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I am a Canadian who has been living in London UK for the last 14 years!! How did that happen?

Friday, 25 November 2016

Oops that took a while

Hello people,

It's been a while a long ol' while.

Well today I finally got some news and it was good.

I'm got a new job whoop whoop! It's only taken 3 whole years! Of could I could have looked externally but there is something about security, long service and a good pension. I'm staying put and will join a new department. Same money too but I'll be happier! I'll do everything in my power to be happier. I promise myself that. I promise you too.

How are you all?

I can tell you I'm ecstatic that 2016 is almost over. I don't want to jump the gun nor do I want some bad shit to happen in the remainder of 2016 but it's been tough. Really tough.

There has been quite a few stories here and there. My goal, my aim and want is to live a live drama free. I do struggle though when shit happens around me or in the world.

Let's rewind a bit. I was seriously messed up when Jo Cox was murdered. Democracy is a beautiful amazing thing. Express yourself that way. Don't go killing people.

When the nightclub shooting happened in Florida I called brat face (the bro - (gay but that shouldn't matter)) crying my eyes out saying 'why do they want to hurt you! Nothing is wrong with you!'

I love my bro and sis and everyone. I just want everyone to stop hurting eachother.

Anyhow. I'll end this very very late entry and say that I hope to do better with blogging. I enjoy sharing my thoughts with you and the ether.

Peace out peeps
Be good to each other.

I've leave you with an amazing entry from a Leonard Cohen interview in the 60's and the song of the year. Or better know as my song of the year.

Leonard Cohen 1967 CBC interview

Interviewer: A lot of your poems have to do with love. Or what do you think about love? Do you have a kind of an impression of what love is? A kind of definition?

Leonard Cohen: Well, I like to be taught. You know, that's I think that's what I want everybody to do, is to teach me about that. You know, I think that when you meet a person, at any moment you want to be taught about love because there's so much evidence to the contrary. We have the word it's in the air you know, but there's so much evidence to the contrary. You look around you look at the lack of generosity. In yourself. You know, the things you are unwilling to concede that the many ways that you can't love. So that, I'm continually looking for someone to tell me about it. And I try to provoke that exchange by perhaps writing a poem that says you know like, "where are you Judy where are you Anne?" You know, tell me.

Show me love.

The final part of this entry is thanks to my boyfriend Shaun W Keaveny on BBC 6 Music. If you haven't already been listening to him you should. He cracks me up and sends good tunes my way.

He introduced me to the house martins and the caravan of love. Beautiful song. Listen and enjoy.

Oh and incase I haven't mentioned already. I'm going to Glastonbury for the 5th consecutive year in a year. I rock and I'm luck as fuck.

Love love love

Sunday, 17 January 2016

Suck it up Buttercup

Hello All,

Suck it up Buttercup is going to be my self-motto of 2016!

I am going to make a real conscious push to not complain. Of course all my complaints are 100% justified and valid however I’m going to try really hard and just not complain. I can hear some of you already laughing at me.

I made a whole lot of decisions towards the end of 2015, that I wanted to implement in 2016. I suppose you can also call them goals.

One of the really, really big ones is to get out of debt for good and live within my means. This means not purchasing anything at all on credit. I have to have the money or else I just can’t have it. Additionally while I have to live with what I have, I need to pay for all the things that I already have, that includes the credit cards. Now I am a lucky ducky and have ‘shit hot’ credit so the banks are always offering me the best of everything. I’m in a very privileged position to say that I’ll be paying this all off at 0% yippee!!! I did a balance transfer in November, which has prepped me for my 2016/2017 plans. It might take a while but I’m on board.

I have wanted to sort this out forever but just never got around to it. Who likes those people that are all talk and no action. Not me! but that’s how I was behaving.

So how did I make this 360 degree change, you ask? It was this crazy American guy called Dave Ramsey. I’ve been listing to his podcast daily and watching a whole lot of Americans on Youtube. He talks about zero balance budgeting. Every dollar/pound that comes into your account needs to have a place to go. It needs to be allocated. He also talks about the cash envelope system, which is something else that I’m doing. I’m not going to write much on this as all you have to do is Google Dave Ramsey and his baby steps. I’m on baby step 2! I’m going to have to cut back on holidays, shopping etc. (Warning: I would like to say personally there are moments I find it difficult listening to him. He’s really religious, gun loving, anti Obama redneck. If we ever met it real life it would not go down well. None the less, his opinion on money is interesting a worth a listen)

Lucky for me I have a few exciting things lined up that I purchased in 2015 for events in 2016. This year I will be gong to Glastonbury for the 4th year on the trott! I can’t wait!!! I also managed to bag tickets to see Adele, Coldplay and The Maccabees this year. Puls I have one big holiday in March. It’s not a place that I have ever had on my list, its not really my bag… but I’m going to Las Vegas to get hitched! No not really… It’s my moms 60th birthday and of all the million places in this great world of ours, she wants to go to Vegas. So being the worlds best child ever, I’ll tag along. My brother and sister will also be there with a few of my moms closest friends who are willing to indulge in these shenanigans. I think I might have mentioned this before but I’m not very British when it comes to drinking with my family. I absolutely hate being around my folks when they drink, they rarely get drunk but its not fun. Who knows how I’m going to survive this trip but wish me luck. I’ll be in Vegas over Easter.

