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I am a Canadian who has been living in London UK for the last 13 years!! How did that happen?

Thursday, 15 January 2015

The Real World

Well! I'm home alone and talking to myself.

Should I be worried? 

Hell no, I'm talking to The Real World. You know, MTV's real world.

I woke up with a progressed cold but it's shot back my recovery so I had to call in sick. (Legs hurt too)

I've spent the day in bed watching TV. The real world is good trash if you want to loose a few brain cells. (I'm too smart to begin with)


Wednesday, 14 January 2015

My blogging family

The blogs I read are my family. 

I feel a total genuine connection to most of these people. It a far nicer feeling than Facebook. As mentioned may times before I'm not on Facebook and its so good. Yes I don't know what everyone is liking and vice versa. If you want to know how I am then just ask. Reading someone else blog does just that. 

Most of the time I can just log on and see how some of my favourite people are doing. Let me tell you a bit about them and how I found them. Just that in itself is a story. I haven't met any of these people yet but it won't surprise me one bit if I do one day. 

It all started with breaking bad, yes you heard me right I was watching the TV show which I do recommend by the way. I was following Jessie better know as Aaron Paul on twitter when he talked about his casting agents blog. 

This brought me to the most wonderful Dee Krass ( not her real name) I spent a weekend reading every entry. She is funny, honest and real. Her husband is The Duke and they have 2 daughters. She talks about about how her and the duke met, whats is like having family and working, how she misses her mom who died when she was young etc etc. Dee likes to swear and is happy to talk about blow jobs. She rocks!

Dee and I are friends on twitter and we DM sometimes. She has not written in a while and I hope she is ok. 

The next blog I found one sleepless night when I was remembering the god old days when I had a bunkbed.  My sister and I shared a room and I was the proud owner of the top bunk! There has to be some perks of being the oldest child - right? Anyhow, you just can't find a good bucked set that is comparable to what I once had so I thought i would look online and see if I could find it.

side note: Why on earth was I looking at bunkbeds... for the future of course. You never know when you might need some.

This hunting brought me to Houzz. This sight is a dreamers best friend, every room and house is mine, mine, mine. 

This beautiful room belongs to Sara from August Fields 

Now I love this lady too! probably because she is so different to me yet I would love to have a cup of tea with her. She lives in the US, is very religious, has 6 kids and one more on the way, she home schools her children and was on site when her very simple beautiful house was built. She has slowed down on her blogging but is still active on Instagram

I want to talk about faith and religion now... but I will finish this entry.

The August field blog brought me to Janet who writes The Gardner's Cottage. Janet is also super cool. She has been a vegan for 4 years and has a beautiful cottage that she takes such care of. Everything in her home is beautiful and she has such care about her. She has grown up kids and her son recently had a biker wedding in their garden. Pictures can been seen on here

Janet then brought me to the lovely Ellie.

Where do I begin, everyone wants to be Ellie's best friend and I almost think that if all her blog fans were to get together they would honestly fight. But in all honesty, Ellie is just great and has 2 best friends that she talks about in her blog. Plus guys, I have Steph, remember we have been friends since 7!
In Have Some Decorum she talk about a variety of things. She is an american living in paris with her french husband David also known as bunny, Ellie has a daughter called Gracie who is in university. From many of Ellie's entries you would have no idea that this rocking lady is paralysed from the neck down. Ellie was diagnosed on June 16th 2011 with ALS. In the UK its also known as motor neurone disease.

Quick side note. I recently saw The Theory of Everything and Stephen Hawking is now 73 so I pray that Ellie will make it that far. 

Ellie is so honest and keeps her cool but when its necessary she will let it rip. This entry she tells someone where to go. You go girl! 

I hope to vist Ellie one day soon

I hope you all enjoy these blogs as much as I do. 

Just do what you have to

So work is still up in the air. I have an employer but no job! I turned down the first offer taking a big gamble. I will have to accept my second offer despite what it is. I should get offer number 2 at the end of February. This feels like a long time away when I know it's not that loooong. 

My colleagues on the other side of the floor have a possible vacancy. I like them, they like me, and I can do the job. The question is, who do I need to sleep with to get this job?

