By the time I finish typing this entry it would have been Mark’s 44 birthday. He was born on 24/08/1970… but we buried his body yesterday.
It’s been a really hard week for me, lots of things… silly stupid things. How about this, I was told I was dressed too casually at work on Monday. I’m still pissed off about this. I was wearing a Ralph Lauren cable knit jumper, nice trousers and suede camper boots. I was told off a few days later. Well my official answer is fuck off! I was cold, I had only come back from Portugal a few days later… Sometimes I just need a break.
But onto more serious things… I have been waiting for the funeral since the minute I found out he died. Funerals are difficult, but for me it’s the only way that it really clicks. Mark is not coming back, its breaks my heart. On Friday I had a little cry on my bed after having my shower. Its funny what set me off, it almost sounds selfish.
Let me explain. I choose my friends well, really well. It doesn’t matter if they are female or male, single or not. I am very comfortable telling them I love them. They get it, and I get. Its not romantic love, but its love and well, you cant beat love. I loved Mark, and he loved me back. I’m never going to hear it back from him again.
I eventually got my act together, got dressed and set off. I think I looked pretty good. For his sake I dressed up. In the last few years when ever he came over on the odd evening to say hi I was in my pj’s, so this time I wore a dress. Traffic was a fucker and I’m not a fan of the A1. I’m a M1 girl.
His funeral was in a really quaint English village, beautiful but too far from London in my opinion. From the minute I parked the car my legs were shaking. I went to the funeral on my own. Alison offered to come but I’m a big girl. I know when I need people, and I was going to be ok. About a second after I parked Mark’s brother parked his car behind me. I wasn’t even out of the car and he waved.
I won’t go through all the step by steps but his family were soooo nice. They treated my like family. I spoke to his 13 year old and told her how amazing her dad was. I’m sending her a card with my details for the times when she might want to hear stories about him etc. If ever you were lucky enough to know him its clear that he came from good stock. It was nice to meet his stock.
Let me give you a quick Leena moment. When I was introduced to his mom the first thing that just blurted from my mouth was Oh my God, you’re so young! This lady looks good, she popped out 5 kids in her days and is now about bury her second oldest son. Its tragic but some compliments need to be shared in life. – everyone, go give a compliment.
Mark was having chest pains towards the end of 2013. I offered to go with him for his tests but he went with his mate and colleague Eddie. Although I had never met Eddie either, I made it a point to find out who he was and introduce him to Marks folks. They had some moments together after the funeral.
I got to speak to Eddie later, it’s strange when you try to piece together someone’s final moments. Mark was guy, simple in someways and very complex in others. He trusted me, he really did. This is clear now more than ever as I know how he really was feeling. I had been worried about him for a while. He had gone on holiday a few weeks before and I didn’t know. During this time, I thought him going AWOL, was him checking out. I was wrong about the AWOL as he was on holiday. Sadly I was not wrong about the checking out early part.
The police / coroner inquest will be in February 2015 and his family are happy for me to attend, I want to see how they are, as much as to find out what happened. He had only recently been put on meds for sleeping and depression and they had been adjusted a few days before. I think I just want to find someone to blame. If you knew him, you would know that what happened to him, shouldn’t have.
(a little side note. I’ve spent some time recently with a healthy eater who has got me back onto the healthy road. I re watched FoodMatters. Do you know that 2 handfuls of cashew nuts is the same as Prozac. And the vitamin Niacin or vitamin B3 in high dosages can help with depression too) Man… I wish he knew about this.
I’m going to sign off. It’s sinking in slowly. I’m going to bake something tomorrow. I’m good at baking and I enjoy it. Maybe I’ll make some peanut butter cookies or some yummy banana muffins. Oh and that special taste that you are wondering about, its my tears.
Its midnight now… Happy Birthday my fellow Virgo. I love you and miss you lots xxx