Honestly, I don’t know about you, but lockdown quarantine has been soooo slow and super intense at the same time. There are moments when I feel like I’ve just come out of a 24-hour therapy session. So much is coming up.
I’m still (always and forever) expanding my mind by listening to podcasts and visiting territories that NEED to be visited. These are often mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically.
It's occurring to me that I have almost never felt pretty / beautiful / attractive. Beauty does come from within, however there is no harm in feeling that on the outside to. Internally I know that I have so much to offer so that remains the same. This does not worry me. What I want to work on is how I feel about my external body. My soul feels ok. My parents love me, they are good people. However, I never grew up being told that I’m pretty, beautiful attractive.
Scrubbing up well, and having boys want to sleep with me doesn’t actually count.
I need to feel better about me. The minute quarantine started the first thing that popped into my head was Bette Midler in 80’s workout clothing. The movie is a 1986 classic called Ruthless People. I was soooo young when this came out and I honestly have no idea why I remember this, but this is what I remember. A lady (Bette) being held captive in a basement with an old TV (maybe with a VCR) watching exercise videos. She loses weight and gets fit! I’m thinking, I can do this. I should do this.
Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome does make somethings tricky and life is a balance of pacing however that applies to EVERYONE so it's just something that WE ALL need to master. I love walking and hiking; it's brings me joy and doesn’t feel like exercising. The issue with lockdown in London is that it's full of idiots that walk soooo close to you. The parks are fab, but they are packed. So! I Need to find things that I like doing at home. I might have mentioned this before, but I bought a mini trampoline a few years ago. It's good and I do like it BUT I hate the sound of the squeaky springs. I know I sound like such a snob, but I can’t help myself. It's too noisy. When I’m jumping, I want to watch TV, listen to a podcast, the radio, and audio book. You get the point. So, 2 weeks ago when I really felt down and out, I indulged and ordered the same rebounder that Victoria Beckham has. The FIT BOUNCE PRO REBOUNDER II has bungees instead of springs. For the record, I’m not that vain (or am I) I’ve been looking at a bungee rebounder for ages and I can’t wait for this to arrive mid-May. I’ve already set up a YouTube playlist of rebounder videos. Another reason why I can’t wait to rebound is that it's low impact, burns calories and there have been studies about it's effect on the lymphatic system and releasing toxins in the body. Watch this space girls and boys. Just watch.
Growth is the best way I could explain this. I was listening to a podcast this week and the host was talking about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I never really spent that much time thinking of the 2. They are both so different and it’s totally possible to do one, without the other. Previously I always thought about the saving, forgive and forget. I didn’t want to forget as I’ve learned so much from different experiences in my life. Historically, I’ve given so much to some friendships and have been completely burned. So! NOW my heart and my head have fully forgiven some shitheads. AND I’m totally ok with not reconciling some friendships! Whoop whoop!
I’m thinking that I’m rocking this one.
This is unprecedented times, and it is totally ok to feel a bit shit sometimes. A big mental download was its ok to feel sad when I realised that I have never gone this long without physical touch from a human or an animal. Single folks out there with a pet, are still getting that touch ‘fix’ that we all need as humans. To be clear too when I’m talking about touch. I’m not just thinking about intimacy, I’m including, hugs, handshakes, walking arm in arm with my peeps. I can’t wait to touch people again and I know that I will one day soon. I also know that I have not given up AT ALL in finding that one person that I’ll be able to touch ALOT! (hehehe)
I’m going to wrap this entry up. The next one will be about all the amazing people that I popped back in my life and old friends that are making the effort to keep intouch. Maybe it's my most favourite part of the coronavirus pandemic.