Just joking kids, I don't play that way. (Probably because it wouldn't work, but it's also not my style) 

My employers have some sort of system where the board meet monthly, discuss the 'displaced' and then offer them a department. They have canceled Januarys meeting so that's why I have to wait until Feb.

When I started there years ago I was told by some idiots not to talk to the senior managers or anyone really who is higher on the totem pole. As soon as I was given this shitty advice, I decided to ignore that one immediately. Why shouldn't I speak to people that make loads more money that me? Last I looked they are still people? And yes they might have to follow rules etc but influence and persuasion can go a long way.

I can be very forward, most of them know that about me and like that about me too but I still need to approach this carefully. 

I decided to get some fresh air and went to pick up some lunch from a nice vegan co-op. 

On my walk there I saw this and took a picture just for you.

This photo for me is in true camino style. When I walked in Spain almost everything I saw had great meaning. It was almost like being high and EVERYTHING has great deep meaning. 

This squirrel is doing his thing.... or should it be a her? He/She is not bothered about the fact that construction is taking place. If opportunity knocks then just go for it. 

I returned from lunch and spoke to them all, now I'll just have to wait and see. When I left to go home they were in a meeting. I hope it was discussed. 

To be updated.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

The ideal bedroom

The Ideal bedroom would look something like this.... 

The plan is to have a really really big walk-in closet with everything else that I might need!

I found it on Pinterest. I'm on Pinterest too, after having a quick glance, my Pinterest boards are far more girlie than I actually am... but who cares. I have good taste!

I'm feeling so hopeful today! 

Look at all the healthy veggies I bought this morning. 

I think I might even give the http://worldsbiggestjuicedetox.com a go. Why not? I'm not new to juicing so it shouldn't be that hard... Right?

Saturday, 3 January 2015

2015.... Eh?

So folks, 2014 is long gone and now onwards and upwards!

I write this from the airport waiting lounge. I should have returned to London last night but British Airways made me an offer I couldn't resist. The gave me good old fashioned Stirling and bumped me up by a day. Not bad really. My folks only live about 20 minutes from the airport so it was no biggy for them to come back and get me. When I had left them earlier that evening there were a lot of tears. 

My dad is going on a cruise for 4 months and he quite hard to reach when he is away. 

My mom and I have had quite a ride with each other over the years and it hasn't been fun at all. In the last few months things have greatly improved. Maybe the best it's been in over a decade. When I hugged her goodby last night, I told her the best thing about getting sick was finding my mom again. Then in Leena fashion, I told her to stop being an idiot. (Come'on you can't always be nice!)

My extra day today has felt like such a bonus. Bonus is the best way to explain it. This day was just given to me, and it was for me to be in Montreal for one more day. 

Today I took it really easy. I didn't unpack at all. It's just not necessary. My mom leant me some PJ's and dad gave me a new tooth brush. Easy

Last week I was in the middle of feeling really awful again. One of the days I just cried which for me is sign that things are at a breaking point. I was also really upset about having to go back to work and not actually being better. Anyhow my mom suggested I go see a family friend who is training to be an osteopath. My mom and sister have both gone to see him and only had good things to say. So I went to see him on the 28th, the 30th and TODAY the 2nd :-) He did what he could and I feel so much better for it.

There is still work to be done but that's the joy of living. We are all a work in progress. 

I like that this is a new year, it feels like a fresh start. Everyday we live is a fresh start. I need to remember that more. Fundamentally though, I know this. 

I'm also making steps to improve everything in my life that is not working. They may be really small and simple but it's a conscious effort. 

I'll list a few, they might sound silly but they will benefit me and really.... It's all about moi!

1) drink more water! So far so good and my mom even made a comment today that she's noticing that I'm drinking more l'eau. 

2) if it's not benefitting me, then try and get rid of it. Start with baby steps. Almost every morning I end up deleting about 20 emails or more. It's just spam, great deals, offers etc. Yes might find a good deal... But I'm not looking for one at the time so why so many emails. So for the last 3 days instead of swiping the email and clicking on delete I'm unsubscribe from the mailing list. Unsubscribe, unsubscribe, unsubscribe.

