Soundtrack: Stephen Wilson Jr.
Location: Bed
The last time I wrote, Mr.Dimples asked if writing is a bit like therapy, does it help me, is it cathartic. The answer is yes, but it’s also hard. That’s the biggest reason so many days have passed since the last blog entry.
Coach Renee is back in my life. Thank God for that. I missed her so much. I only have 2 more sessions with her which is not great. Coaching isn’t like therapy where you just pay for your session. Coaches tend to sell their services as packages where you pay upfront. I’m going to manifest a load of cash. Everything will work out in the end. Sometimes there is a gap between our container packages so let’s see.
I did just pay for the complete first year of my 3 year homeopathy course that starts later this month. It couldn’t come soon enough. I need to get my head into something soon. Bad things could happen if I don’t.
Let’s explain what bad things are. In the last few days I have done extensive research into a 14 or 21 day Ayurvedic Panchkarma Detox and weight loss retreat. I also looked at flights and spoke to one of the Indian doctors in Kerala. I’m fucking fed up of being sick. I almost booked but I didn’t.
Then I decided that the Batmobile will eventually die and I’ll need a new one. My beloved banger on a car is 18 years old. If you listen to Dave Ramsey he would say, drive the banger until she’s well and truly dead. That’s likely to be the plan but I did waste hours of my life researching the next car. I want a compact SUV that is super small. I’m also opposed to driving a battery. No electric or hybrid cars for me. No thanks. I also would like a car that’s not a computer. I would love to buy a classic car. That feels difficult in the UK. Maybe one day if I’m living in North America again. Let’s see where the universe takes me. For now the eventual UK car will be a Volkswagen T Cross. It’s only 11 cm longer than the current Batmobile. I was then about to get a loan because I found a good second-hand one. Thankfully I paused that.
Then I decided that I need a dog. I also paused that.
People! Can you see the trend? Can you? I need a fucking life. Like now!!! I’m also in a deeply avoidant stage where I have a list longer than my arms and I’m doing SFA. ( I love that saving, you just don’t hear it much more in the UK. Sweet Fuck All)
Ok! Let’s give me some grace. I’ve been though the trenches, you have NO idea how the family (mom and sister) visit really did fuck me up. I know better but these things keep on happening. Before I go into it, take a look at this instagram post.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Db8EM3ooBp2/?stkn=aWM4Nm5ka3NtMGFt
This post is me. Every single word is me.
Let’s get into the crap and rewind back to September. My uncle died on the Friday and I took the following week off sick. This was not due to his death. It was the dire cough and serious pain from the antibiotics. The next week I took off as leave. Again partly some of this was planned months ago with Stonehenge and then my mom and sister were in town so I took more time off.
This week just gone has had more time off. Some as leave, some as urgent leave. None of this is good but I’ve been falling apart.
On the Wednesday I had a terrible migraine that was just getting worse, then the abdominal pain. By the end of the day I knew I needed to take the following day off as leave. More on Wednesday. I had my coaching call at 17:00 for an hour. After that I kept on vomiting until there was nothing left but bile. (Side note: even as a young child I was using the word bile when it came to vomiting. Thank heavens I’ve never been bulimic but vomiting for me normally only concludes in bile. Sucks to be me. I’m sure normal people just puke and it stops there. And yes.. I know there is no such thing as normal. As I’m writing this, this commenting stuff has to do with childhood trauma.)
Ok so while I’m trying to talk to Renee, I’m in major pain, and I’m telling her that I’ll vomit as soon as I’m done taking to her. That was exactly what happened. We spent the majority of the call talking about seeing my sister and mom. She was able to tell me that I was in an active trauma response. Only when she said that did it dawn on me. In the past when things are bad, really, really bad, I will cry so much that I hyperventilate badly. Colleagues have threatened to call an ambulance in the past. Anyways. Maybe vomiting due to severe migraine pain is my new unraveling. Let’s not focus too much on this as I really want this god damn chapter of my life to be over. I’m done, done, done. I told Renee this at the beginning of the call. I’m so done. Let go and let God. That’s it, that’s all.
