Horrible

​It’s late and I would attempt sleep but all these thoughts would ramble in my head so why not ramble on paper. 

This day has been full. The last 2 days have been full. 

Most important things on the last 2 days is that I’m going back to Worthy Farm in June. You heard that right, I got tickets to the Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Preforming Arts aka Glasto! I woke up on Sunday morning and knew it was going to happen. Even as I was typing the details I was shaking. This is known phenomenon for people that are lucky enough to get tickets in the ballot. There will be moi, Ms. Steiner and Mr.Richmond’s first time there.

I’m also renewing with Renee! It was always going to happen but I’ve jigged things with the help of the universe to make it happen. 

Today, Monday I booked my hotel to see Stonehenge again in March 2027. It’s really fun seeing the stones up close and personal. Also I’ll head to Glastonbury town again too. My aunt and uncle (UBM and BM) will probably be joining me too. They like me… unlike my mother who repeatedly told me how horrible I am. 

I suppose we should go into that, as that’s the name of today’s entry. I wish that while I was on the phone with her, I had one of those number counter, clicker things. I did write down some of her vitriol. She said how horrible and terrible I was at least 5 times. 

Recap of why we even had to speak. She will be in the UK on 25th. A plan was made where I would see her for part 1 with her family, part 2 is I work and she is with her family without me, part 3 is the 2 of us together alone. Then her sister recently became widowed so now it was going to be more of sisters gathering, though not confirmed. Today I called the aunt that related to part 2 where my mom was going to stay with her. Plans have changed as this sister is now going on a cruise with widowed sister (better to buy travel insurance). This leaves me stuffed as there are no babysitters and I can’t do it. 

Here is the brilliance from coach Renee. If only I listened:

I think explaining anything to your mother is pointless. 

She will not respond or reflect how you need nor will she ever. Her trajectory in this lifetime is not to heal or resolve. It is however your trajectory and no greater task than to heal yourself without the abuser taking responsibility.  

We are going to work on this on Wednesday and through the close of your sessions. This will give you the support for the scheduled visit. 

You sound better today.

Continue self nurturing 🤍🤍

• Yikes! Why didn’t I listen. 

So I call my mom to explain that her sisters are away so another plan needs to be made. I proceeded to explain that the last visit less than 10 days ago was not good for me. The silent treatment doesn’t work, nor does playing a game on her iPhone when I sitting right next to her. We have not lived in the same town or country for 29 years. Either you want to catch up with me or take a hike, better yet.. let me take the hike. 

I also called her out on the fact that she asked my uncle to join us for a quick shopping trip but she told me that he asked if he could come. (Playing things off against each other) She is unable to be in the same space as me. 

Anyhow, I tell her that she needs to have a think about what she wants to do when she is here etc. I leave it there and get off the phone. 

She calls me back 20 minutes lasted as she has now gathered her thoughts. 

She proceeded to rant and jump all over the place. She has undiagnosed ADD. She tells me how horrible I am to her, how everyone notices it. None of them (her family) understand why my mom puts up with it (me). 

She then rehashed 2023 when she was so ill while she was with me. 

Let’s me clear folks. I have lived in the UK for 25 years. My mom has come to see me once - to see me. This was when I was going to be admitted into the hospital as I was so sick in 2014.

Every other visit / trip has been an add on to her other plans. Remember 95% of her blood relatives are all in the UK. Family weddings and deaths. My mom also travels and goes on holiday with them. Because the majority of them are here, can you guess where the holiday or flight originates from. Yep! That’s would be right. That’s the UK.

In 2023 she is in Bali and picks up a bug, she re hashed how sick she was and how I went off on my own. I actually went to Bath on the mother daughter weekend when she bailed. Chilling with me in a nice hotel wasn’t an option for her I guess?

On today’s call, she spoke about parking fees, how terrible it was that I suggest an uber last week, how horrible I am etc etc etc. She then proceeded to say that I’m just like my dad. According to her, I have leaned by observing their terrible marriage. She said, “I did all the cooking and cleaning, so that’s what you expect from me!”. She is rehashing how she helped me tidy and rearrange things in my house about 15 years ago. 

I guess helping your kid sort out their home is too much. 

She then said that now, because she refuses to help me with “ cooking and cleaning” I now resent her. 

She has a very interesting brain 🧠. In some homes, a parent will cook a favourite dish for their child. Not this house. Hell no! That would bring back marriage trauma. 

You want to know what else is fucked up. Sometimes she still brings food to dementia dad. Go figure 

She was on a tangent, wax lyrical, non stop. 

Somewhere she says, really I should just change my flight but that will cost. I told her that I think that’s is the best idea. I ended the call with stressing it’s the best thing. 

She then called me back but I’d did not take the call. 

Then I get a text: 

Hi Leena, I left you a message

I will come as planned and we can go to Loughborough and I don’t want to invite (eldest) auntie or anybody else. 

We can spend time in loughborough and Leicester and I will come to your house on Friday and go for meal as planned and I will on Saturday morning for Heathrow. 

Let me know if this works for you?

I won’t and can’t respond. Don’t fret, she can add that to the list of my horribleness