This next one I think comes from age. The longer you live the more you should realise that it's all bullshit really. It's all stuff, just extra stuff. It won't love you or  hold you at night. It's just extra stuff. I'm not criticising people that have lots of stuff, but tell me? Is it really making you happy?

If you have something, want something or need something, then make it worth it. Quality over quantity. This is one of the best rules you can ever learn in life. It especially applies for people. Surround yourself/your life with a few good people and you will sorted forever.

But back to stuff. If you are going to keep items in your home, use them or let them go. Give it away to charity or someone who might get some use of it. I don't have a huge kitchen and it's shared with 3 of us. Most things I have get used. This is good. 

Unfortunately this is not the case for every room in my house. My focus this year is going to be on my bedroom. I have enough tasteful furniture that can happily hold and contain my possessions. My problem is I still have extra stuff. I'm almost looking forward to binning most of it. :-)

Oh and next time I'll link a photo from Pinterest of the ideal bedroom

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

The eve of New Year's Eve

Well! It's that time of year again!... Or almost. Tomorrow will be the last day of 2014! What a year!

I have very mixed feeling on this year. What I know is 2014 is a year I won't forget, even when I wish I could erase things or moments. I learned a lot this year. A great deal. 

As humans we are mixed bag. You get all kinds but I have to say that the vast vast majority of people that I spoke to or gave my time too have been really special.

I think I'll write a thank you blog to them all tomorrow. As much as I often want to be a hermit I need people, a thank you blog entry might be the best way to say goodby to 2014

Friday, 12 December 2014

TO.... No thank you

My heart lives in Montreal and in London. Of course if the right opportunity or person arises I would move but until then, I'll only live in London or Montreal. 

I've been in Toronto (TO) for a few days now, visiting the sis and bro. It's really not my cuppa. It just feels so false with no real character. Montreal is colder, darker, dirty, gritty, cool, and full of so much character!

Toronto is shinny and full of tall sky scraper apartments. It's interesting that people live in downtown TO. In MTL most downtown buildings are office buildings.

One thing that I am really enjoying is that I can look right into these peoples homes. To be honest I haven't seen anything other than they both have decorated Christmas trees and one of them really likes his sports. Last night at 1:30am they were both up watching TV. I can't see the sofas, so who knows if they are alone or even sleeping. If there are both alone I almost wish they knew about each other. They are only 2 doors apart. 

I took an early walk this morning, I really haven't been able to sleep in TO so far. Not sure why? Anyhow, I liked the look of this scary ally way. I'm way too much of a scaredy cat to walk down it. It could be dangerous! I don't know who or what could be there. None the less I took a picture of it. It was intriguing.

Before I head back to MTL I'll try and have another early morning walk. I enjoy watching cities as they wake

Thursday, 11 December 2014

They are all trouble. Trust me

I have only told 2 friends that know I'm in MTL. E and Y. 

E I met in university one afternoon when he was having a smoke outside and I was just there. He just started talking to me and that was the beginning of the end. I don't normally talk to strangers, it just felt right. 16 years later and we are still buds. 

Y was on the plane with me in May 2001 when I moved to the UK. We didn't know each other. The final boarding call was made and oh shit! I was about to miss my plane. I ran as fast as I could and a few minutes later I see this guy zoom by with my university backpack. All I saw was his hair, bag, clothing and height. I just thought to myself, he seems cool. Wonder if he's on my flight. Low and behold he was... And sitting next to me too! We spoke for 7 hours and now it's 14 years later. 

I sure do pick em! 

I have only seen E so far and next week I'll catch up with Y. 

They both call me several times a day and it's like I never left. E calls when ever he's driving. Y calls when he is free or when waiting for the bus and metro. 

Y has girl problems so I counsel him in the in's and out's of relationships! I'm full of good advice and wisdom despite my own ducks not being in order. 

E just talks about anything random. He doesn't complain at all and won't listen to me when I complain. He has reason. His older sister died a year ago leaving behind 5 kids. Life seriously sucks sometimes! When E and I met we went for a coffee. I might have been having a winge about something stupid and insignificant and he replied with a good saying. "May that be the worst of your problems..." I smile and shut the fuck up! I'm glad he puts me in my place. Additionally I worry about him. I think he should still express his feelings and emotions even if they are negative or complaining. 

