The way it is according to moi

Well! It's that time of year again!... Or almost. Tomorrow will be the last day of 2014! What a year! I have very mixed feeling on this year. What I know is 2014 is a year I won't forget, even when I wish I could erase things or moments. I learned a lot this year. A great deal.  As humans we are mixed bag. You get all kinds but I have to say that the vast vast majority of people that I spoke to or gave my time too have been really special. I think I'll write a thank you blog to them all tomorrow. As much as I often want to be a hermit I need people, a thank you blog entry might be the best way to say goodby to 2014

My heart lives in Montreal and in London. Of course if the right opportunity or person arises I would move but until then, I'll only live in London or Montreal.  I've been in Toronto (TO) for a few days now, visiting the sis and bro. It's really not my cuppa. It just feels so false with no real character. Montreal is colder, darker, dirty, gritty, cool, and full of so much character! Toronto is shinny and full of tall sky scraper apartments. It's interesting that people live in downtown TO. In MTL most downtown buildings are office buildings. One thing that I am really enjoying is that I can look right into these peoples homes. To be honest I haven't seen anything other than they both have decorated Christmas trees and one of them really likes his sports. Last night  at 1:30am  they were both up watching TV. I can't see the sofas, so who knows if they are alone or even sleeping. If there are both alone I almost wish they knew about each other. They ...

I have only told 2 friends that know I'm in MTL. E and Y.  E I met in university one afternoon when he was having a smoke outside and I was just there. He just started talking to me and that was the beginning of the end. I don't normally talk to strangers, it just felt right. 16 years later and we are still buds.  Y was on the plane with me in May 2001 when I moved to the UK. We didn't know each other. The final boarding call was made and oh shit! I was about to miss my plane. I ran as fast as I could and a few minutes later I see this guy zoom by with my university backpack. All I saw was his hair, bag, clothing and height. I just thought to myself, he seems cool. Wonder if he's on my flight. Low and behold he was... And sitting next to me too! We spoke for 7 hours and now it's 14 years later.  I sure do pick em!  I have only seen E so far and next week I'll catch up with Y.  They both call me several times a day and it's like I never l...

Wow! I'm home after 5 years but it feels like 20!  My dad has and will always be a character, even more so when he is in his own environment. When he visits me in London he is a little more mellow.  He absolutes adores his 3 kids, me, my sis and bro. The fact that we are old doesn't change a thing. He treats me the same way I was when I was 16. I think when I'm with my dad, I feel like I'm 16. A few things have changed but nothing major. I arrived at 21:00 and now it's 23:00. I've had a snoop amongst my things and opened a box that kept important things.  I love this note, it sums the man up.  The next pic is one of the many funny conversations I will have with him while I am here. He has way too much stuff (so do I, it's a bad trait I've got from him) and so when I'm here I try and help him. I don't have to do very much other than tell him what to do. I must sound so bossy but he just does what we ask him to do. So this e...

Well! I went to see the doc today and got my results from my blood test last week. Not great really. There are 2 things that are still elevated and further investigation is needed. I have now been referred to the medicine department at my local NHS hospital. I’m hoping that in January I will have my appointment. For w omen under 50 years old, the level should be less than 20 mm/hr. In July mine was 26 and now its 36. Not great On a positive it explains why I’m still not feeling fab. I told the GP that I’m really stressed and will it affect my blood. The plan is to rest rest, rest, while I’m not at work. Now why am I stressed you ask? A new flat mate moved in on Wednesday. He appeared to have all his ducks in order although he forgot to mention he was an alcoholic! Trust me this realization has not been fun at all. I have asked him to go and he should be out soon! Todays sound track has been: Built on Glass by Chet Faker Sorry this is a s...

Have you ever woken up because your hand or arm is numb. Often because you or someone next to you is sleeping on it, and its feels a little dead. That’s happened to me a bunch of times in my life, a simple fix, reposition and go back to bed. I’ve now been up since 4am with throbbing aching legs. I have a feeling its going to be the final part of Abby Cadabby. I reckon once my legs stop hurting I’ll be better. At least that’s the plan. I took an anti inflammatory and it’s working now. Now I’m just awake with frustration. I wish I could change the leg pain to arm pain or some other body part, but no my legs! I love my legs, I always have. I love them for many, many reasons. If I were a poet I would write a poem called Ode to my legs. Seeing I’m not I’ll just tell you why I’m a fan of the ol’pins. This is no specific order. They have been good to me, I love walking more than anything and well they are the essential tool, they look good in dresses, shorts, skirts, you get the dri...