When I spoke to her I recounted a few things which I included in the previous entry. Here are more things that happened that have had an impact on my wellbeing. Again I have the awareness that I’m allowing myself to be triggered and I continue to do the work. At the same time, I’m a human, there is still little girl who has been hurt.
The following stories may sound strange to you, you may get it, or you make just think to yourself that I’m a girl that cries over spilt milk.
Quick background, I grew up in Quebec. Maple Syrup is a big thing. Not just St Canadian maple syrup, but local mom and pops places that can maple syrup in an actual can like tomatoes. When I saw the Fam in May 2026 I asked for some organic maple syrup. Even asking for that was a big deal. My mom sent me a picture of Costco maple syrup. I said no thanks and told her I can get that here in the UK. It’s exactly the same as what you can get in Costco Canada. Canadian maple syrup in a plastic jug style container. I want provincial maple syrup from my province. I eventually got my maple syrup.
Fast forward to last week. The eldest daughter of the deceased has decided to go vegan for a year. She was veggie before. This decision is in honour of her father. How about this, while I’m in my home, my sister texts me from aunts place where she is with the daughter I’ve just mentioned.
Here is the text.
When I read it, it felt like someone had just snatched my Christmas present out of my lap. That’s the feeling. This is trauma being triggered. It’s not about maple syrup.
You have to also remember that my family are shit at getting me anything at all for my birthday or Christmas. Nothing. No gift, no card. Zip. They call me and that’s it.
Here is my reply.
Let’s move onto Bagles. It’s not about bagels itself, it’s the gesture. The caring. My mom goes and buys 24 or 30 bagels. 4 or 5 bags containing 6. (Montreal Bagels are like NYC bagels. So good and you can’t really find them anywhere else to taste the same way). While I’m upstairs with her in the bedroom she tells me that I can grab some bagels from the kitchen. My mouth dropped and I said, absolutely not. You will give me bagels if you wish to. Once we were down there, she proceeded to ask me how many I wanted. She transferred 3 into a bag and asked how many I wanted. I just looked at her and said it’s her decision. She gave me one more. - please tell how at my very old age I’m talking about bagels. Hopefully you get it. It’s not about the bagel. It’s about the love that I continue to not get from her. It’s also about me leaning and understanding my wounds and how to still live an amazing life.
Life right now feels far from amazing but I pray hard that it will change soon for the better.
Last one. The story is convoluted and fucked up. I can’t even begin to go into it and explain but here is a brief missing lots of parts. In March 2023 I was on a family holiday where we rented several cottages. My mom was not there. My aunts treated me badly and I told my mom once the weekend was over. She completely overreacted and then sent a series of texts that have caused HUGE repercussions. For the first time in the history of her and her siblings, some were no longer talking to one another. This caused me lots of heartache too, I mean I know it’s not my fault but still. It was shit. It was so shit that the family have not had a large get-together since other than funerals.
Ok - you’re caught up.
On the Sunday I was having breakfast at a local restaurant with my mom and sister. My mom treated her 2 daughters which was nice. We were about to leave and head to the next destination when she said that she wanted to see her eldest sister who is less than 2 miles away from me. So I drove us there for a short 30-minute visit. Whilst there my mom was massively apologising to her so sister in person. Conversations had happened on the phone in the last year. None of this conversation was in English, but sentiments were said such as, water under the bridge, I never meant to hurt you, there is no malice etc.
I’m just there thinking to myself. When is anyone going to apologise to me. The entire squabble had absolutely nothing to do with me other than my mom involving me in the texts etc. She will always be oblivious to what she has done.
Time to wrap things up. I have slacked on the morning pages. Let me get back to that tomorrow. I need to release lots and then burn the papers.
I’ve also booked a massage tomorrow because I want to feel better. My muscles are sooo sore.
Lastly I was making jokes (mentally with myself). Things are bad when I’m resorting to going to the movies to see a movie with Brad Pitt and a dog. Actually it was a great film. Go see Heart of the Beast
And if you’re wondering. I would say I’m a Brad Pitt girl vs Leonardo DiCaprio though I think they are both excellent actors
