ADD / ADHD Continued

 Hi all,

This is more of a continuation on my previous post. 

My mind is still blown. 

I’ll see the GP next week to discuss the referral with the mental health team for a confirmed diagnosis for ADD / ADHD. Just writing that sentence was HARD. Very, very hard. 

For so long, the traits that I have lived with, I presumed were just my personality. It’s the things that make me who I am. As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been called Marmite before. You either love me or hate me. 

Now in hindsight, maybe this was just the annoying ADHD traits. 

I know I have the worst habit of cutting people off. I try so fucking hard, I look for a pause, a break, a place to appropriately interpret. Then there is the terrible moment when the person speaking has moved onto another topic. By this point, I’ll probably say sorry, I have a quick question. 

I have learned a lot over the years to best manage me, now I know it’s a condition. Regardless, If I’m ever in a training environment, I always ask at the beginning if they want questions to be answered at the end or interrupt the speaker. I’m sure you can guess what my preference is. 

I also hate, hate, hate talking to a group on MS Teams or Zoom if they have their cameras off. It’s hard enough interrupting when I can see them. It’s so much worse when I can’t. I’ve been noticing recently how their voice and tone change. They are clearly pissed off. This happens with one of my aunts all the time. She’s almost always annoyed with me. 

I have lots of decisions that I need to think about, make, change etc. 

Do I forgive people’s bad behaviour, them being cross with me, they don’t know that my brain is legit on another planet. Do I let them know of my newfound superpower / neurodivergent brain. 

Or…

Do I just avoid these people from now on, and I just seem to aggravate them, and it’s best for both parties. 

Decisions. 

The next thing on my list is to carry on learning about all of this. 

I’ve been reading the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. 

I read articles, listen to podcasts and Zoom discussions, etc. 

A few weeks ago, when Gabor was in London discussing the latest book on trauma, I queued for an hour to have my book signed. Whilst in the queue, I ended up talking to a lady who was my age and diagnosed 2 years ago. She said that knowing was life-changing and a real trip. She’s right! 

Peace ✌️ out

Me x

Dyslexia & ADD or ADHD

There was a full moon a few hours ago so why not jump on here and tell you what’s new. 

Today has been HARD. In February of this year whilst working with my academic mentor on my dissertation for the honours top up degree, she suggested that I explore a dyslexia assessment with the university. 

That evening I completed an online pre assessment. The result was immediate and said that I was highly likely to be dyslexic. Due to graduating within 5 months of the assessment, the university could not pay for formal assessment. 

My government employer won’t pay for it either (I’m still challenging this), so I have explored a private assessment. 

Since February I have made loads of calls to check out costs and how it all works. A few months ago I spent an hour talking to a lovely lady. In that conversation she asked if I have ever been assessed for attention deficit disorder (ADD) and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I immediately, replied with. NO! Do you think I have it? I’m sure that I sounded like I was asking if I had some sort of virus. She gently said that I may and it’s worth exploring. So be seen by her was going to cost £750. That’s a shit load of money for me. 

From there I explored other people in London who could help with an assessment. I found a lady who could only see me today, October 10th. 

Here we are, a few hours later. 

From February to now I have had to come to terms with a lot, this includes going back through my past and questioning 🤨 EVERYTHING. 

What about all of the times that I have been bullied and that has been constantly throughout my life. Was it my brain? Is that’s who things have been so hard? Why didn’t anyone pay attention to me? I actually had 2 parents. I went to normal schools, one was even private. Shouldn’t tuition mean they should give a shit. 

I was keeping the possible ADHD stuff on the low. Not saying a word, god forbid the 🏷️ labelled kid gets another label. 

2 nights ago I was talking to my dad (77) and brother on FaceTime. They were in the same room together. My brother was shouting at my dad saying that he has ADHD, he’s hitting all the marks on articles found online. I said nothing on this call. The shouting in my family drains me, it’s why I almost don’t talk to any of them. All I did do, was think to myself. Give the poor guy a break. His brain 🧠 doesn’t work the same way. 

The next night, (last night) a girl from the TV show, married at first sight was posting on instagram about getting diagnosed with ADHD. The way she explained it, didn’t sound so scary. It was then that I decided to not keep this a secret. 
I did a little more reading on the eve of my assessment. The most relevant part of my findings that evening, is that ADD and ADHD is more often than not, passed down, Hereditary.

The assessment:

Guys! It was long. Tough and long. The tough part was the emotional side, me questioning myself and trying to constantly remember that this lady is not judging me. She is being paid by me to help me. In case you are wondering, I’m doing all of this for the paperwork. Anything to avoid further bulling. 

Each question, scenario starts off easy and progressively gets harder. 

There was a section with shapes where I had to use tile pieces to make a shape that was shown to me. Is started off easy and then I got stuck. I was timed and I couldn’t get it. I told her I didn’t know and she totally fine with that. 

Amongst the 6 billion things happening in my head, I was also asking myself. Did I not have enough Lego growing up, did I not play with it enough. Was anyone else playing with me? Was I neglected?

Then there was a section with words and vocabulary. My god! There were so many words that I couldn’t spell nor did I know what they meant. 

At the end of that section I said to her, “ Listen, my parents are immigrants. English is not their first language, they have never used an extensive vocabulary.” Again guys, remember this lady is not judging me. It’s me. I always feel under the spotlight and that I’m underperforming as a human. I’m never good enough. 

Now I must want for 2 weeks to get the report. ADD & ADHD can only be formally diagnosed by the NHS mental health team so this month I will see my GP to get a referral.