My final part is I love these 2 very different boys, very much. They are great! They are also trouble because they are boys! :-)  

Friday, 5 December 2014

I'm home!!!!

Wow! I'm home after 5 years but it feels like 20! 

My dad has and will always be a character, even more so when he is in his own environment. When he visits me in London he is a little more mellow. 

He absolutes adores his 3 kids, me, my sis and bro. The fact that we are old doesn't change a thing. He treats me the same way I was when I was 16. I think when I'm with my dad, I feel like I'm 16.

A few things have changed but nothing major. I arrived at 21:00 and now it's 23:00. I've had a snoop amongst my things and opened a box that kept important things. 

I love this note, it sums the man up. 

The next pic is one of the many funny conversations I will have with him while I am here. He has way too much stuff (so do I, it's a bad trait I've got from him) and so when I'm here I try and help him. I don't have to do very much other than tell him what to do. I must sound so bossy but he just does what we ask him to do. So this evening, I pointed to a box that's on the living room. This is a pretty big house for one person and there are a million better places for this box to go if it need to be kept. He opens the box and is full of greeting cards. They are separated into groups. The first batch are cards that read, it's a boy! My brother was born 25 years ago. Time for my brother to take these cards off my dad and keep them of he wishes. The next bundle that we looked at were cards to my parents when they were a couple. 

This card is from my sister to my folks. So my dad then comes out with, I'm not sure what to do? I think I should ask your mom? 

I'm so lucky my divorced parents speak to each other and help each other out to this day. My mom has had a rough year, too much to explain and non of your business however my dad said she could stay here. Until recently she actually lived here and was keeping my empty bedroom company. 

Anyhow! It's 5am British time. I best get to sleep. It's nice to be back 

Monday, 1 December 2014

Further investigations still needed

Well! I went to see the doc today and got my results from my blood test last week. Not great really. There are 2 things that are still elevated and further investigation is needed. I have now been referred to the medicine department at my local NHS hospital. I’m hoping that in January I will have my appointment. For women under 50 years old, the level should be less than 20 mm/hr. In July mine was 26 and now its 36. Not great

On a positive it explains why I’m still not feeling fab.

I told the GP that I’m really stressed and will it affect my blood. The plan is to rest rest, rest, while I’m not at work.

Now why am I stressed you ask? A new flat mate moved in on Wednesday. He appeared to have all his ducks in order although he forgot to mention he was an alcoholic! Trust me this realization has not been fun at all. I have asked him to go and he should be out soon!

Todays sound track has been: Built on Glass by Chet Faker

Sorry this is a short entry, more to come soon

Friday, 28 November 2014

My legs woke me

Have you ever woken up because your hand or arm is numb. Often because you or someone next to you is sleeping on it, and its feels a little dead. That’s happened to me a bunch of times in my life, a simple fix, reposition and go back to bed.

I’ve now been up since 4am with throbbing aching legs. I have a feeling its going to be the final part of Abby Cadabby. I reckon once my legs stop hurting I’ll be better. At least that’s the plan. I took an anti inflammatory and it’s working now. Now I’m just awake with frustration. I wish I could change the leg pain to arm pain or some other body part, but no my legs! I love my legs, I always have. I love them for many, many reasons.

If I were a poet I would write a poem called Ode to my legs. Seeing I’m not I’ll just tell you why I’m a fan of the ol’pins. This is no specific order. They have been good to me, I love walking more than anything and well they are the essential tool, they look good in dresses, shorts, skirts, you get the drift.

Also when I think about the way they feel right now it makes me sad and brings me back to the Camino days.

Currently if I go out and walk more than I should I really suffer the next day, the difficult thing is measuring how much is too much and then balancing that with getting fresh air. Fresh air is the biggest reason I go out. Earlier today, I walked home from the post office and then went to the grocery store. Nothing spectacular, but it must have been too much.

As mentioned in this blog many times before, my last day of the Camino I walked a marathon. 26 miles about 42km. My legs were steel, they were sooooo strong! I so look forward to the day when I’m back on the Camino walking again.

