My nervous system and hour later

​Well hay there, where have you been?

So I’ve just journaled, this will be my new thing. Do you know for the last 15 years people have been telling me to do this. Even when I’ve seen mediums, it’s one of the things they have said. 

Anyhow, I’m writing this from my second home. To be honest it feels like my primary residence, but it’s not. It’s a flat that belongs to a mate who lets me stay when he is away. He is away a lot. I’ve actually lost count now of how many times I’ve stayed. I even have my family meet me here for local walks and the rest. 

Tonight, I seem to have thrown my rattle. Or did I throw out the baby with the bath water. Whichever the saying is. I’ve behaved badly. I’ll probably have to explain myself later. 

The story, whenever I’m here, if it’s cold, all I need to do to move the mobile thermostat to the windowsill and then the heating kicks in. Tonight it didn’t and man have I been in a fucking panic. Now seriously Leena, get a grip. -1 is cold but I am indoors and it’s not -1 in here. Plus for heaven’s sakes you’re Canadian. You lived through the 1996 ice storm. Even though I should have got a grip sooner, it took me an hour to connects the dots. (Dots coming soon)

In my hour of child like behaviour, I found the PDF of the thermostat but failed to get it to work. When it comes to instructions, there are some that just don’t work for me. It could also have to do with me bitching about digital and missing the analog Honeywell thermostat. 

Then I texted my plumber, he’s very good to me. I kinda fancy him, but alas he’s taken. We still hug when we see each other, but that’s ok. - diversion here. I realised I liked him when he was fixing the hot water tank. He was sitting on the floor and I was heading out. I went over to say bye to him and I put my hands through his hair. I’ve never done that to a stranger before. Back to today, He texted back with a few options. I also hopefully managed to get the manual setting to work. It’s on now and it needs to stay on through the night. 

Now for the pathetic mess. The gracious friend who’s given me his house, is in the Netherlands at the moment, for a family funeral. He is also with his siblings who I knew he doesn’t see that often. 

I should not have texted. The first was a picture of the thermostat saying I have a problem. The next was the PDF of the user manual. The 3 (shameful) is this photo.

With this caption:

Where big baby Leena is sitting for a bit. 🤏 

Sorry for being a child. I can handle almost anything in life including death. 

Cold on the other hand, I fail miserably. (Side note: every flat in this block has 1 central radiator in the hall that is on and warm - all the others are part of the flat)

Let’s recap what a year of coaching has done, on foundations of therapy, EMDR and hundreds of hours of books and podcasts. 

So! We all have childhood wounds that are the route of most of our triggers. My 2 biggies are the injustice wound and the abandonment wound. This can include self abandonment. 

So the first text is really me feeling an injustice that I’m cold and that the heating is supposed to work. 

The next text with the PDF manual is the child in me wanting a parent to say, well done 👏 for trying to get it to work. 

The third text is total attention seeking and linked to being heavily ignored by my primary caregivers.

(Go read books on attachment, bonding etc. read John Bowlby and Mary Ainsily)

Now with growth and being a Virgo, I dissect  everything. Sometimes I’m quick and I can suss it out right away, without having a triggers on my nervous system. Sometimes there is a delay. 

So in that hour, my nervous systems goes into non sensical panic. Remember, everything is tied to something else. 

I loosely mentioned this the 2025 posts about the lion. It was bad, really bad. When I was at the farm in 2024, there was no heat. No central heating. Just a wood burner that I couldn’t switch on. It was not a normal one, trust me. Once it was going I could feed it logs 🪵 but that was it. I froze at night. It was very cold in Massachusetts and I got sick. Very sick. The whole thing was shite and I flew home early. Within 4 hours of knowing I was abandoning all my worth by staying there, I boarded a BA flight ✈️ home. Let’s just say hallelujah 🙌 one more time. 

Fast forward to 2026. So even though this story is totally different, the body, the mind and the nervous system don’t know what’s happening. my genes 🧬, my cells have memory. They remember that terrible time. 

Now that I’m so (damn nearly) healed, I can tell my brain that everything is ok. I can even tell you!

Talk soon people

L xx

Should have declined the call

Holy fuckeroo! I wanted to end the month of May with other blog worthy topic but I had a call a few hours ago that I need to write about. 

From the last entry you’ll see that my dad was in the A&E with a UTI. Then the following week my sister was rushed to the A&E with a pseudo brain tumor. She had gone for a routine eye test and they saw something. Fast forward blood tests, CT scans, MRI, lumbar puncture, neurological doctors and more optometrists. She will survive! (she has Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension)

She can’t change her gender (let’s not go there), or her age, but she can change her weight and get to a healthy BMI. I have thoughts on that too but she is choosing to take meds with side effects while working on her weight.  Her body, her life, her decisions.

