not millions, not a husband, not children (which I desperately want), not a homes is multiple locations.
It would be a healthy, calm, regulated nervous system.
Yes I want all those other things too but my first wish is for my nervous system. Unless you know what dysregulation is, you may not understand what I’m taking about. Or me to be frank.
Let’s start with life recently. I’ve been very stressed and I haven’t dealt with it that well. Though I have dealt with it.
I’ve been up at all hours and take a nap during my lunch break. Up at 2am, and all sorts of bizarre times.
The housemate was not impressed with my 4am bath the other day. I tried ti be quiet but I suppose in a house that was built in 1897, you can hear the plumbing.
I’ve also been soothing myself with the adult pacifier, this is known as scrolling on instagram and watching YouTube. Amongst this bad habit, I have enough awareness to choose the lesser of the online evils. I mostly watch reels of couples fixing up homes in their own as well as gardeners who clean up neighbourhoods. I think I’ve been numbing to fear / overwhelm and disappointment.
So life has been giving me a load of lemons, then in the last few days I’ve received some sugar. Now it’s time to make some lemonade.
There was an ongoing work drama that’s lasted 3 months, finally this week I got resolution that it’s all done and dusted.
Then my health has been wild and I’ve had a trillion appointments whilst waiting for the important one, gastroenterology. When I asked to see someone in May, the appointment I got was for February 2027. (The NHS is on its knees)! My digestion stuff is painful and annoying. I’ve spoken to the GP about getting a specific test privately, but even then, he can’t prescribe the medication. So I just have to wait. Well this week, I also got a call that they can see me in early September! Way better that February.
Can you see the sugar that’s come recently.
I’ve also been stressed with my NYC trip. This is annoying too because I bloody know better. I’m the one reminding friends that you don’t have to keep up with the Jones. Just do you, live your life, do what makes you happy. The end
I seem to have had a brain fart and forgotten all of this. I’ve spent hours having internal debates on should I book 10 thousand things and fill every free second of my trip to then report back to the Joneses that I saw it all. This would also result in me being very ill afterwards. On top of that, I have been known to judge other people’s holidays on how busy they have been. I’ve actually thought it was quite sad and did they even have a minute to absorb. I don’t like travelling like that. I won’t travel like that. It’s also the final reason of why I travel on my own, I don’t have the energy or strength to take other people’s considerations. I’ve spent my whole life taking care of other people. Nobody’s taken care of me. Now it’s high time that I do that for myself.
The final conclusion on NYC planning is simple. 1 set appointment at the jewellers, 1 brunch, 3 day tickets to hop on and off the bus, 1 cruise. Oh and let’s not forget the main purpose of this trip, a concert to see The Red Clay Strays. The rest of the trip I will just wing, and the beauty of my life and this existence is that I can come back to NYC whenever I want.
Let’s circle back to this shit show of dysregulation. In a few words. I’m fucked!
Even though I had finished packing 2 full dates before the trip I didn’t sleep. (I should even sleep now on this flight ✈️ but I’m talking to you).
Housemate had to have a very early start for his job so he was leaving the house at 5:20 am. This was ideal timing for me as he could drop me off at the tube, and it’s just a single tube to the airport.
As I walk down the short drive to the road, I notice that the main bin has gone missing. We have 3, garden waste, recycling ♻️, and the main bin for waste. I’m running late (or that’s what I tell me head) so I very quickly walked up and down about 2 houses in each direction to see if I can find the bin. I bought these snazzy customised stickers on Amazon that have the name of my road and door number. It’s very easy to spot my bin.
I tell housemate and now he’s looking for it, not ideal when I have a plane to catch. The entire short car journey conversation is about the bin. Please tell me that there is some sort of metaphor to this story. I tell him that I’m going to message the street WhatsApp group to see if they have seen it and also ask them to check their door bell cameras for suspicious behaviour.
Now my seriously fucked screwed up brain thinks that a crime has taken place. I shit you not, I’m not joking. In my head, my bin has been stolen in the night and is being used for a crime. Bodies have been cut up and are being disposed. I’m also panicked my finger prints are on the bin and you can’t deny it’s mine due to the stickers. Fucked brain then jumps to the fact that I’ll do an online police incident with the Metropolitan Police Service. I then panic and wonder if I can successfully do this in New York with phone location settings etc.