Did I get your attention? When you are inebriated the absurd thought of falling off the bog isn’t soo odd. Sadly a few weeks ago I did fall off the can but I wasn’t drunk I was ill/sick. Now after living here (UK) for so long the work sick means so many things. Sick: in the UK can refer to vomiting. Sick in North America means sick with a, cold, flu, and viral infection anything really Ill in the UK is more like the North American version of sick. For the purpose of this entry I feel I should find a name for this illness / sickness / nightmare / pain in the ass situation. Give me a sec, I thinking. I would like to just call it a fucking pain but it is a pain so let me come up with a better word.  When ever in doubt refer to Sesame Street. I’m going to pick a 2006 character that I don’t have any memories or affiliations with. Sorry Abby Cadabby…. I’m picking you So on October 16 th 2014 I woke up with Abby Cadaddy! I was feeling rough as fuck and my lymph nodes...

Alison is not a hugger, it's not her thing. We only ever hug if someone has died. Pretty much that is the truth. Hugs are not her thing.  Hugging is one thing, crying is another.  Neither of us cry very much at all. Almost never.  This morning I checked my Twitter that brought me to a YouTube video. I watched it in bed and burst into tears. Not a little trickle down my eyes but wet wet sobbing tears. I lost it. It's was like an explosion, unexpected and fast. I didn't cry for long and I was and still taken back by my emotions.  This morning, Alison woke up and also has an unexpected sob. It too, was fast and unexpected. Her sob relates to her utter frustration with a situation. We met this evening and had our regular  catchup chat. We both talked about our unexpected events from this morning etc.  As I left her this evening I suggested that we should hug, her reply was 'ok, but I'm afraid I might cry again.' I told her it's ok. We both held onto each other ...

I’ve had a lot of time on my own recently which means the thinking is on overdrive. Some of this is good because I need to make some very big, life alternating decisions. When I say life alternating, is just there is a split in the road and I need to decide which road I want to go down. I wish I could walk down each road and then decide which one is better. Do I leave my safe job that provides for me but doesn’t bring me any happiness or do I take the money (small redundancy package) and run! AKA find another job. Everyone that I have spoken to from the motherland (Canada) friends and family all think I should stay because of the perks, safety and security. My friends and the people that actually SEE me think I’m nuts to not leave. The money could tie me over until I find something else. Now here is down side of having an overly active imagination. Every time that I read a job advert I think to myself. Shit I could do that, I would be good at that. (and no… I’m not loo...

This evenings horrendous journey home has been made bearable by the following: (Do you hear a hint of seseame street there? You should) Some good old classic 80's tunes. In the air tonight by Phil Collins. Play it super loud and you won't be sorry. The drums bit just rocks. The other fine album that's keeping me company is the self titled album Benjamin Booker. Check it out.  I'm writing this on the iPhone and so I don't know how to add links. Just google it.  Oh! And I haven't told you. I didn't get Glastonbury tickets. I'm still distrait but I will find a way! I will, I will, I will Lxx 

Although I have not written much I've had so many thoughts that I have wanted to write down. I've stored them up. A lot of it has so do with what I have been thinking. It's like I'm actively monitoring what's going on in my head. Some of it is no change at all. I've been unhappy in my job for years... And when am I going to change that. Or more importantly, will I ever change it. It's quite easy for me to stay there until I'm 65, or better yet... I think I can now retire at 72. This is a tad bit depressing so I'll move on now. So! I have noticed that I think about love all the time every day. I think about the word, how often it is said, when did I see it last. What does it mean, how does it feel, when did I feel it last, who loves me, who do I love, have I ever been in love? You get the drift.  Listening to music as often as I do, I can't go few songs without someone or another singing about it. Sometimes I think to myself, why can't they si...

Right!! So let me tell what has been keeping me company for the last 11 weeks. Podcasts, podcasts and more podcasts. The first is the Vinyl café by Stuart McLean that I’ve mentioned briefly before. It’s a Canadian thing that has been around for 20 years yet I only discovered it when someone told me about it. Radio is my favourite medium so why not. In August I downloaded everything Vinyl Cafe podcast I could so I’m now officially up to date from all the broadcasts that go back to March. Stuart takes the show on the Canadian road so it is often broadcasted in towns around the country. It’s a show that comes in 3 parts. The music part, bands, music, self-explanatory. The story exchange where the public write true stories and one is picked and read out loud. And the last part is fictional story that is written by the narrator Stuart McLean. There are 4 main characters but as time you learn of their friends, family neighbours etc. Dave is the dad, Morley is his wife and his ...

