The Power of Parting by Eamon Dolan

Other title options for today were:

Am I the bad guy?

Blood is thicker than water - BS

Action Speak Louder than words. 

Soundtrack: I’m your puppet. Duet version with Paul Young and Elton John. 1993 (there is a story behind this)

It’s Tuesday and I’m on the bus, I’m going to tray and recap things from the middle of the night on Sunday. 

I woke up suddenly in what would be described as a cold sweat but I never sweat and I’m always cold. It’s now week 2 of 2 where my mother is in England and I’m not seeing her. The reasons are long. Read this blog. I then panicked and thought, am I being cruel, what will the extended family say, what is she telling them when they ask why she’s not with me. I was spiralling out when I thought maybe I need to cut off my aunts who I like, some of them even love me.  Lots of feelings pouring in, also the fact that people generally just talk about the good stuff. Not parents that don’t hit the mark. 

I then decided that I needed reassurance of my own feelings, validation of my own very lived experiences. I have decades of examples of how damn hard I’ve tried. So at 2 or 3 am I went to google and asked for a book on family estrangement or parental estrangement. Then God brought me Eamon Dolan. His New York Times article came up first. I jumped down to the comments and read so many from judging people who don’t get it, and many from others that have made the decision that I’ve made. Then I sound his audio book on Spotify Premium (you get 16 hours a month of free book listening and most people don’t know that), and so it began. 

In the first 15 minutes ish introduction he validated so much for me. I have the paperback version coming to me in the post (another Vinted buy). Until I have the book I’ll try and recap what he said in that intro. He was abused for 10 years, roughly 3 times a week, it only stopped when he became too old to physically abuse  by his mother. He goes onto to explain other kinds of abuse and the biggest one and most unidentified is neglect by abandonment, ignoring and the silent treatment. Folks that’s me!

I set the audiobook on timer so I then slept a bit but still woke up on Monday morning with a migraine. Migraines are now a daily thing but I’m working on it. 

The entire book is 8.5 hours, which is nothing for me, I can easily get though that in a day. But this book is sooo good that I’m listening in chunks. When I’m eating breakfast, making lunch and dinner, evening stroll. (Yes I left the f’ing house after 3 days!).

The amount of times that he, the author Eamon gives examples of my lived experiences is crazy. 

(I’m now standing waiting for the train and trying to decide if it’s helpful or not for me to give examples here. Do I need to? Is that me trying to validate and justify my wounds and decisions?)

What I know for sure folks is if I met this man  I would tell him that I love him. I would give him an awkwardly long hug and thank him. 

Once I finish the book I’m also planning on suggesting to the principal of my new homeopathy school. I think this book could be so helpful for people who might find themselves in similar situations. 

There is a whole section in the book about making rules for the abuser to try and abide by before it goes to full estrangement. 

That’s where I have failed. I did not give my mother instructions guidelines before the September encounter. Was that my bad, or did she slip right back in her default settings. 

Prior to the September visit, I saw her in May on the family cruise. We were all very clear with what we wanted from one another and what we would not put up with. 

Who knows, it’s done now. 

I don’t even know if a 2027 family holiday will happen or not. I doubt a Safari trip to Africa is still on the cards. I’m privileged and fortunate to say I’ve done that once in my life and it was heavily. I know in my core that I’ll go again, but make that will be with my husband and the family that I create / find one day. 

I think the best option is a 7 to 10 day cruise. The price covers loads and you have the freedom to do things together and also alone. 

A few hours later. 

Isn’t time the most magical fast and slow healer. I almost can’t be bothered to talk about the ‘shit’. There will be a day when I’m well and truly done with it.

Time to upload.

Oh and the musical soundtrack has to do with crazy dreams. It all has to do with mother stuff and my childhood. I can’t remember any of this. Well known trauma trait mentioned in the book. 

However in my dream last night, the Duets CD was being placed. This was 1993/1994. We owned it. My dad had signed us up to a CD 💿 mail ✉️ order service. We got wired and wonderful things in the mail. 

My musical taste grew with age. Back then it was bad, Michale Bolton, Rick Astley and more. 

The pre CD phase was better, my mom would buy vinyl. It’s funny how much she lost herself along the way. 

I’ll end this by listening to Boy George and the Culture Club 

Oh and when it comes to alternative titles for this blog. The fact that mom would repeatedly say blood is thicker than water. 

I would say, not in my life.