If anyone is offering a brain transplant, I would like one.
Fast forward 3 hours and I’m having a breakfast after I passed security. The streets WhatsApp has seen the message, and here is the reply:
Just down past my house
It happens they just pop them wear ever
It’s outside yours now.
And that’s it. Done. Bin found. My brain is still scrambled but I don’t have to worry about my fingerprints and a murder. If you are into these types to things. I highly recommend the show called The Cleaning Lady.
Ok, I’m on a roll. Let’s talk about more drama. If seems my mother has found me on instagram and is following my posts. I follow this 80’s account that makes me very nostalgic, not only is it 80’s but it’s the 80’s in North America which differs from 80’s UK. The post is about this doll called Cabbage Patch Kids. It’s a doll with a big head, and it’s special because when you get one, you get the adoption / birth certificate with it. I don’t know why the doll or the certificate is so important but it was. Maybe it was heavy marketing. We also can’t forget that I was raised by a television. 📺 Well behaved children in my home got ignored.
Ok, so the post. I re posted this post and added some text at the top. It was something along the lines of “Oh more trauma when your childhood has been binned.” I it was something like that.
My moms text to me:
Hi , your cabbage patch was not binned. I’m sure it’s in one of the boxes in my garage.
My response:
One day I’ll have the means to ship all of my belongings and see then. Your other children were ruthless with my possessions. The lack of care is a constant in my life.
There is no point in ever discussing my past. I still actively work on healing
She gave me a thumbs up.
Let’s move onto other things. I’m actually depressing myself and that’s not the point of this blog.
So Mr.Richmond is friends with a British Airways pilot. From time to time, he will reach out to pilot friend and get an upgrade.
Now dear readers. I’ve been wanting / manifesting an upgrade for eternity. Every time I check in at the desk I ask in a lighthearted way, never pushy etc.
Last night I asked Mr.Richmond if he had any luck with his friend and he explained on this circumstance he couldn’t ask. He had already asked for himself very recently. So that was that. It’s the classic “I would if I could, but I can’t so I won’t.” Honestly it’s fine, Mr. Richmond shows me love in other ways. He always feeds me and food is love.
Now into airports and flying. Can we bring back the 80’s where flying is a real thing and you wear your Sunday best. When did this casual garb become such a thing. Shorts and flip flops. Are you serious?
I’m fully emerged in my dresses phase, I bought 3 on the day I sorted out my iPhone. I was going to tell you about the dresses but never got around to it.
Here are the 3 dresses all from Nobody’s Child.
I’m chose to wear the gingham and black one for my flight ✈️. Along with a dupe of Pedro Garcia’s slip on moccasins. Oh how I want the real thing. Nonetheless, the universe found me a super comfortable pair from M&S. To recap. I look the part, hair, makeup, dress, cool shoes.
Now Brits need an ESTA to enter the USA while Canadians don’t. I’m a smart cookie when it comes to these matters (if only I could be smart with all matters like missing bins). So to save the agro and time, I leave the UK as a Canadian. Last night when I was doing my check in I got a message that my passport would need to be checked, I was still able to check in my seat 30. So this morning when I was checking in, I needed human assistance. I mention this as you can do almost all parts without a person. (Sad times).
After simply explaining the situation the BA lady asked me to remain where I was, and she would be right back. She proceeded to the computer with my Canadian passport. She returned with a printed boarding pass placed in my passport.
Recollecting from check in instructions the night before, I’m boarding group 6. AKA, the back of the plane.
I’m sitting at checkin watching the number go by, once they called group 5, I thought, fuck it. Five Six, it’s the same thing, the’ll let me on. I approach the lady and show her my passport and boarding pass. I open it so that it’s visible to her. I never once looked at it.
The first things she says is, oh we’ve met! And I say really 🤔 Oh (and I smile). (Guys! My last flight was in May, I don’t remember her). She then proceeds to say, you’ve been upgraded.
Hello! What! WTF! (That’s a good WTF incase you didn’t know). All of this was said silently in my head. The only thing I said to her was thank you.