She’s been trying to help my dad pack. He moves out of his house of 30 years. I’ve declined flying across the pond. My bro who is 5 hours away has also opted no. So my sister and my father’s ex wife (aka my mother) have gone to help. 

Now remember my dad and all of my family are hard work. Good people but hard work. I jumped ship at 22 and this is how I’m still standing. (I moved across the pond). I’m not saying any of it is easy, however if you have been breathing on this plant. You will know that you can’t change people. You either accept it or walk. It’s as simple as that. Yes it’s all complicated and nuanced. Yes for every action there is a reaction. But you need to make a decision and accept it. Bitching and winging doesn’t help anyone. If you have to get it out, find a healthy way. Get a therapist, get a coach, move your body, find a sport, go into a sound booth and scream. (Write a blog post)

Side note: I personally scream with my kettle when it’s whistling. It’s super loud. Stainless steel stove top kettle. Plastic electric kettles are dangerous when it comes to Microplastics. 

So on Monday, the moving trucks arrive at my dad’s to move him to his assisted living flat. My sister and my mom were at his place today trying to do final things and then it went all wrong. It was the fault of my dad and my sister was starting to see white spots. The strong meds she is on, is to prevent blindness. So my mom decided that they should both leave and go back to their respective homes.

All of this is cool. I get it, there is jack shit I can do. 

However she calls to recount the whole story, bitch about him and call him an asshole. Side note.. can you imagine what the divorce was like. Having to listen to her for all of that. 

Not my fucking problem. Don’t have kids or in my case… it’s too late so just leave me alone. I’m going to have to go back to not taking calls.

The brain is such a mystery, the entire time she was talking, I was super numb. It’s like I checked out and walked away. I was listening but there is no emotion. Now I use my energy, time and effort on staying regulated. I did a good job. I was deregulated for most of my life. 

Laters 👋 

That was tough

This weekend was not easy. On Friday, I had found out that a family friend had passed away at 61. The day was an opportunity to visit the family at a community hall and pay your respects and condolences. It’s almost 3 hours away from me but I knew I wanted to go. 

I’ve had a spiritual teacher for many years and prior to having a mortgage, I travelled a lot. I would go to speaking events on the topic of inner peace and there would be all the same familiar faces. This man and his wife were part of the group. Everyone is so happy and joyful, we would often stay in the same hotels, share cabs, meals, smiles, hugs and say see you at the next one. 

My faithful blog readers know that I have been through a lot. Even looking at me and smiling is very BIG in my world. We all need to be seen, and this is one of my biggest childhood wounds. (Thank you coach for teaching me and helping me connect the dots). For the 2025 parents out there who are hiding behind their phones when their child is with them. Just stop. Anyhow so I’m talking to the deceased man’s kids, maybe they are in their late 20’s. I didn’t have much to say other than I’m so sorry and your dad was so nice to me. He was so nice to everyone. I’m talking to them and tears are rolling down my cheeks, just as they are now. I have never even met his kids let alone seen him in years. My aunts and uncles who are his age saw him much more and so I was with them during the visit. 

Then there is the cat. So I have always been afraid of animals, I like them but don’t go close, touch them, stroke them etc. This fear came from my mom, maybe my dad, too. However, I moved countries at 22. Now, when I’m driving in the countryside and I see sheep and cows. I’ll stop the car if it’s safe and talk to the animals, This has been going on for at least 15 years. If friends have dogs, they have become friends. Cats less so. For ages, I would say that they are snakes on legs. It’s just that they can appear out of nowhere. 

Last year after many years of the cat next door living there, he warmed up to us (housemate and I) and vice versa. 

During my heartbreak re the Lion. The cast would sit with me for hours. He (cat) mostly just sleeps, that’s what cats do, especially old ones. Our home is safe so he can really let go and not have to nap outside with one eye open.

Yesterday he was really sick, there was pain in his eyes, and no energy. It was scary because we didn’t want him to pass in the night outside. His owners didn’t even bring him in etc. 