After the above list of fun things, I have nothing else lined up at all. I’ve heard this term that makes me laugh but will also be very relevant to me. It’s called ‘The Summer of Suck’. I’m going to have to find fun entertaining things to do that cost almost nothing. No trips abroad, camping weekends maybe?

Oooh I have found a new pastime activity that I like. I’m upcycling furniture and making things. You should all check out Annie Sloan. She’s British but way more popular in the US. Her thing is chalk paint. Last weekend I painted 2 old IKEA kitchen stools and then waxed them one night this week. I’m pretty good at painting and have painted almost every room in this house. While on the topic of houses, this last November, house and I celebrated 10 years together! Can you believe it! I’ve been a homeowner for 10 years!! Kinda cool don’t ya think. There is still so much to do when you have a home that is 119 years old! Its time I get a new kitchen but… I’m sticking to the plan. Finish the baby steps and then see what money is left, I would also like to pay off my mortgage by the time I’m 45. I have no idea how I’ll find that extra money but I’ll try.

In the past I have spoken about aging but thought I would say a little more about that. I like aging. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it. I’m so much more resilient about so many things and I’ve learned so much over the years. People occasionally still manage to hurt me but less and less so. I have also learned to live with different kinds of relationships. Long gone are the best friends. I might use the word out of habit but I don’t have best friends anymore, they are all busy doing their own thing. Some of them call me from time to time. Some of them make the effort to see me, some don’t. Either way… its ok. I’ve made a life of my own. I so rarely get board these days, I enjoy my own company so much. I’m growing into me, life just fits better. There is no change in actually knowing what my bright future holds but its bright. I don’t know what will be… but it will be.

The same things that make my world go round from the beginning remain. Love & Music… that’s it, that’s all.

I know a few people that don’t listen to music very often at all, almost never. They listen to BBC 4 and that’s about it. They both have very good jobs (doctor and teacher) but I don’t understand how they do it. Not a day goes by where I’m not listening to something or another. This brings me to the very sad death of David Bowie. I was sitting at my desk at work 7am when it was announced on BBC6 Music that the musical creative ledged David Bowie had died. World wide reactions might be dramatic for some of you, but music is such a powerful visceral thing. Bowie songs is / was the soundtrack of our lives. How can you not hear a song and be brought back to the time in your life when…..

I’m a massive movie fan so soundtracks to movies are very powerful for me. Only since David’s passing have I realized how I knew so many of his songs without knowing it was him, who sang it. I’ve seen Reality Bites and Pretty Woman so many times over the years, both have Bowie in the soundtrack. There are so many films that have his music.

Last thing before I go, the composer of the soundtrack for Hateful Eight was totally deserving of its Golden Globe award. So was Brie Larson for Room and Leo for The Revenant. (Yes folks, I’ve seen it all. If I’m not listening to music I’m in a theater watching a film)

Be good kids, I hope to not be so much of a stranger. Its one of my goals! If you get a chance listen to the Dave Ramsey podcast #7875 where he talks about goals

Laters peeps


Thursday, 15 October 2015

Nothing makes sense

I would like to start with nothing makes any sense to me. 

Everyday seems to be a bit of an opposite of the day before. 

There are days where my theme song is I am a rock by Paul Simon. Listen to the lyrics. I don't need anyone.... I'm an island.
Then the next day I'm all about Joe Cocker With a little help from my friends. (and for those music trivia buffs, I do know this song was a Beatles original. Joe did it better)

Now ladies and gents, the million dollar question is... Do I need friends or do they continue to hurt me. Or is it me letting them affect me. I'm still working on this. 

I have not really seen or spoken to A for over 2 months. It's sad and complicated.

Other friends have really turned up which has been really nice. Really, really nice. This now brings me onto the next topic. I've said it on this blog a gazillion times but I'll say it again. It's something I was told on the Camino and it's so true. 

There are only 2 kinds of people in life. Those that turn up, and those that don't. 

I have this friend J who I met in 2011. We hung out for a bit and got to know each other. Then in summer of 2013 his behaviour was really odd, weird and he wasn't very nice to me. I know I deserve better, he was toxic, so we stopped talking. Over a year later he called me out of the blue but I was far to poorly to deal with anyone. Let's not forget this was the stage where I had a uni dread and took a shower every 5+ days. I was too weak. 

