The way it is according to moi

Things are better. I'm starting to feel like me again. I haven't cried since Monday and I'm taking good care of me. My friends have also been great, lots of nice texts etc. My yoga teacher even called me yesterday. I'm a lucky ducky. I'm just focusing on all the good now. None of us know what's going to happen from one minute to the next but we can always hope.  Dream big. I've always been a dreamer. I live and function well in a very realistic world but that's never stopped the dreaming.  What else have I been doing. I'm taking a break from reading the papers (all of them) and watching the news. Normally I like to be clued up with what is happening around me and other parts of the world. However reality often bites so I can live without it for a bit. When BBC question time is back on I'll start watching it again. It's too good to miss. Oh another thing. In the last few weeks a Canadian told me about a podcast called Vinyl Cafe Stories from C...

The first thing was trying to get Tuesday off. One quick text and success! I don't need to be in until Wednesday. A nice short work week.  The day started off well, I carried on sorting and chucking out things I don't need. I have a few piles going on.  Bin, skip, charity and eBay. I'm hoping the eBay stuff will sell well and go towards debts.  I'm being a good Mary Poppins when the sadness hits me again like a wave. It freaks me out how quickly it comes. I've mourned many before but it's never been like this. Boom! Out of nowhere I'm crying. I pull myself together and decide I need to talk to someone who knows me. Someone who knows that I'm a happy person, not a sad one. I called Steph in Italy.  When you've known someone since the age of 7, all you need to say is 'Hey' and they know. I told her about Mark and cried about other things. We discussed my family. Steph knows them and their situations. When ever I cry it's for a mix of anythi...

I woke up at 6:45am on Sunday. Slapped on some clothing and headed out. I was meeting Alison for breakfast and I wanted and needed a walk. I have mentioned this many times before but walking is my drug. Some people, smoke, drink, take drugs. I walk.  I also find nature really healing and soothing. Being outside just does it for me. Not sure of its a Canadian thing or not, but I couldn't live without it.  I walked through the beautiful woods and then my favourite park all the way to hospital where she had finished a night shift. Some pic's of my journey:  The woods The park  Check out the view... London in the background :-) perfection We then made our way to Cafe Rouge for breakfast. We were there for about 2 hours and I'm surprised how I now have the ability to cry. I could never cry. It was strange, for years the tears were stuck somewhere. Well folks, they aren't stuck anymore. I spoke, cried and ate. She was very good. It's wasn't messy, I'm not a messy...

By the time I finish typing this entry it would have been Mark’s 44  birthday. He was born on 24/08/1970… but we buried his body yesterday. It’s been a really hard week for me, lots of things… silly stupid things. How about this, I was told I was dressed too casually at work on Monday. I’m still pissed off about this. I was wearing a Ralph Lauren cable knit jumper, nice trousers and suede camper boots. I was told off a few days later. Well my official answer is fuck off! I was cold, I had only come back from Portugal a few days later… Sometimes I just need a break. But onto more serious things… I have been waiting for the funeral since the minute I found out he died. Funerals are difficult, but for me it’s the only way that it really clicks. Mark is not coming back, its breaks my heart. On Friday I had a little cry on my bed after having my shower. Its funny what set me off, it almost sounds selfish. Let me explain. I choose my friends well, really well. It...

I'm in my mid 30's and I'm averaging a funeral a year, sometimes 2 for the last decade or so.  Although cancer is a fucker. I almost get it. Suicide on the other hand is a lot harder to digest. You'll know from previous entries that suicide is not new to me. ( I always like to point out. Not me but other people I know. Some quite close to me) Well this evening after yoga I came back to my room to a bunch of calls from Alison. Calls, texts, Whatsap and Viber. Although the 2 of us are very different we are also very much the same. We are, each other's people. This doesn't mean we talk daily or see each other. We just know where to find each other etc. When ever we are on holiday we leave the other alone and have very little contact. If we do, it's always initiated by the one who is away. It's their time away. So when I saw she tried to reach me that many times I knew something was up.  I called her and established immediately that she is ok. Th...

So folks, I made it through my first day. I was clock watching in both sessions but these things happen. I have a feeling my legs will kill tomorrow.  I don't have much to report so here are a few photos from yesterday.  Tomorrow C and I will stay on site again and play some pool games. Funny how 'catch' with a ball is still enjoyable. You don't need lots to have fun. Oh, this reminds me of a great documentary. I might have blogged about it years ago. If I hadn't... Then I should have. It's called Babies and it was made in 2010. A look at one year in the life of four babies from around the world, from Mongolia to Namibia to San Francisco to Toyko.  You should all see it because all kids want the same thing despite where they are from. There is a scene where the babies from Namibia are playing with stones to keep them happy and the baby in San Fran had a million toys and isn't all that's pleased. Too many options, little brain.  I ...

 It's 3 am and I can't sleep.  I'm now in the Algarve and in a few hours I need to do 2 hours of yoga... and 5 hours after that! I need to do another 2 hours! This last year has been so busy and I've only managed to attend 2 weekly classes. The next week will be interesting! Charlotte and I had a lovely day today at the beach. We started the day off at Praia de Falésia. The beach of the cliffs or something like that. Really beautiful red sandy cliffs. I took a few photos on Charlotte's phone so I'll post them once I get them. The water was quite cold and so I didn't last too long but it was good to be in the ocean. After that we napped, chatted, roasted and eventually went for a wander. There were a load of restaurants but you know those times when you want something simple. We found a cafe that made me a veggie baguette and C had a ham and cheese omelette. It's the simple things. After that we took our merry time walking, talking and sto...