Hello All, I have a new reader that found me on twitter… So I thought I better write. Plus every few days when I talk to Adam he reports back that he’s checked the blog and no entries. Best I write. I have missed you all, but I feel bad that I don’t have anything interesting to say. I have been just going through the motions. It’s not the best way to live but I am aware so that’s a good start. I have said yes to every social gathering and that’s been good. The boys at work invite me to things, which is nice. I attend, even when it makes no sense at all. 2 weeks ago I went to all you can eat meat carnivore restaurant. As a veggie is was not the best but they are a bunch of good hearts so it was worth it. So in honour of the people I know and their funny stories and comments I will share a few of them with you. Some are just one liners but they make me chuckle. This one is from Matt. I asked him if he likes his new smart phone? His reply was, ‘It’s like a new cock....

This entry is for Adam... Who was waiting to be named dropped :-) So folks it's been a few days now since I wrote last.  Most days and moments are not too bad. Some are even very good.  Today's had been interesting. I'm now entering the stage of anger when it comes to grief. All I want to do is kick some ass or tell people where to go. On a twisted positive note, the deep sadness is going although of course there will be a part that that will always stay.  A colleague really annoyed me and man did I want to tell them where to go. But I didn't because I'm better than them. Some people have nothing better to do with their life than to sweat the small stuff. I actually just feel sorry for this person, however they made a bad decision today. I've cut my ties. What else, I've been so lucky with all the people that have been texting and emailing me. I shouldn't use this blog to brag constantly but I can't help myself.  The smaller the gesture the bigger it...

Things are better. I'm starting to feel like me again. I haven't cried since Monday and I'm taking good care of me. My friends have also been great, lots of nice texts etc. My yoga teacher even called me yesterday. I'm a lucky ducky. I'm just focusing on all the good now. None of us know what's going to happen from one minute to the next but we can always hope.  Dream big. I've always been a dreamer. I live and function well in a very realistic world but that's never stopped the dreaming.  What else have I been doing. I'm taking a break from reading the papers (all of them) and watching the news. Normally I like to be clued up with what is happening around me and other parts of the world. However reality often bites so I can live without it for a bit. When BBC question time is back on I'll start watching it again. It's too good to miss. Oh another thing. In the last few weeks a Canadian told me about a podcast called Vinyl Cafe Stories from C...

The first thing was trying to get Tuesday off. One quick text and success! I don't need to be in until Wednesday. A nice short work week.  The day started off well, I carried on sorting and chucking out things I don't need. I have a few piles going on.  Bin, skip, charity and eBay. I'm hoping the eBay stuff will sell well and go towards debts.  I'm being a good Mary Poppins when the sadness hits me again like a wave. It freaks me out how quickly it comes. I've mourned many before but it's never been like this. Boom! Out of nowhere I'm crying. I pull myself together and decide I need to talk to someone who knows me. Someone who knows that I'm a happy person, not a sad one. I called Steph in Italy.  When you've known someone since the age of 7, all you need to say is 'Hey' and they know. I told her about Mark and cried about other things. We discussed my family. Steph knows them and their situations. When ever I cry it's for a mix of anythi...

I woke up at 6:45am on Sunday. Slapped on some clothing and headed out. I was meeting Alison for breakfast and I wanted and needed a walk. I have mentioned this many times before but walking is my drug. Some people, smoke, drink, take drugs. I walk.  I also find nature really healing and soothing. Being outside just does it for me. Not sure of its a Canadian thing or not, but I couldn't live without it.  I walked through the beautiful woods and then my favourite park all the way to hospital where she had finished a night shift. Some pic's of my journey:  The woods The park  Check out the view... London in the background :-) perfection We then made our way to Cafe Rouge for breakfast. We were there for about 2 hours and I'm surprised how I now have the ability to cry. I could never cry. It was strange, for years the tears were stuck somewhere. Well folks, they aren't stuck anymore. I spoke, cried and ate. She was very good. It's wasn't messy, I'm not a messy...

By the time I finish typing this entry it would have been Mark’s 44  birthday. He was born on 24/08/1970… but we buried his body yesterday. It’s been a really hard week for me, lots of things… silly stupid things. How about this, I was told I was dressed too casually at work on Monday. I’m still pissed off about this. I was wearing a Ralph Lauren cable knit jumper, nice trousers and suede camper boots. I was told off a few days later. Well my official answer is fuck off! I was cold, I had only come back from Portugal a few days later… Sometimes I just need a break. But onto more serious things… I have been waiting for the funeral since the minute I found out he died. Funerals are difficult, but for me it’s the only way that it really clicks. Mark is not coming back, its breaks my heart. On Friday I had a little cry on my bed after having my shower. Its funny what set me off, it almost sounds selfish. Let me explain. I choose my friends well, really well. It...