(Folks, don’t forget it’s the attitude of gratitude) She then directs to a queue of passengers and I make my merry way to the flight. It’s now at this point that I decide to look at my printed boarding pass. Guess what! Seat 20A window, Group 3. Something very wonderful happened in the last 24 hours.
Ok, let’s talk about real manifestation, how does it really work, what do the experts say about it etc. What does the film The Secret say etc.
Are you ready for the magic answer…. Well they all say exactly the same thing. You need to feel like you have already received it. You need to live, actually live in the way you want your future to look like. It’s not about dreaming, it’s about feeling it, living it.
So the entire time I’m at the airport, I’m carrying myself like an important person. Like a person who doesn’t fly economy. I also went to look at pretty diamonds.
Can we take a diamond pause. When did diamonds become my best friend? I must have been very little and I’m guessing it’s the sparkle. I have always loved jewellery and I only ever feel naked when I’m not wearing jewellery. I need and want all of it. Ear’s, wrist and neck. All of this needs 18ct gold as a basic and diamonds if possible.
I can’t remember if I mentioned this is the May posts, but I’m wearing my dowery in my ears. They are absolutely stunning and I love them. My earrings have elevated my face, my mood, my look and they make me sooo happy!
So folks, tomorrow at 10am I have an appointment at the Cartier Mansion on 5th avenue to look at getting the necklace to match my earrings. I can’t not wait, I’ll be wearing my new green frock. (See images above for a reminder).
I’m really hoping to write ✍️ blog daily, and I’m also hoping for improvements in my brains reactions to events around me.
Before I sign off, here is another thing that I need to work on. Firstly I need to stop thinking that I’m being judged all the time, secondly even if I am being judged, I need to not fucking care.
Let’s move onto pasta… there is relevance to this story. Now I grew up in an Italian neighbourhood which means there are a whole lot of Italians about. This also means that the local grocery stores had a huge selection of pastes. I’m itching right now to list the names of different pasta shapes that I know, but I’m going to resist and you’re going to believe me.
Side detour - I don’t like being dumb, I don’t like not knowing the definition of a word, or not knowing what something is. Moments pass me everyday, depending on where I am or who I’m with will establish the outcome. If I’m on my own and my phone or computer are near, I’ll google the word. If I feel very safe with you, I’ll say, I don’t know what that word is, please explain. Sometimes I’ll totally get the gist of the word and want to hear it in different sentences. If I’ve ever been with you and asked this, again this deeply means I feel safe with you. I don’t feel judged.
Here is my menu. Yes you heard that right! I got a menu. Folks I know I sound like I’ve never been on a plane before. Trust me I have, I’ve been flying since I was 3 months old. I’ve just never had an upgrade. (Saying that I flew business class to Athens but on smaller planes with shorter flight times, you almost can’t tell. Plus no main meal)
Ok the menu.
As the waiter / flight attendant came to me, I asked, what is: cappellaccio. My guess was it was a pasta or a meat.
Unfortunately the waiter didn’t get to answer, the lady next to me did. Now she’s posh. I actually don’t care about that, I’m way more fussed in with the tone of her voice. It was that “oh how funny that you don’t know this. Oh you peasant child” - That’s what my nervous system felt. Uber amounts of judgement. You know what’s sad, I LET this lady make me feel small, inferior and not worthy. Guys!!! I know better. I know that she is nobody in my life. She has no significance to my existence, to my wellbeing, to my future, to anything at all. She doesn’t even have the ability to say the basic hi.
Guess what folks. When you sit down on any seat in a plane you always say hello. This applies even if you want to sleep the entire time, you say hello.
Obviously as I’m writing this, I’m good again. Everything is ok. But for the last 3 hours when I was sitting in shame my body was not good. I physically can no longer hold any stress or big emotions, I have to run to the loo. I went 3 times. Sorry about this extra info, but this is life right now. Additionally going back to the NHS appointment in September, I may have SIBO small intestinal bacterial overgrowth! (Oh sexy!)
I’m happy, scared and excited about this solo holiday. It’s been a long while since I’ve done something like this where I don’t know anyone. It’s just me. Many of my previous trips have been retreats where you meet others or the Camino in 2024 where you really meet loads. I think that last trip was my 2 day Cunard cruise in May 2025.