So I said to my housemate. Some creatures, including humans, who want to die alone. The number of stories where the families have just left the hospice the person dies is countless. And then there are others, that don’t want to be alone. They are scared. That is the cat, that is my dad. ( we will get to Dad shortly). So the cat slept through the night next to the housemate in his room. This morning housemate and I confirmed that neither of us slept. Monsieur cat is alive, slightly less lethargic and out of the house (albeit the fact that he is on the mat literally outside the front door)

(Pause to apply conditioner- yep this entry is from the office / my bathtub)

Now, let’s get to my dad. I’m already upset about recent bereavement and cat. Then I find out from my sister that her and my mom (sister doesn’t drive) are bringing my dad to the A&E / ER on Sunday night with a suspected UTI. What I find sad is my sister would not wait with him in the waiting room. I know my dad has brought so much trauma upon us but he’s not going to have an outburst in the waiting room. Plus he is majorly showing signs of dementia. Am I being unreasonable when I think it’s sad that she won’t stay with him. There is zero point going into it with my family. All I said was he would wait with us for all of the emergency visits. He did have 3 kids. Her response was, he’s the parent. There is truth to that too. 

Anyhow, he left the hospital after 1am and another patient in the waiting room ordered pizza and gave my dad 2 slices. My dad offered her money and she said no. That’s the man that he is. 

Both my parents are not bad people. Just deeply wounded. 

I’m crying again. Maybe it’s going to be one of those days. It’s also a full moon and my period is due

TTYL

Erin Napier - my favourite celebrity mom

So it’s Mother’s Day in North America. Personally it’s a total bullshit day, just the same as father’s day and Valentine’s Day. Do we really need a commercial day to celebrate mothers, father’s, caregivers and love. At the same time, I’m all about celebrating the people that feel like parents to me. I think I tell those people often, they know who they are. 

So I would like to dedicate this blog entry to what I think a good mother looks like. I’m picking a celebrity mom that I adore. 

The trophy for good parenting and a healthy loving relationship goes to Erin Napier and her husband Ben. HGTV is my favourite TV channel and Home Town is my favourite show which is hosted by Erin and Ben. One day I’m going to go visit Laurel Mississippi where the show is based and I’ll stay at The Heirloom Hotel. 

Let’s get back to Erin. Here is an interview with her and her husband Ben. I wait for a love like there’s.

Now here is the reason I think she and her friends are rockstar mothers. 

I enjoyed this episode sooo much! They talk about values that the 3 moms work to in-still in between the 8 children collectively. Erin talks about the importance of boredom in kids and how that actually fosters creativity. 

I also enjoyed the story of when the family went to visit the big apple. 

If you end up watching either, share your thoughts in the comments.

Some updates

So I write this from my favourite office location, aka the bathtub. I’ll write as long as I’m not in a prune state. 

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but when a woman is in water to birth, be it the sea with dolphins (my preference) or a birthing pool. She won’t shrivel up. It’s the universe god just amazing. 

Let’s go through some big updates from the last post in September 2024.

The Lion was not to be, we can only meet people as far as they can go. I’ve done the work and carry on doing it. He hasn’t. Letting him go and turning the corner has been HARD but I’ve done it now. 

I’ve completed 9 weeks of one to one coaching with lady who is one of the biggest and greatest blessing that I have ever had. She see’s me, guides me, loves me and supports me. Thankfully, she has multiple degrees in behavioural science etc but man does she get people. Coaching for me has been more profound than all my therapy. 

I wish I could tell you all to skip therapy and get a coach. Actually, I would say get good therapy. I think finding a good therapist is easier than finding a good coach but if you luck out like me. OMG! As for therapy, get some EMDR people. 

I also mentioned my dad’s cognitive state.  Sadly, it’s only decreasing and he will be going into assisted living in June. In October, he will be 80. He’s the first person on my mom’s side (I have no contact with his side) to go into assisted living or any sort of supported care. The 3 others in the family who would have benefited all just drank themselves to death. I know I may sound blunt but that is / was the truth. 

He will be going from a pretty enormous 3-bedroom house to a 2-bedroom flat apartment. There will be a guest room for us to visit. Sadly, I don’t think we will. 

I also know how terrible that sounds but it’s the truth. Yesterday I woke up from a nightmare of him yelling and shouting at me. He had / has a vicious temper. He also loves his children (and probably his ex wife) deeply, however he is too wounded to show it. 

Gosh, this makes me think of the time when my mom was in a hospital bed sedated and totally out of it. They were already divorced. He stood at the foot of her bed and sobbed. I have a feeling I’ll share this story at his eulogy one day. 

My job job continues to be very fluid and changeable. I’m doing a 1-month trial in a new role. So far so good. Grateful to have a job, and grateful to be getting ADHD coaching at this time. Only took 4 years but let’s count the wins. 