What else, I’m going home in 6 sleeps! Lots of mixed feelings. As mentioned also in this blog I’ve never been home sick confused like I have this year after living away for almost 14 years. When I get back to MTL I would have loved to rediscover the city. I know that this won’t be possible this time, but maybe another time.

I’m going home to rest and get better. I have a plan too! I’m going to sit on my dads couch, drink tea, and watch all of The Wonder Years. I am so excited about this box set being released. Either the family will get it for me for xmas or I’ll get it for me. The other plan is to walk to the St. Lawrence River daily. My dad’s house is 2 blocks away from the river and if you were to add an extra story to our house you could even see the river from where we live. (I know I sound like I still live there) Normally a river would be frozen in December but it’s the rapids, ever flowing, moving and constant. (Providing we as the earths inhabitants’ take better care of our environment)

Sunday, 23 November 2014

I fell off the toilet seat

Did I get your attention? When you are inebriated the absurd thought of falling off the bog isn’t soo odd. Sadly a few weeks ago I did fall off the can but I wasn’t drunk I was ill/sick.

Now after living here (UK) for so long the work sick means so many things.

Sick: in the UK can refer to vomiting.
Sick in North America means sick with a, cold, flu, and viral infection anything really
Ill in the UK is more like the North American version of sick.

For the purpose of this entry I feel I should find a name for this illness / sickness / nightmare / pain in the ass situation. Give me a sec, I thinking. I would like to just call it a fucking pain but it is a pain so let me come up with a better word. When ever in doubt refer to Sesame Street. I’m going to pick a 2006 character that I don’t have any memories or affiliations with. Sorry Abby Cadabby…. I’m picking you

So on October 16th 2014 I woke up with Abby Cadaddy! I was feeling rough as fuck and my lymph nodes were swollen. (Glands for the UK lot). I’ve always been pretty astute to my body and something was not right. I called in sick at work that morning and went to see the GP. Before even seeing the doc I knew what lymph nodes do and I’m aware that when they are swollen it’s a sign that my body is fighting an infection.

I haven’t always had the best experience with GP’s so I was so surprised when I was actually examined and the doc actually felt me. She agreed that I yep, my glands were swollen and it was probably a viral infection. She told me to take painkillers when needed, and to rest. She said I should feel better in about a week and If didn’t I would need to return for a blood test. She signed me off for a week.

I should have gone back to work the following Friday but I wasn’t getting better I was getting worse. It was that weekend when I had my ‘falling off the toilet’ incident. I had a bath and then felt dizzy and too weak to get to my bedroom so I thought I would have a little rest and sit on the (closed) toilet seat. I sat there for a not even a minute and then fell. Luckily I put out my hands and landed on all fours. My head almost hit the sick but fortunately it didn’t. Some how I managed to get up and stumble to my bedroom and landed on my bed. I didn’t move for 3 hours and remained in the same position. I fell asleep like this and my hair dried naturally un brushed. This was the beginning of my uni-dread. Think of one massive dreadlock. It was clean… but I swear birds could have nested in it. I was massive and I wasn’t fussed.

When I woke up my heart was racing and I was kind of freaking out. I had been in physical pain for weeks now and I was tired. Plus, lets not forget that I was coughing like a chain smoker. (I don’t smoke)

I was worried for me and wanted to go the A&E (ER), however I had my rational hat on. I have worked for the NHS in a hospital and I know how they work. The worst time to rock up, is on the weekend. Staffing is limited and unless you are bleeding or its more severe its not worth going. I could have explained my Abby Cadabby symptoms but its wasn’t worth it. I needed to make it through the night and Monday would arrive. I could go to the GP then.

On Monday I put on a bra for the first time in 11 days. There were only going to be one of 2 things that was going to happen that day. Either I would put on a bra or brush my hair. The uni-dread birds nest was twisted into a bun and fastened with a big clip.

I walked super slowly to the GP and wiped tears. The tears weren’t all linked to the pain, some were concern. I was not feeling any better, only worse. In the waiting room the tears were more steady. The walk there had done me in. When my name was finally called I entered consultation room 2 and was confronted with another GP. I thought I had met them all at my practice but apparently not.