Anyhow, in late September 2015 J was surfing in Australia where he had a stoke and was also in a coma. (He's out of the coma now and talking) After being in an Australian hospital for a few weeks he has been transferred back to the UK. He's been back in the UK for about 10 days and I went to see him last night. (We still have a load of mutual friends and acquaintances who informed me about what had happened)

Let me tell you that it wasn't an easy decision to go visit. I thought about it a great deal. I'm still pissed off about his behaviour towards me 2 years ago.  But I also know what it's like to be sick and alone. I know how bad hospitals can be. I know what weak feels like. These are the reasons that made me decide to go visit him. 

Story Detour: 2 nights ago I went to the pub with my housemate S (he's the other teacher. Not D who's also a teacher and lives with me) S heard the whole story and agreed that J behaviour was odd. Well now I'm drunk at the pub with S, I text J to see if he wants me to bring him anything tomorrow. I suggested a nice blanket. Hospital linen is soooo bad. J says a warm blanket would be good. Once home I look in my trunk of great blankets and picked a massive wool one. Natural fibres are the best.

Right! So now the actual visit, when I get to the hospital he has a huge beard. By the time the night was over my brutal honesty was in full fledge. I told him he looks like the Amish. He went bald in his 20's and with the beard at that length it's  funny.

When I arrived I gave him the wool blanket and said hello to the 3 other visitors he had. One of whom I know and the other 2 know a bunch of my other friends.  One of them made some chocolate moose, another went to the pharmacy to pick up some massage oil. I guess they were all trying do their bit. We all chatted and the list of visitors he has had came up, it's been quite long and impressive. Lots of nice folks that I know loosely.

Due to the stroke he is currently paralysed on his left side. There are still dong tests but intensive Physio is on the programme. I have no clinical knowledge nor do I really understand our brains etc. However... I feel that he will get back to where he needs to be. Fit, healthy and occasionally pissing people off. How's that for good ol'fashion Leena optimism. I can just feel that it's going to be ok. 

After the visitor friends left I was able to be myself more. It's funny how in my old age I'm not as comfortable in groups. I started tiding up and asking more important questions. One of which was why was he wearing these god awful green, thin pj's. He's not really sure where his blue pj's are but the rest of his clothing need a wash. 

Warning readers: this is the part where I inflate my ego and bitch about the world. Where the fuck are practical people. What the fuck has happened to common sense and helping your neighbour. Why does everyone only think about themselves, their kids and spouse. That's it, that's all. Why aren't all these smart kind visitors actually asking the right questions? Who's cleaning your flat, where's your missing passport? It's not in the envelope where you think it is. Are you cold at night? Should I bring you a blanket? Why don't I take your laundry home and wash it. 

Well folks! That's what I did. After over 2 years of not talking to this guy, there I was last night washing his clothes. I'll return them to him tomorrow.

I would also like to add that boys can be real pricks sometimes and it's totally good and necessary to call them an asshole when needed. I've called plenty of guys assholes in my time and they actually love me more. Really, go ask them. Once his friends left, I called him an asshole. I might have even called him a fucker too.

I would like to end this entry with the fact that I will always be a forever optimist. I know the world has some major issues going on but I still have hope that there are a few more people out there like me. (Preferably a hot male with a good sperm count)

So last week S (house mate) had a bag full of clothing that he was going to give to a local charity shop on the high street. I stopped him immediately and said,  'No, it's going to the Syrians.' S is totally cool and replied 'Sure but there are loads of ties in the bag too. Will they want it?'

My optimistic reply was, 'They are eventually going to get jobs and will need a tie for their interview'

The end
Peace out

Sunday, 16 August 2015

May, June & July

Its been a while!

I was going to recap month by month but it’s just a bit dull. So here are the highlights.

In May I found the most amazing Chinese doctor. I was seeing him weekly but I’m feeling so much better that I now go every 2 weeks and eventually I’ll see him less and less. For those of you that are skeptical of TCM Traditional Chinese Medicine, try it first. Yes acupuncture might not be that comfortable but I feel so much better. I end up having acupuncture, a massage and herbals teas if I need it. It’s making a massive difference.

I went back to my happy place. Glastonbury… my true love. There is really nothing in the world that is as amazing as Glastonbury. I can never say it enough; everyone must try and go, It’s so special.

A few days after that I went to Italy for 5 days to see Steph and the kids. At the time she was heavily pregnant, her daughter was born earlier this month. It was a good visit.