I have some friends who have jobs in Europe. For years now I have said that I will go visit them and stay at their accommodation. It would just be a weekend trip. Well I kept on waiting for the Lion and other excuses. I emailed the friend last week and they had 4 days left before they were heading home. I have now learned my lesson. No more waiting. Just go and do it. 

So I looked at flights for the city, hotels and food. It creeps up, so I’ve opted for a cruise!

I head off next week and I’ll share more soon

TTYL x

PS. I’m too tired to do a grammar and spelling check now. Will come back to it.

Big Changes

So I think this image says it all, plus it’s a great place to start with some life changes. (This is where you get the drum 🥁 roll out)

I’m not vegan anymore. I never ever thought this day would come. I was sooo sure that I was vegan for life. I even had the T-shirt made. That’s how sure I was. 

Let’s backtrack. I first went vegan as a challenge to myself to see if I could do it. Then within days I started feeling better, as time went on, I got more involved in the movement etc. Then as the years went on and Veganism had its hay day, vegan processed food became more readily available. This was my downfall. Inflammation increased, I became lazier and now I’m back to square one, unhealthy again.

At the beginning of the year (2024) the seed was planted that something had to change. My brain 🧠 was leading, or actually it was shouting with starvation. It needed more brain fats and I was / am fed up with this ADHD business. 

My dad’s brain function has been decreasing and he is progressively showing early fast signs of dementia. (He is so intertwined in the Canadian medical system, that there is little I can do for him in the UK. He needs someone who’s going to cook for him. - side note: that’s a little bit of why I lived with him after the folks got divorced).

Anyhow, I was on instagram one June morning and saw that a nutritionist that I knew of, was doing a book launch on brain 🧠 health. It was that evening, and only an hour from where I was… so why not. 

That evening and the day before the solstice I met the Lion. He’s a pretty smart guy and knew much of what the nutritionist was educating us all on. Again, omegas were a critical part of the healing / feeding. That evening I was the only one eating vegan while the others had a fish curry. 

What happened is that I got off of my high horse… in the weeks that followed I slowly brought fish and eggs (expensive ones with golden yolk - one day I’ll have my own chickens) into the picture. Organic grass fed ghee and cut out all processed food. I mostly snack on fruit now. I’m going pretty easy on the dairy. 

I haven’t had any animals as yet, not sure if I can do that just yet, or is there even a yet. I’m a pescatarian. I’m sticking to fish vs other sea creatures. 

So that’s my big whopping news… people can change their beliefs. 

And then there are beliefs that have never changed. If you go back to the image, everything that is said, is what I want, and will eventually have. I might not have it yet but trust me. I will. I’ll be with someone where I don’t have to work. (Don’t get that mistaken with still earning some money)

I have always, always, always wanted to be a house wife, though it’s more of being the CEO of our household. It’s ok to want things that aren’t the “Norm”.

The quote above the image comes from https://kimanami.com She is totally worth a listen. Either her podcasts or her instagram.

Next post is from Spain.

Cant wait to leave this weather.

The next adventure

Well my lovelies,

Today I committed to the plan that I eluded to yesterday. I spoke of the retreat but then there’s the real bit that’s going to be interesting (and exciting too!)

I’m going to walk part of The Camino de Santiago 15 years after I last did it and 10 years after I was very poorly.

In 2009 I walked 800km, this time I’ll just do the final 100km. it’s going to be a very different experience from the first time but still an experience. It will also give me time to think about what went on at the retreat.

In 2014 when my body shut down, walking up the flight of stairs in my house was more exhausting than walking the Camino. That’s a pretty scary comparison, and I remember telling the consultant that.

Well thank god that I’m stubborn as fuck, and I believe, what I want to. Our bodies, minds and souls are all magic. We get to choose and fix whatever we want. It takes effort, time, will, resources, education, and questioning. However if you do that there are so many options.

I’m not going to rehash what the last decade has taught me, instead let me tell what the last 2 weeks have taught me.

Let me introduce you to Thrifty Mama. We became friends at a Human Garage event (I’ll write about that in the future) and she has educated me. I thought I knew most of the ways the current world it stying to kill us but I hadn’t clocked it all.

Our fascia / skin needs to breathe. We have to stop buying, wearing and consuming synthetic fabrics. For the last 6 days I have only worn my birthday suit (naked for this who have never heard the term), cotton, silk, hemp, linen or wool. Natural fabrics only.

What a game changer. The hardest bit was finding cotton bras but with persistence I’ve found some.