I sat there and tried to explain how I felt while crying quite a bit. I was also explaining that I’ve never cried in the doctors before. (Paediatrician appointments don’t count). The whole thing was messy. He looked at me with great concern and told me he thinks I have one of 2 infections. We will call one Abby and the other Cadabby. I also had a fever at the time and when he examined my throat he told me I had tonsillitis too! He said that as soon as I left the surgery (doctors clinic) I had to go straight to the medical centre for a blood test. It was Monday October 27th and my results would come back in a week. During this visit he also signed me off for another 2 weeks and said I was not fit to return to work. I did as I was told and went for my blood test.

On Tuesday October 28th I was in lots of pain and watching TV in the living room was not option. I was not going to leave my bed. It’s where I spent most of my time anyway. I was too tired to do anything, even the soles of my feet ached. I was quite emotional that day. I’m youngish, I shouldn’t feel like this. My mom was calling me twice a day from Canada to see how I was doing. At about 2ish my phone rang with a withheld number. All the numbers from my employers are withheld so I thought it was work. To my surprise, it was the doctor calling me. He asked me how I was feeling and I started crying again! Poor guy… I still feel bad about that. He said he had hoped I was feeling better but seeing I wasn’t I needed to go to the hospital. He explained a few things. He had put a rush on the blood tests and my white blood cells were high… too high. Something bigger could be wrong. Also the blood test had shown that I had recently had Abby and Cadabby, so instead on having one whopping virus I had had them both. ( I know have the antobodies for them) The doctor explained that he was going to call the hospital and give them the heads up on my situation. He said I could have gone in that evening but if I went the following morning I might be seen quicker. I opted for the morning. Doc also explained that depending on how things go I might be admitted. He told me to pack a small bag when I went in.

I called my mom who was with my sister and explained the news, something was definitely wrong but I didn’t know how wrong until I had more tests etc.

The next few hours were a mixture of several phone calls. My mom was looking into flights that evening to arrive in London on Wednesday morning. This way she would go with me to the hospital and deal with anything that might need dealing with. During this time I also spoke to one of my managers who also offered to go with me to the hospital if I couldn’t find someone or if my mom couldn’t make it.

I’m a lucky grateful child. My mom arrived on Wednesday morning and we went to the hospital together.

This entry is soooo long so I’m going to fast forward a little.

At the hospital I had a load of blood tests, blood cultures, xrays of my lungs etc. My white blood cells count had improved since the Monday so they sad that I didn’t need to stay in and just carry on resting.

The recovery is long and slow. Ive been back to the GP and they are monitoring things. My sick note has been extended to January 2015! This sounds crazy but is all Abby Cadabby related. Abby Cadabby also explains why I have felt shit most of they year. I had a really bad cough in June and though it eventually went away I never really felt like the normal Leena.

I hope that I feel like the normal Leena soon.

Friday, 24 October 2014

Hugging and crying

Alison is not a hugger, it's not her thing. We only ever hug if someone has died. Pretty much that is the truth. Hugs are not her thing. 

Hugging is one thing, crying is another. 
Neither of us cry very much at all. Almost never. 

This morning I checked my Twitter that brought me to a YouTube video. I watched it in bed and burst into tears. Not a little trickle down my eyes but wet wet sobbing tears. I lost it. It's was like an explosion, unexpected and fast. I didn't cry for long and I was and still taken back by my emotions. 

This morning, Alison woke up and also has an unexpected sob. It too, was fast and unexpected. Her sob relates to her utter frustration with a situation.

We met this evening and had our regular  catchup chat. We both talked about our unexpected events from this morning etc. 

As I left her this evening I suggested that we should hug, her reply was 'ok, but I'm afraid I might cry again.' I told her it's ok. We both held onto each other for a good long squeeze.... And then she had to dash to catch the tube. I swear, the tube really has cut my hugs short in the past. (I remember this one time...(another blog entry)

Now I know I'm keeping my large readership on the seat of their pants waiting to find out why I was crying..... What's happened now. 

I'll explain tomorrow 

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Beliefs and regrets

I’ve had a lot of time on my own recently which means the thinking is on overdrive. Some of this is good because I need to make some very big, life alternating decisions. When I say life alternating, is just there is a split in the road and I need to decide which road I want to go down. I wish I could walk down each road and then decide which one is better.