Early August was the one year since Mark died. I decided I didn’t want to be at work so I took the day off. It was a really sunny day and nice day. Since he’s died I really only think about the good stuff. His younger brother and I will meet up for dinner in early September. I will be the third time I’ve met him. At least this visit will be a bit more normal. The first time was at Mark’s funeral and the second was at Mark coroners’ inquest into his death.

Seeing I’ve just brought up Marks death this brings me to a suicide related event. A few weeks ago I accompanied a friend to a SOBS open day. SOBS stands for Survivors of Bereavement of suicide. The friend I went with lost her fiancé to suicide. We’ve known each other a long time so she was comfortable to ask me to come along for support. It was lovely but sooo strange. Imagine being in a room with about 80 people that have lost someone to suicide. Everyone had a colored badge on, each color represented if that person was a parent, partner, spouse, child, sibling or friend of someone that had taken their own life. It was heavy. I pray that none of you reading this ever have to go though such a horrible experience. The London group use to meet monthly and now they have to meet every 2 weeks as there are so many people coming. What’s happening to the world?

There was a presention done by Angela Samata. She made a documentary on the BBC in March 2015, its called Life after Suicide, its on youtube  I highly recommend it. Yes it’s not a happy topic but mental health affects us all. She interviews family members of the deceased. She herself lost her husband to suicide. At the end of the afternoon those who wanted to chat could meet up at the local pub. We were talking about a few things for a few minutes, she was sooo nice to me. She told me how I was a gorgeous wonderful person and hugged me. Humans just amaze me sometimes. She has been though so much and can still see the beauty in me and in life. Amazing, just amazing.

There was a lot of people there and I wish I could tell you their stories but I cant. I know you understand.

Oh and the most important thing I leaned was from the documentary itself. It was about the state of the persons mind when they choose to take their own life. It shed some light into Mark’s state of mind. There is this professor in Glasgow who has been doing work inthe field. Watch the documentary.

The above is the recap. I can’t believe that we are in the middle of august. I honestly don’t know where time has gone this summer.

Here is a little bit of the current. My dad’s brother died last week, I wrote the obit for my dad. I really am the best! No I’m not, but I wanted do something to help him and seeing I’m so far away it’s all I could do.

Lots of really nice things are happening these days. Small things but they all make a difference.

The other day I went to a department store to purchase a suitcase and finish the collection. I had the hand luggage and the largest suitcase but needed the middle one. Well I was really too late because the line has been discontinued. This nice girl checked the systems and managed to find me one in the middle of the country but they would send it to me free of change. On top of that it was on sale too!

The locks to my front door stopped working so I had to get the emergency locksmith out. An expensive day, trust me. While the locksmith was working on the door I was sitting on my stairs having a chat with him. I mentioned that I wanted to put up a picture but needed an extra set of hands. Just as he was about to leave he asked to see the picture and where I wanted it. He kindly put the picture up. I had no money on me but I offered to nip out and get cash or transfer some money to him. He declined both and said it was ok. How is nice is that. Its just soooo easy to be kind. I offered him tea and drinks as soon as he walked in. All the world needs is tea.

This now brings me all the way up to this weekend. Last night I went to a BBQ, somehow I was there for almost 12 hours. It was a bit slow to begin with and I was more or less ready to go after a few hours and then I didn’t. Let me explain, from as soon as I got there I was standing the whole time. I should have just sat down but the only people I knew were standing so my options were to sit alone like a loner or stand and talk to people.

The host of the BBQ works for Google. Google have a policy where they will match the amount of money raided for a charity so it was chairty BBQ to raise money for https://www.savetherhino.org

Anyhow, the host has been having annual BBQ’s for years now, sadly though I haven’t been able to make them for the last few years so the last time I went to her BBQ was 5 years ago. At first I was quite disappointed with how this BBQ was going. Everyone seemed be having a nice time but a lot had changed in 5 years. The crowd was older and everyone was just more or less talking to people they knew, it was very clicky. There wasn’t any real mingling. Its either that or none of them were drunk enough.

I suppose that I’m pleased about 2 things. The first was I finally sat down on the grass and felt so much better, that led to other great thing. I ended up talking to other people that were nearby. I then spent the rest of my night walking around looking for a spare seat and striking up a conversation with fascinating people. It was a great night. (Also my night bus journey was so smooth. The bus wasn’t full of drunks nor did it stink of puke)

I should really sign off but I’ve been trying to think of what else I’ve been doing for the last few months. It’s not the most exciting but its really rewarding. I have been sorting out loads of things of things at home. Every week now for weeks the recycling bin has been full. I’m throwing so much out. My bedroom is almost tidy! I called my mom the other day and said now that its really clean and organized what on earth am I going to do with all this time? She replied, find a man and have some babies. Thanks mom!

Last but not least, what have I been listening to?