When I get back from Spain I’m going to sell so many pieces of clothing that aren’t up to scratch.

The reason I’ve given her the name thrifty mama is because she has home birthed 10 kids and home (rock star) she’s also very thrifty. She buys all of her clothing at thrift stores. That would be charity shops for my fellow Brits. She’s really awesome. More on her to come.

Side note, she thinks she’s met the Lion. 🦁 The Lion is a man I mentioned yesterday.

Final things for further research.

Check out the.health.goat on instagram, Jared really educates you on what is killing people. @the.health.goat | Liinks

Whilst you wait for the Human Garage entry, you can find them on humangarage.net

TTYL

L x

Oh she’s back!

Well hello there,

Guess who’s back! I started this blog years ago and was the most consistent when I was walking the Camino.

Well my dears… I’ll be back on my beloved trail very shortly. This is your heads up to check in on here.

I have sooo much to tell you! Firstly, every time I have any kind of spiritual or intuitive reading they all say that I need to write / journal etc. This blog feels like that. I like writing, and I’m comfortable knowing that I’m not a writer as such. Just a girl writing with her heart and soul.

In June (2024) I manifested a man. I thought he was my man… but maybe the universe has something else in store for me. I won’t be surprised for one second if I do end up with him but who knows. What I know is that if it’s not him, he’s brought me to a place where the man / my man will surely find me soon.

Enough of the man… The reason I mentioned this is since June, I’ve written him long long texts and emails. I so enjoyed writing ✍️.

So now my loves, I’ll be writing to all of you.

Stay tuned for the adventures that begin this week. The world has gone a bit haywire so I’ve mindful of security and disclosure. This means that I’ll be a bit more skimpy on details but you’ll still get the drift.

If you actually know know me. Text me and I can fill in the blanks.

I’ll be going to a retreat in the the south of Spain. This will be my second retreat. The first one was a manifesting retreat in Italy (where I manifested him). This new retreat is an opportunity to release anything that is no longer serving me and call in what I need. I can’t wait and I’m also scared shitless.

More to come soon

Love you

L

ADD / ADHD Continued

 Hi all,

This is more of a continuation on my previous post. 

My mind is still blown. 

I’ll see the GP next week to discuss the referral with the mental health team for a confirmed diagnosis for ADD / ADHD. Just writing that sentence was HARD. Very, very hard. 

For so long, the traits that I have lived with, I presumed were just my personality. It’s the things that make me who I am. As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been called Marmite before. You either love me or hate me. 

Now in hindsight, maybe this was just the annoying ADHD traits. 

I know I have the worst habit of cutting people off. I try so fucking hard, I look for a pause, a break, a place to appropriately interpret. Then there is the terrible moment when the person speaking has moved onto another topic. By this point, I’ll probably say sorry, I have a quick question. 

I have learned a lot over the years to best manage me, now I know it’s a condition. Regardless, If I’m ever in a training environment, I always ask at the beginning if they want questions to be answered at the end or interrupt the speaker. I’m sure you can guess what my preference is. 

I also hate, hate, hate talking to a group on MS Teams or Zoom if they have their cameras off. It’s hard enough interrupting when I can see them. It’s so much worse when I can’t. I’ve been noticing recently how their voice and tone change. They are clearly pissed off. This happens with one of my aunts all the time. She’s almost always annoyed with me. 

I have lots of decisions that I need to think about, make, change etc. 

Do I forgive people’s bad behaviour, them being cross with me, they don’t know that my brain is legit on another planet. Do I let them know of my newfound superpower / neurodivergent brain. 

Or…

Do I just avoid these people from now on, and I just seem to aggravate them, and it’s best for both parties. 

Decisions. 

The next thing on my list is to carry on learning about all of this. 

I’ve been reading the book Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. 

I read articles, listen to podcasts and Zoom discussions, etc. 

A few weeks ago, when Gabor was in London discussing the latest book on trauma, I queued for an hour to have my book signed. Whilst in the queue, I ended up talking to a lady who was my age and diagnosed 2 years ago. She said that knowing was life-changing and a real trip. She’s right! 

Peace ✌️ out

Me x

Dyslexia & ADD or ADHD

There was a full moon a few hours ago so why not jump on here and tell you what’s new. 

Today has been HARD. In February of this year whilst working with my academic mentor on my dissertation for the honours top up degree, she suggested that I explore a dyslexia assessment with the university. 

That evening I completed an online pre assessment. The result was immediate and said that I was highly likely to be dyslexic. Due to graduating within 5 months of the assessment, the university could not pay for formal assessment. 

