Head Girl

Started on Saturday night 


Listening to AM by Artic Monkeys. Alex Turners voice never gets old. 


Location: Bed with my trusty hot water bottle. I’m not on, I just like my hot water bottle. 


Okay okay… I’ll start now. 


Guys! What the fuck! This day! This life. Seriously 

I mean seriously!


So coach Renee has been soo patient with me when it comes to a solid path and direction and I take a million years to get there. I’m always meandering down the garden path and not the road to where I need to and want to be. 


I’m far from doing this properly but I’m making strides. 


On Friday I left her a message about all these crazy uncanny wild coincidences. They were coming in thick and fast (my head has gone into the gutter. I will retrieve it fast). I would see a book and then someone would mention it. I would think of something and then it’s in a podcast. The day was filled with loads of stuff. This was her reply to me:


Do you recall me telling you once you prioritise yourself, clear out the things that steal your energy, that memories and alignments begin to occur. 


This is your psyche and natural state coming back online. Outside of the trauma and people, places and things that drain your energy.  


The more time you spend inward, the more time you stop avoiding you, the more comes forward to process and heal😉


  • back to me!


OMG was she right. Today was the same. And loads of things from the past. Almost like some parts of the past are healing themselves. 


Ok so here’s the story. It’s an old one. It’s also royally fucked up. It also falls under the mother shite. My memory may be skewed, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. This falls under one of the trillion times my mother could have protected me but lacked that awareness. 


My mom was called into the vice principals office of my all girls catholic high school to discuss my academic preference. The message that then got passed to me was: Nothing will ever become of her. 


Hello! how super fucked is that. How can someone in education actually say that about a student a child, a young adult. And why have I had to live under that shadow of being a flop, a dud, the girl where nothing will become of me. 


Now let’s fast forward to day and British stuff. 


You know I’m too cool to have ever watched or read Harry Potter. I do know they are set in a boarding school. Schools here regardless of state, private or grammar school have these  roles of Head Girl or Head Boy. 


Frankly I didn’t grow up in this system so I don’t fully get it, but I get it. 


I couldn’t help being me today in class, so I was helpful and quite fast at finding things online and posting it on the group chat. For example if the lecturer mentioned a book, film, podcast, I could find it in a jiffy. Apparently I’m really good at this.


Somewhere along the line in the day, the students and 2 teachers Helen and Maggie said I was head girl. All the girls were cheering, keep in mind these are older woman, mothers, grandmothers and the like.


It was quite overwhelming for my brain and heart to comprehend. 


Remember we are barely a month from my October 6th entry called horrible where my mom’s verbal diarrhoea was spewing. 


Once I got home I received at least 10 WhatsApp from the students thanking me for everything I’ve done for them. Actually 2 thanked me in the morning before class even started.


Just as I was about to go to sleep Maggie was on the class chat and posted this. 

The irony is today in class there was an entire talk on how to prepare because your patient will love you and vice versa. 


I replied with well, now I well and truly love you. I’m good at maintaining the boundaries but I do love her. 

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