Lots and lots of Tangentially Speaking by Chris Ryan. This is podcast that I highly recommended.  He has a series called TOMA talking out of my ass. Its true stories about his life, he really is someone that you want to bump into and just start talking to.

When I’m not listening to him and other podcasts such as The Moth I’m really loving everything that The Maccabees have ever done. Their 4th album was just released a few weeks ago. Its fantastic

Hope you are all well


Thursday, 2 April 2015


Hello Hello

So! Things at work and my health are kinda the same so we wont talk about that today.

We will talk about how it’s been such a nice day despite a death. Yes, someone died today. Alison’s grandmother was 2 weeks short of her 90th birthday and she died this morning. Very sad for Alison and the family. (The condolence card is in the post)

But let me tell you all about the nice people that made today so great. Adam, David and Jane.

Adam is work Adam, former manager and now just a good friend. Shame he lives at the other end of the country or else I would go visit him and his family more. I’ve been off sick since last Wednesday and made an appearance today. I sent Adam a longish email and he sent me a lovely reply. It’s always important to know that people care and that they are there for you. In life you don’t always need people to fix things, you just need kind people that care. Showing kindness is so easy. Thank you Adam xx

I also returned to work with lots of hello’s and emails inviting me to lunch. I must be a loud mouth because they all know when I haven’t been there for a few days. Prior to arriving at work I got a text from my colleague telling me that I should really go see Colonel Sanders and he can fix me. They all know I’m a vegetarian but think chicken is the answer.

The next person who made this day really good is David. Well David and his wife Julie. They are strangers, I have never met them, nor is it likely that I ever will.

Last Thursday while I was off sick and feeling shit I decided that I couldn’t eat chocolate any longer and it was time to visit the grocery store. So I’m in the parking lot of Tesco and as I’m swinging into a free parking spot I accidently crash into a blue Honda Civic. OH MY GOD!!! I so desperately wanted to get the hell out of there and fast. SERIOUSLY I WANTED TO RUN AWAY. I didn’t because its not the way I role. I’m a good moral-ish person that was raised by pretty great parents. Instead I fixed my mal parking attempt, got out of the car shaking, checked out the damage on the poor Honda and searched for some paper and a pen. My note was simple, I was sacred shitless and had no idea what to write. How about,  ‘Hey, I’m a fucking idiot. Sorry’ I opted for ‘Hi, I hit your car. I’m very sorry, please call me to sort 07***.

While in Tesco I needed comfort food and purchased some shortbread biscuits. Times like these are when you need all butter and calories don’t exist.

Now I knew that these people were going to call me soon but I was petrified. The call could go in so many directions. The possibilities are endless. Lucky for me Julie called, she and her husband were at the car and were wondering if I was still at Tesco. I explained that I wasn’t and that I was sorry etc. They needed my details which I texted and they replied with a the following. I was also explaining that I was going to the hospital later that day and might not answer. (I will blog hospital stuff soon)

‘No Worries Leena, these things happen, thank you for leaving the note, we appreciate it. Etc etc. ‘

How nice is that! In the proceeding days we both made calls to garages and I sourced a new Honda civic bumper that would arrive in 2 days. I opted to fix this situation by not going down the insurance route, need to save my no claims discount. I spoke to David a few times and sent emails etc. All correspondence has been great. I don’t know if our greatness was bouncing off each other but man, has this whole experience been so pleasant.

So today David texted me, to let me know that the repair was completed, and it was fine to call the Honda garage to pay for the labor costs. Once I did, I texted him “Thanks David, they are all paid up and I have emailed you the receipt for your records. Thanks Leena”

His final reply was part of my great day! He wrote, “Back home now. Thanks for your honesty and being proactive. You’ve restored my faith in human nature.”

How nice is that? Seriously! What a nice nice nice text. (David and Julie’s Thank you card is in the post) I’m not trying to be wet but I need them to know that they too have restored my faith in human nature. There was never an ounce of drama or raised voices etc.

Now for Jane. Jane is Met police officer. I’m very Canadian when it comes to my street, my  community and I am the coordinator for the Neighborhood Watch on my street. The Met email me and I then email the other residents on the road. Today the council were coming with the police to meet a few residents who were available to discuss the security on our road and things that could be improved and looked at. Street lighting, wheelie bins, securing gates etc. I had met Jane last month and the neighborhood watch meeting and we had a little chat then, but today we got to talk a little bit more. After the official stuff was done it was just girlie banter. The others were still talking and so I invited Jane in. I asked her to have a look at the rear of my house from a security point of view. (I will be making some changes shortly). Right from the second she walked in, she said how my house had a really good feel to it. She said it a few times, she is right, it’s a good house. It’s why within the first minute of viewing it 10 years ago I knew it was the one. She also commented on lovely smell lilies as soon as you walk in. 