My government employer won’t pay for it either (I’m still challenging this), so I have explored a private assessment. 

Since February I have made loads of calls to check out costs and how it all works. A few months ago I spent an hour talking to a lovely lady. In that conversation she asked if I have ever been assessed for attention deficit disorder (ADD) and/or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I immediately, replied with. NO! Do you think I have it? I’m sure that I sounded like I was asking if I had some sort of virus. She gently said that I may and it’s worth exploring. So be seen by her was going to cost £750. That’s a shit load of money for me. 

From there I explored other people in London who could help with an assessment. I found a lady who could only see me today, October 10th. 

Here we are, a few hours later. 

From February to now I have had to come to terms with a lot, this includes going back through my past and questioning 🤨 EVERYTHING. 

What about all of the times that I have been bullied and that has been constantly throughout my life. Was it my brain? Is that’s who things have been so hard? Why didn’t anyone pay attention to me? I actually had 2 parents. I went to normal schools, one was even private. Shouldn’t tuition mean they should give a shit. 

I was keeping the possible ADHD stuff on the low. Not saying a word, god forbid the 🏷️ labelled kid gets another label. 

2 nights ago I was talking to my dad (77) and brother on FaceTime. They were in the same room together. My brother was shouting at my dad saying that he has ADHD, he’s hitting all the marks on articles found online. I said nothing on this call. The shouting in my family drains me, it’s why I almost don’t talk to any of them. All I did do, was think to myself. Give the poor guy a break. His brain 🧠 doesn’t work the same way. 

The next night, (last night) a girl from the TV show, married at first sight was posting on instagram about getting diagnosed with ADHD. The way she explained it, didn’t sound so scary. It was then that I decided to not keep this a secret. 
I did a little more reading on the eve of my assessment. The most relevant part of my findings that evening, is that ADD and ADHD is more often than not, passed down, Hereditary.

The assessment:

Guys! It was long. Tough and long. The tough part was the emotional side, me questioning myself and trying to constantly remember that this lady is not judging me. She is being paid by me to help me. In case you are wondering, I’m doing all of this for the paperwork. Anything to avoid further bulling. 

Each question, scenario starts off easy and progressively gets harder. 

There was a section with shapes where I had to use tile pieces to make a shape that was shown to me. Is started off easy and then I got stuck. I was timed and I couldn’t get it. I told her I didn’t know and she totally fine with that. 

Amongst the 6 billion things happening in my head, I was also asking myself. Did I not have enough Lego growing up, did I not play with it enough. Was anyone else playing with me? Was I neglected?

Then there was a section with words and vocabulary. My god! There were so many words that I couldn’t spell nor did I know what they meant. 

At the end of that section I said to her, “ Listen, my parents are immigrants. English is not their first language, they have never used an extensive vocabulary.” Again guys, remember this lady is not judging me. It’s me. I always feel under the spotlight and that I’m underperforming as a human. I’m never good enough. 

Now I must want for 2 weeks to get the report. ADD & ADHD can only be formally diagnosed by the NHS mental health team so this month I will see my GP to get a referral.  

The Covid Diaries - Day 445

So! Conscious eating 🍽 is starting now! If it’s healthy I’ll eat it. If it’s not, and I’m lazy, I’ll make a huel. 

Today’s weight is 

147 pounds

10.5 stones

66.7 kg

So my comfort eating started as soon as I left recruitment and joined the CC department where I was heavily bullied. Then Covid happened. So that’s 20 pounds of weight that is getting me soooo down! Now that it’s getting warmer it’s time! 

No more feeling sorry for myself.

I’m writing this from the sauna, I’m going to make sure to use this puppy every day. It’s cost an arm and a leg and it’s so good for my health so win win! To up my sauna game, I’m also going to remember to take a binder before, dry body brush, and use the mini trampoline. Let me briefly explain, but doctor Google will also help. 

When you’re in a far infrared sauna your core body temperature increases thus making you sweat. You’ll sweat out toxins, so taking a binder before is safer way of binding the toxins. This way, the toxins can also come out in your 💩. Dry body brushing is good for your lymphatic system and skin. Lastly, rebounding (using a mini trampoline) gets your lymphs moving. 

What else! For the first time since living in this house. I think I’m ready to go. Scratch that. I am ready to go. I’ll elaborate. I was going to remortgage, take some money out and either do a kitchen extension, or a double story extension. I had 2 whopping quotes done yesterday by 2 decent companies.

The spanner is, why do I want a newer bigger house? Will it make me happy, do I need the space, is it for resale value. To be honest, all of that would be cool but this is not my forever home. 