Do I leave my safe job that provides for me but doesn’t bring me any happiness or do I take the money (small redundancy package) and run! AKA find another job.

Everyone that I have spoken to from the motherland (Canada) friends and family all think I should stay because of the perks, safety and security.

My friends and the people that actually SEE me think I’m nuts to not leave. The money could tie me over until I find something else.

Now here is down side of having an overly active imagination. Every time that I read a job advert I think to myself. Shit I could do that, I would be good at that. (and no… I’m not looking at brain surgery jobs but jobs that interest me)

In the last few years I’ve really need thinking about how growing up or growing older has changed me. The biggest pro is even when it goes all wrong, its not nearly as band as when I was younger. The con of aging is taking risks and going out on a limb is so much harder, sometimes even impossible.

I suppose you can tell by the language that I’m using here I’m pretty fucking scared of taking the plunge.

This now leads onto another topic that I’ve been analysing a great deal. Our beliefs, values, and thoughts processes. Do you ever think about it? What do we believe and why? Who told us what to believe? Of course some of this comes from family, some is life experiences and then there are others that I just can’t figure out.

Now here it is. I have managed to live my life thus far without ever having any regrets. I just don’t believe in regrets. Of course there are numerous things and events that I would do differently if I could go back but its not a regret.

I suppose this essentially means…. Whatever I decide, it’s ok. Its all going to be Okay

Monday, 13 October 2014

What I'm currently listening to

This evenings horrendous journey home has been made bearable by the following:

(Do you hear a hint of seseame street there? You should)

Some good old classic 80's tunes. In the air tonight by Phil Collins. Play it super loud and you won't be sorry. The drums bit just rocks.

The other fine album that's keeping me company is the self titled album Benjamin Booker. Check it out. 

I'm writing this on the iPhone and so I don't know how to add links. Just google it. 

Oh! And I haven't told you. I didn't get Glastonbury tickets. I'm still distrait but I will find a way! I will, I will, I will


Thoughts on Love and how is all I think about

Although I have not written much I've had so many thoughts that I have wanted to write down. I've stored them up.

A lot of it has so do with what I have been thinking. It's like I'm actively monitoring what's going on in my head. Some of it is no change at all. I've been unhappy in my job for years... And when am I going to change that. Or more importantly, will I ever change it. It's quite easy for me to stay there until I'm 65, or better yet... I think I can now retire at 72. This is a tad bit depressing so I'll move on now.

So! I have noticed that I think about love all the time every day. I think about the word, how often it is said, when did I see it last. What does it mean, how does it feel, when did I feel it last, who loves me, who do I love, have I ever been in love? You get the drift. 

Listening to music as often as I do, I can't go few songs without someone or another singing about it. Sometimes I think to myself, why can't they sing about something else. Ultimately though, I know the answer. Love makes the world go round. It's not money or happiness or anything else. It's only love. 

The British I feel, still have great difficulty in expressing love unlike their counterparts on the other side of the pond. Some would say North Americans say 'love' way too much. I.e I love my iPhone 6 (I do). 

One would come back and say, how can you love an object. Of course it's an object and it's not real love. But I think love is a great word and I don't think there is that much harm in using it. Most people know the difference.

Like so many things in my life. I can't remember when I was taught things. When did I learn what love is. A baby, a child? All the children that I've ever encountered that have parents seem to know what it is.

I can remember a phone call with Steph a few years ago when she was telling me about Leo. He must have been 4 ish. Just out of the blue he would walk over to Steph, give her a great big hug and tell her that he loved her. How did he learn to do that? Probably from her, but what made him reach out to her in that moment? Love of course.

I shall digress quickly to a scene in a documentary that I watched yesterday. It's a 2012 doc called 'Stories we tell' it's by Sarah Polly. I quite enjoyed watching it and therefore don't want to spoil it either, for any of you that see it. There is a scene where she hugs her dad as she gives him some life changing news. Towards the end of the film he explains that although the news was big. The hug meant more. That was love.