Here is a pic of them, they are from Columbia Road Flower Market.

While she was over I asked her to find me a nice guy, I poured her some Robinsons Orange Squash, discussed sex, boys and love (it came up), gave her a tour of the house, and cut and wrapped up a piece of Teach’s Orange cake. (Teach is one of my flat mates who is getting me fat! He’s a great baker and chef.) In the middle of our yapping she stopped me to tell me how nice I was and how it was such a change from her normal day where the public are just shouting at her. How nice was that! I was just being me and she liked me. The police are nice people, we should all be nicer to them.

And well guys, that was my day, made of nice people being nice. Nice nice nice. As they end every episode of Sesame Street.  - Today’s episode has been brought to you by the letters N I C E. 

L xx

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Brat Face

So! We know why Steph has gone a bit AWOL. She is preggers with baby number 3. I'll go see her in August when the baby is born. When number 3 will be born her eldest will be about 5 1/2. This makes me think of Brat Face. 

Brat Face is my brother, he is actually dashingly handsome and quite popular amongst many. I'm a fan most of the time but he is still a lazy brat. 

Anyhow, this story is about him when he was a baby and toddler. I was 11 when he was born so I can remember all of it. 

I hope most of you have seen new borns. They are kinda gross but if you are lucky that changes quickly. So this baby was really welcomed into our home. There was no jealousy really, my mom raised him with us. My dad was there too but I don't have very many memories of my dad when we (3 kids) were growing up. He worked a lot and did night shifts too. I can't complain too much, as we have aged, we see and speak to him a lot more. (Divorce may be a factor)

I'm diverting, back to Brat Face. For as long as I can remember I've always had long philosophical debates and discussions in my head. I tend to analysis and dissect everything. 

So I knew I loved him, I knew we all loved him but I was curious if he knew that. At what age would he know what love is, when would he start using the word. When would it mean something to him. 

Because I'm the smartest person in the world. ( yes I know I shouldn't start a sentence or paragraph with because) I had a theory that I was going to test out and use. I was sure that his conscious mind knew that I loved him but I wasn't sure if his unconscious mind knew. So the only way to test the unconscious was to knock him out. No! Just joking. I would test my theory for many years from as soon as he was speaking. 

In the middle of the night for years I would go to his cot / bed and shake him awake. Not violently, just so that he was awake in a groggy state. I would ask him 'Brat face, who loves you?' He would then reply 'Leena, you love me'. It was all I needed to hear and then he would be asleep in seconds again. {I used his real name}

No I didn't do this all the time. There was no rhyme, reason or schedule. It's was, as and when he would pop into my head or when I was thinking about love. ( you guys know I'm always thinking about love, even when I was a kid myself)

I'm trying to remember when this waking him up business stopped or why. It stopped when I moved in with my dad, he and my sister stayed with my mom. He was about 5. I wonder if he remembers me waking him. I suppose I should ask him. He and my sister don't read this blog, they have the details but no interest. Each to their own I say. 

I doubt I'll ask him anytime soon, maybe when I see him next but not sure when that will be. Possibly my dads 70th in October but that's a blog entry in itself. 

The bro is off this weekend to see his in-laws. He has met his diplomat partners parents before but never at their home. (I use the term in-laws but they aren't hitched. Maybe one day)

Here is a great blog entry from Ellie talking about gays and adoption. A great read and I use the word retard a lot. Former managers have told me off plenty, it's not the done thing in the UK. Oops!

Let's end this entry with a pretty pic of Steph and family on holiday in the desert. You can see baby too! 

L xxxxx

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Some questions were answered

Well… I survived the day.

Dr.Ben was lovely, just like his voice. (He’s married ) He listened to me for almost an hour and we went though my whole medical history. We went through each blood test one by one, he explained everything that he could. He was really sympathetic. Sometime you meet professionals and you almost know that you would be friends if the circumstances or situation were different. I kind of had that sense with this doctor. After we spoke we had a little chat about the Mark’s death and the inquest that would be taking place in a few hours.

Anyhow… I might have had an actually diagnosis. I’m a little scary even writing it down but its ok. I’ll be ok. The doc is referring me to the Chronic Fatigue treatment and research unit at Kings College London. They have a specialist team and he thinks they might be able to help me. He was also really positive with all the steps that I have been doing. Eating relatively well and getting exercise when I can. We went though the NICE guidelines and I have almost all the symptoms.

Gosh the next part of the day was a little intense.

I so badly want to explain everything that was said at the coroners inquest but that would be wrong and it’s not my place. What I can tell you is there is there are so many sides to a person and their story. There were so many people in that room that had no idea about his life, his feelings, emotions, relationships etc. I honestly felt like one of the few that knew him. Many statements concurred that his behavior in the last few weeks were really irrationally. This eventually led to his most tragic death. He has been dead now for 8 months and his employers have failed to find a replacement. 3 have tried so far and one more starts in March. One person lasted 2 weeks, one lasted 2 days. It goes to show he was a bit of a super human. Man do I miss the idiot!