I don’t want to hear the neighbours anymore, there is nothing that keeps me here. My day dreaming is dangerous too. I’m always dreaming of other things and not living in the now, the present. 

Don’t get me wrong. I'm not one of those people that live in dream land. I just like visiting it a lot. 

I’m less than 2 weeks away from completing my foundation degree. It’s been a long, long slog. The last 4 years have been touch and go when it comes to my education. Working full time, managing my health, my home, my family etc. 

Once I’ve finished this up. I need to have a real think and decide if I want to start a level 6 top up degree in September 2021. I’ve already have a conditional acceptance providing I get through the next 2 weeks. 

My housemate has been away now for over 3 weeks, by the time he has returned from seeing family and using his annual leave, it will be a month. 

It’s been a great month so far. He’s a nice guy but this pandemic has taken its toll on him. He’s deeply unhappy, doesn’t communicate and is moody. I’m not his partner, girlfriend, or lover. I would even say we aren’t even friends anymore. I’m just his landlady. It’s a miserable place to be.

My trusty reader (- yes that just 2 of you.) Are aware that I’m very weary when it comes to male mental health. I’m not yet in the worried stage for his mental health. I’m just passively observing. 

Here is my huge observation that’s been cemented since living like this (pandemic in a shoe box). As a species of the human race, we NEED PEOPLE. We need to talk to our friends, hang out, joke around etc. Being a friendly guy but but not having a deep connection or the ability to confine to a friend is not good enough.

The next time I'm write I'm going to tell you about Bumble. I finally gave in and tried to do this online dating malarkey.

Here is a great quote that sums up why I'm single. 

The Covid Diaries - Day 375

21/03/2021

The Covid Diaries - Day 375

 

It's been a while. I’m still here, thank god. 

 

I should just write about gratitude but I’m going to go with selfcare. My form of selfcare is to rant a bit. I’m hoping that after I get this off of my chest, I will feel a bit better and less stuck. 

 

If I had to describe how I’m feeling in one word it would be stuck. 

 

If I went with more words I would say that I am frustrated, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, politically, aesthetically, sexually, and socially. Yep I think that sums it up. 

 

In other news for my small reader crowd, I’ll give you a quick recap. 

 

I have escaped this virus and touch wood have not picked it up at all. I’m still vegan, It will be 10 years in January. In May I will have lived in the UK for 20 years. I’m still devastated about Brexit and I think about it often. I bought an EU hoody that I wear proudly. Often on zoom calls with stakeholders that I’ve never met. I have a flight booked to see the folks in June, not sure if it will be safe to travel. Let’s see. I’m in the same job when it comes to the employer, I did however manage to escape the bullies and land a new position on 01/09/2020. It's been so nice I have moved to a new role. It's still a job vs winning the lottery but they people are good, and I’m respected. 

 

I may have mentioned in a previous post that one of the housemates moved out over 2 years ago. Initially I had the room set up as a spare room. I’ve always wanted people to stay over and come and visit. I’m not sure if it's a London thing or not but people tend to go home back to their own bed even if they live miles away. So back when the world was normal, I would hang with them at Waterloo or Charing Cross station while they waited for their train home and I would then take the tube home. 

 

So, after having a spare room for over a year pre-pandemic and 1 guest from Bristol I thought there is no point in having a spare room. So, I sold the double bed and mattress on ebay for £6 and turned the room into a home office and sauna. Oh yes, you heard me correctly. I now have a 2-man infrared sauna. It's pretty great, I have to say. It’s also worth more than my 11-year-old car. I’ve never had a second person in there with me. I’m pretty picky when it comes to sweat and well, I need to like the person and their sweat. There is also a pandemic happing so again no reason to have one over in the sauna with me. 

 

What else, I’m still all about growth, discovery, doing the hard work etc so I went back into therapy in June. I picked a fab older lady who lives 20 minutes away. The plan was that one day we could have face to face counselling psychotherapy, however it's still a zoom relationship. She’s actually a published author and a therapist. She’s cool and therapy is hard work.

 

The degree is on going and I plan to be done with that part in June 2021. 

 

I’ve since decided that I want more so in September 2021 I will start a 1-year top up degree. Integrated Working with Children & Families BA (HONS). I’m seriously going to have to bust my chops BIG TIME. They reason for this is a NEED a high grade so that I can then apply and get accepted to do a masters in Social Work. Yes! you heard it right. This is what I wanted to do when I was 16. It's what I was interested in and also what the career aptitude tests said. 