I'm going to sign out now but I'll write one soon about the love of animals / pets. It's a true story that happend a few weeks ago. 

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Podcasts: Vinyl Cafe with Stuart McLean and Serial


So let me tell what has been keeping me company for the last 11 weeks. Podcasts, podcasts and more podcasts.

The first is the Vinyl cafĂ© by Stuart McLean that I’ve mentioned briefly before. It’s a Canadian thing that has been around for 20 years yet I only discovered it when someone told me about it. Radio is my favourite medium so why not. In August I downloaded everything Vinyl Cafe podcast I could so I’m now officially up to date from all the broadcasts that go back to March. Stuart takes the show on the Canadian road so it is often broadcasted in towns around the country.

It’s a show that comes in 3 parts. The music part, bands, music, self-explanatory. The story exchange where the public write true stories and one is picked and read out loud. And the last part is fictional story that is written by the narrator Stuart McLean. There are 4 main characters but as time you learn of their friends, family neighbours etc. Dave is the dad, Morley is his wife and his 2 children are Stephanie and Sam.

In March 2015 I will have lived in London for 14 years, I have never missed Canada as much as I have this summer listening to this show. It makes me miss Canada so much. It also makes me laugh and cry. Do you ever see those weird people on the tube that start smiling out of the blue and then you notice that they have headphones in. That weird person is now me.

Stuart was born and raised in Montreal and so suppose it’s that extra bit special. One weekend in September I came across a fantastic interview. Some of the things he said really hit home. I re-listed to a few parts about 5 times. Rewind, play, rewind, play etc. Here is the link for the interview with Broadcasting Canada. Look for Stuart Mclean

The next podcast that is totally worth checking out is called Serial. Its the number one podcast in the US. Its a true story about a murder that took place in 1989. Really good listening and it you just don't know who did it. I have gone on a bit of rampage at work and downloaded it on almost everyone's iPhone. ( they all think I'm crazy at work) Ive explained that on monday's we are doing to have a group discussion. I've told them its just like show and tell at school but instead we will talk.  - They don't even know what show and tell is so I doubt I'll have this conversation with them tomorrow. Stephanie is also listing to it in Abu Dhabi so at least I have her, to talk to it about it. 

You should all check it out and feel free to comment, do you think he did it or is he innocent. Make sure you start listing from episode 1.

Here is a good article from the New Yorker and another from the Guardian 

The boys that make me smile

Hello All,

I have a new reader that found me on twitter… So I thought I better write.

Plus every few days when I talk to Adam he reports back that he’s checked the blog and no entries. Best I write.

I have missed you all, but I feel bad that I don’t have anything interesting to say. I have been just going through the motions. It’s not the best way to live but I am aware so that’s a good start. I have said yes to every social gathering and that’s been good. The boys at work invite me to things, which is nice. I attend, even when it makes no sense at all. 2 weeks ago I went to all you can eat meat carnivore restaurant. As a veggie is was not the best but they are a bunch of good hearts so it was worth it.

So in honour of the people I know and their funny stories and comments I will share a few of them with you. Some are just one liners but they make me chuckle.

This one is from Matt. I asked him if he likes his new smart phone? His reply was, ‘It’s like a new cock. I can’t stop playing with it!’ I just grinned and the other girl in the office looked at him and asked, Did you say what I think you said?  He replied yes and that was the end of that.

Another funny story is from Steve. We were talking about Christmas and New Years. He was telling us about the time when he was either 19 or 20. He and his mate had not made any plans as yet so they rocked up to Victoria station on New Years Eve and decided to take the next train that was announced. That happened to be to Brighton. Even as I’m writing this I’m laughing. You have to meet him because he is this great big kid in an adult body. Anyhow, when Steve came home after new years to his Irish mother he found out that she had reported him as missing to the police. The silly bugger forgot to call home… and it was 5 days later!!!, ! I’m not a mother but the mother in me wanted to yell at him and it’s a decade later!

He carried on telling us stories about his wild days and then reminds us all that Lizzy saved him. He says it with such love. Lizzy is his wife and baby mommy, they have a daughter. They met on a train; you never know where you’ll meet your person.

I have a few more things to say on separate topics so time for a new entry