Monday, 9 February 2015

Fasten your seatbelt

Fasten your seatbelt as this entry is probably going to be all over the place. Kind of the way my head is right now but not necessarily in a bad way. I just have a lot on plate. Some of it is nice too!

I’m having a ‘Ladies who Lunch’ party this Sunday. I think we will be about 8. Each person will bring a dish and it will be fun. None of them know each other but they are all nice interesting people. What should I make? Think I’ll use my new cook book.

I’m back to the hospital tomorrow to meet with Dr. Ben. He called me personally last week to arrange a day for me to come in. He told me not to worry. I’m not worried. Number 1, worrying is stupid. Number 2, Ben has a nice voice and why not trust a good voice and most importantly number 3, I have seen my blood results for the last 8 months. Things are improving. In January I went to the hospital twice for tests so its all good.

I haven’t spoken to Steph in months and have had very little contact with her. I miss her but I think she is staying away due to me not always feeling great. She took care of her mom Barbara thought her illness to her eventual death. I think the idea of me not being well is scary. The bigger factor is I still don’t know what I have or had. I don’t know what to tell people. E in Montreal is also very frustrated with the whole thing.

Some people think I look the same, some know I'm not quite the same. I saw my aunts 2 weeks ago in the Midlands and they sum it up well. ‘You still don’t look quite right’. They are spot on, things are better but still not quite right.

Work is still kak! You know, South African for shit. There is a meeting happening tomorrow where my fate shall be discussed. Wonder where I get placed? Keep your fingers crossed that I get placed with some half decent humans and that I’m doing something interesting. A girl can still dream…

This absurd not knowing and instability has kinda wrecked havoc with the girl plumbing. I’m not shy so I’ll share. In December I was 12 days late and I only came on after the osteopath did some stuff. Kosher stuff, nothing untoward. Then nothing for a whopping 37 days! That’s is really long time, trust me boys and girls… that’s a long time. My breasts have never, ever, ever hurt so much in their entire lives. Yes my breasts have their own individual lives. I was actually woken by breast pain. Now I know breast pain can be linked to menstruation etc so I’m not worried for these pups. They are fine now. Really don’t worry. I do regular self-breast exams. Everybody should. (I will tell Dr Ben tomorrow)

Oh another new first for me. Remember when you were a kid you might have walked out of the house with your blanket, toy or stuffed animal. Well there were a few evenings last week where I had to leave the house, and I did with the hot water bottle in hand. I don’t care what I look like. I don’t. Now don’t be too embarrassed for me, I only took it out where hot water bottle and I wouldn’t be judged. We went on a field trip to the waxer. When you are having the hair ripped out of your legs hot water bottle makes it much better. Hot water bottle is also a great companion in the car. As I’m writing about hot water bottle I feel that he should have a name. I have also decided that it’s a he. He wears a grey cashmere coat from The White Company. Have I gone crazy… yes! Please send name suggestions in the comments box. Until he gets a proper name the abbreviation of HWB works.

On one of my HWB evenings I called Michelle up and she was in Waitrose. I told her I would visit if she would buy some GU chocolate soufflé. You know its bad when you demand specific food to visit your friend’s house. HWB and I had yummy chocolate soufflé while visiting Mich.

On the topics of deserts, the new flat mate D is a very good cook. He is a Teacher so we’ll call him Teach. Teach made yummy caramel chocolate tart. We’ll keep Teach. We tried our first pub quiz last week, we failed miserably but it was still nice.

I need to add a little heavy in now.

Mark’s coroners’ police inquest into his death (suicide) is happening tomorrow. I’ll be attending because I want to go. A bit morbid I know, but I think it will be a good thing in relation to closure. It will be nice to see his family, and it will also be sad because I’ll probably never see them again. Death is a strange thing. Even if you want to keep in touch with the family is doesn’t always happen. I shouldn’t feel too bad. I had only ever met them once and that was at his funeral. I suppose its just that I knew so much about them all, as he would fill me in on details etc.

Now for some random thoughts and facts

·       This is going to sound bad but its not, I’m really pleased. The Canadian Supreme Court has had a unanimous ruling in favor of doctor-assisted suicide. Prior to this the only option was to fly to Switzerland to the Dignitas clinic. Yeah Canada for letting your people make a decision on ending the debilitating pain. I listened to 2 very different but relevant podcasts. The first is the CBC showas it happens. Both sides of the debate were discussed. The second podcast I love so much! It’s called The Moth. Its been going around for years. Even if you don’t listen to all the stories try and listen to the episode that was aired on January 28th 2015 called Radio Hour: Doctors, Prom andEllen. The 2 I liked the most was Prom which really really upset me and the story for Sue. 4 stories are discussed and the first and the last are the best. 