 

Why I didn’t do this then with the first attempt at a degree at 19, I’ll never know for sure. Scratch that. I do know, it was the lack of confidence in myself and my inability to detach from a situation. I’m someone that would want to fix everyone, everything, take them all home, feed them, love them, hug them. I’m still that same person but I think I may be able to do this. Let’s see. One thing at a time. First, I need to finish the foundation degree.

 

Well guys, I feeling better already. I know I should journal more as it relaxes me and does make me feel better. I really must do this more. It doesn’t need to be the blog but it could be. Because I leave massive gaps, I’m always filling you in on updates. Hope you enjoy this read. 

 

Take it easy and be kind to one another. We are all we’ve got.

 

Lxx

The Covid Diaries - Day 52

WOW!

Honestly, I don’t know about you, but lockdown quarantine has been soooo slow and super intense at the same time. There are moments when I feel like I’ve just come out of a 24-hour therapy session. So much is coming up.

I’m still (always and forever) expanding my mind by listening to podcasts and visiting territories that NEED to be visited. These are often mentally, emotionally and occasionally physically. 

Let’s start!

Physically.

It's occurring to me that I have almost never felt pretty / beautiful / attractive. Beauty does come from within, however there is no harm in feeling that on the outside to. Internally I know that I have so much to offer so that remains the same. This does not worry me. What I want to work on is how I feel about my external body. My soul feels ok. My parents love me, they are good people. However, I never grew up being told that I’m pretty, beautiful attractive. 

Scrubbing up well, and having boys want to sleep with me doesn’t actually count. 

I need to feel better about me. The minute quarantine started the first thing that popped into my head was Bette Midler in 80’s workout clothing. The movie is a 1986 classic called Ruthless People. I was soooo young when this came out and I honestly have no idea why I remember this, but this is what I remember. A lady (Bette) being held captive in a basement with an old TV (maybe with a VCR) watching exercise videos. She loses weight and gets fit! I’m thinking, I can do this. I should do this. 

Having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome does make somethings tricky and life is a balance of pacing however that applies to EVERYONE so it's just something that WE ALL need to master. I love walking and hiking; it's brings me joy and doesn’t feel like exercising. The issue with lockdown in London is that it's full of idiots that walk soooo close to you. The parks are fab, but they are packed. So! I Need to find things that I like doing at home. I might have mentioned this before, but I bought a mini trampoline a few years ago. It's good and I do like it BUT I hate the sound of the squeaky springs. I know I sound like such a snob, but I can’t help myself. It's too noisy. When I’m jumping, I want to watch TV, listen to a podcast, the radio, and audio book. You get the point. So, 2 weeks ago when I really felt down and out, I indulged and ordered the same rebounder that Victoria Beckham has. The FIT BOUNCE PRO REBOUNDER II has bungees instead of springs. For the record, I’m not that vain (or am I) I’ve been looking at a bungee rebounder for ages and I can’t wait for this to arrive mid-May. I’ve already set up a YouTube playlist of rebounder videos. Another reason why I can’t wait to rebound is that it's low impact, burns calories and there have been studies about it's effect on the lymphatic system and releasing toxins in the body. Watch this space girls and boys. Just watch.

Emotionally

Growth is the best way I could explain this. I was listening to a podcast this week and the host was talking about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I never really spent that much time thinking of the 2. They are both so different and it’s totally possible to do one, without the other. Previously I always thought about the saving, forgive and forget. I didn’t want to forget as I’ve learned so much from different experiences in my life. Historically, I’ve given so much to some friendships and have been completely burned. So! NOW my heart and my head have fully forgiven some shitheads. AND I’m totally ok with not reconciling some friendships! Whoop whoop! 

Mentally

I’m thinking that I’m rocking this one. 

This is unprecedented times, and it is totally ok to feel a bit shit sometimes. A big mental download was its ok to feel sad when I realised that I have never gone this long without physical touch from a human or an animal. Single folks out there with a pet, are still getting that touch ‘fix’ that we all need as humans. To be clear too when I’m talking about touch. I’m not just thinking about intimacy, I’m including, hugs, handshakes, walking arm in arm with my peeps. I can’t wait to touch people again and I know that I will one day soon. I also know that I have not given up AT ALL in finding that one person that I’ll be able to touch ALOT! (hehehe)

I’m going to wrap this entry up. The next one will be about all the amazing people that I popped back in my life and old friends that are making the effort to keep intouch. Maybe it's my most favourite part of the coronavirus pandemic.

Peace

Lxx