The way it is according to moi

Started on Saturday night  Listening to AM by Artic Monkeys. Alex Turners voice never gets old.  Location: Bed with my trusty hot water bottle. I’m not on, I just like my hot water bottle.  Okay okay… I’ll start now.  Guys! What the fuck! This day! This life. Seriously  I mean seriously! So coach Renee has been soo patient with me when it comes to a solid path and direction and I take a million years to get there. I’m always meandering down the garden path and not the road to where I need to and want to be.  I’m far from doing this properly but I’m making strides.  On Friday I left her a message about all these crazy uncanny wild coincidences. They were coming in thick and fast (my head has gone into the gutter. I will retrieve it fast). I would see a book and then someone would mention it. I would think of something and then it’s in a podcast. The day was filled with loads of stuff. This was her reply to me: Do you recall me telling you once you prior...

This won’t be the longest entry but I need to plan a funeral for Hope.   Hope is not a person, and parts of hope will live on forever in me. But all or any hope I’ve ever had for a mother, who can mother is dead. It’s been dead and cold for a long long time. I’ve just been dancing with a corpse (Hope) for twenty years too long.  Homeopath Maggie said something today that was so profound today. There is no space or room for me to be in a healthy loving relationship because I’m still in a relationship of hoping my mom will change.  So now I want to plan a funeral for Hope. I’m serious and genuine. Think about kids who have funerals for goldfish and use a matchbox for a coffin. ⚰️ That’s my aim.  You know what else, maybe I’ll even go to a church or a cathedral on Sunday. Let’s go big and dramatic. I would offer to wear one of my many sexy black dresses but I’m still 2 stone overweight. At least 30lbs. I could wear a bin bag but now I’m being overdramatic and cruel to m...

Other title options for today were: Am I the bad guy? Blood is thicker than water - BS Action Speak Louder than words.  Soundtrack: I’m your puppet. Duet version with Paul Young and Elton John. 1993 (there is a story behind this) It’s Tuesday and I’m on the bus, I’m going to tray and recap things from the middle of the night on Sunday.  I woke up suddenly in what would be described as a cold sweat but I never sweat and I’m always cold. It’s now week 2 of 2 where my mother is in England and I’m not seeing her. The reasons are long. Read this blog. I then panicked and thought, am I being cruel, what will the extended family say, what is she telling them when they ask why she’s not with me. I was spiralling out when I thought maybe I need to cut off my aunts who I like, some of them even love me.    Lots of feelings pouring in, also the fact that people generally just talk about the good stuff. Not parents that don’t hit the mark.  I then decided that I needed reas...