·       The sock monster prevails in my home. He has been with me my whole life. He eats my socks and I never see them again. In case there is any confusion, he eats only one sock. In Canada we had a dryer so the sock monsters appetite was immense. He ate regularly. In the UK he is on a bit of diet but this week… he ate 3 socks. The socks that he doesn’t eat I keep in a bag, I can dream of a reunion.

·       My aunt has separated from her husband of 28 years. They are still living in the same house and she is in her son’s room as he has moved away. I wanted to get her something to make her temporary space cozier, more her and more new. I bought her new bed linen for a single bed and posted it to her today. It’s going to be a strange gift but I hope she like it. She’s too old and way to cool to be sleeping in F1 race car sheets. The whole room is F1… not anymore.

Best I go to bed its late, wish me luck for my visit with Dr. Ben and I hope the inquest is not awful.

Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Real World

Well! I'm home alone and talking to myself.

Should I be worried? 

Hell no, I'm talking to The Real World. You know, MTV's real world.

I woke up with a progressed cold but it's shot back my recovery so I had to call in sick. (Legs hurt too)

I've spent the day in bed watching TV. The real world is good trash if you want to loose a few brain cells. (I'm too smart to begin with)


Wednesday, 14 January 2015

My blogging family

The blogs I read are my family. 

I feel a total genuine connection to most of these people. It a far nicer feeling than Facebook. As mentioned may times before I'm not on Facebook and its so good. Yes I don't know what everyone is liking and vice versa. If you want to know how I am then just ask. Reading someone else blog does just that. 

Most of the time I can just log on and see how some of my favourite people are doing. Let me tell you a bit about them and how I found them. Just that in itself is a story. I haven't met any of these people yet but it won't surprise me one bit if I do one day. 

It all started with breaking bad, yes you heard me right I was watching the TV show which I do recommend by the way. I was following Jessie better know as Aaron Paul on twitter when he talked about his casting agents blog. 

This brought me to the most wonderful Dee Krass ( not her real name) I spent a weekend reading every entry. She is funny, honest and real. Her husband is The Duke and they have 2 daughters. She talks about about how her and the duke met, whats is like having family and working, how she misses her mom who died when she was young etc etc. Dee likes to swear and is happy to talk about blow jobs. She rocks!

Dee and I are friends on twitter and we DM sometimes. She has not written in a while and I hope she is ok. 

The next blog I found one sleepless night when I was remembering the god old days when I had a bunkbed.  My sister and I shared a room and I was the proud owner of the top bunk! There has to be some perks of being the oldest child - right? Anyhow, you just can't find a good bucked set that is comparable to what I once had so I thought i would look online and see if I could find it.

side note: Why on earth was I looking at bunkbeds... for the future of course. You never know when you might need some.

This hunting brought me to Houzz. This sight is a dreamers best friend, every room and house is mine, mine, mine. 

This beautiful room belongs to Sara from August Fields 

Now I love this lady too! probably because she is so different to me yet I would love to have a cup of tea with her. She lives in the US, is very religious, has 6 kids and one more on the way, she home schools her children and was on site when her very simple beautiful house was built. She has slowed down on her blogging but is still active on Instagram

I want to talk about faith and religion now... but I will finish this entry.

The August field blog brought me to Janet who writes The Gardner's Cottage. Janet is also super cool. She has been a vegan for 4 years and has a beautiful cottage that she takes such care of. Everything in her home is beautiful and she has such care about her. She has grown up kids and her son recently had a biker wedding in their garden. Pictures can been seen on here

Janet then brought me to the lovely Ellie.

Where do I begin, everyone wants to be Ellie's best friend and I almost think that if all her blog fans were to get together they would honestly fight. But in all honesty, Ellie is just great and has 2 best friends that she talks about in her blog. Plus guys, I have Steph, remember we have been friends since 7!
In Have Some Decorum she talk about a variety of things. She is an american living in paris with her french husband David also known as bunny, Ellie has a daughter called Gracie who is in university. From many of Ellie's entries you would have no idea that this rocking lady is paralysed from the neck down. Ellie was diagnosed on June 16th 2011 with ALS. In the UK its also known as motor neurone disease.

Quick side note. I recently saw The Theory of Everything and Stephen Hawking is now 73 so I pray that Ellie will make it that far. 

Ellie is so honest and keeps her cool but when its necessary she will let it rip. This entry she tells someone where to go. You go girl! 

I hope to vist Ellie one day soon

I hope you all enjoy these blogs as much as I do.