This weekend was not easy. On Friday, I had found out that a family friend had passed away at 61. The day was an opportunity to visit the family at a community hall and pay your respects and condolences. It’s almost 3 hours away from me but I knew I wanted to go.
I’ve had a spiritual teacher for many years and prior to having a mortgage, I travelled a lot. I would go to speaking events on the topic of inner peace and there would be all the same familiar faces. This man and his wife were part of the group. Everyone is so happy and joyful, we would often stay in the same hotels, share cabs, meals, smiles, hugs and say see you at the next one.
My faithful blog readers know that I have been through a lot. Even looking at me and smiling is very BIG in my world. We all need to be seen, and this is one of my biggest childhood wounds. (Thank you coach for teaching me and helping me connect the dots). For the 2025 parents out there who are hiding behind their phones when their child is with them. Just stop. Anyhow so I’m talking to the deceased man’s kids, maybe they are in their late 20’s. I didn’t have much to say other than I’m so sorry and your dad was so nice to me. He was so nice to everyone. I’m talking to them and tears are rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now. I have never even met his kids let alone seen him in years. My aunts and uncles who are his age saw him much more and so I was with them during the visit.
Then there is the cat. So I have always been afraid of animals, I like them but don’t go close, touch them, stroke them etc. This fear came from my mom, maybe my dad, too. However, I moved countries at 22. Now, when I’m driving in the countryside and I see sheep and cows. I’ll stop the car if it’s safe and talk to the animals, This has been going on for at least 15 years. If friends have dogs, they have become friends. Cats less so. For ages, I would say that they are snakes on legs. It’s just that they can appear out of nowhere.
Last year after many years of the cat next door living there, he warmed up to us (housemate and I) and vice versa.
During my heartbreak re the Lion. The cast would sit with me for hours. He (cat) mostly just sleeps, that’s what cats do, especially old ones. Our home is safe so he can really let go and not have to nap outside with one eye open.
Yesterday he was really sick, there was pain in his eyes, and no energy. It was scary because we didn’t want him to pass in the night outside. His owners didn’t even bring him in etc.
So I said to my housemate. Some creatures, including humans, who want to die alone. The number of stories where the families have just left the hospice the person dies is countless. And then there are others, that don’t want to be alone. They are scared. That is the cat, that is my dad. ( we will get to Dad shortly). So the cat slept through the night next to the housemate in his room. This morning housemate and I confirmed that neither of us slept. Monsieur cat is alive, slightly less lethargic and out of the house (albeit the fact that he is on the mat literally outside the front door)
(Pause to apply conditioner- yep this entry is from the office / my bathtub)
Now, let’s get to my dad. I’m already upset about recent bereavement and cat. Then I find out from my sister that her and my mom (sister doesn’t drive) are bringing my dad to the A&E / ER on Sunday night with a suspected UTI. What I find sad is my sister would not wait with him in the waiting room. I know my dad has brought so much trauma upon us but he’s not going to have an outburst in the waiting room. Plus he is majorly showing signs of dementia. Am I being unreasonable when I think it’s sad that she won’t stay with him. There is zero point going into it with my family. All I said was he would wait with us for all of the emergency visits. He did have 3 kids. Her response was, he’s the parent. There is truth to that too.
Anyhow, he left the hospital after 1am and another patient in the waiting room ordered pizza and gave my dad 2 slices. My dad offered her money and she said no. That’s the man that he is.
Both my parents are not bad people. Just deeply wounded.
I’m crying again. Maybe it’s going to be one of those days. It’s also a full moon and my period is due
TTYL
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