Tesco Club Points

Started on Friday September 25th

​I’m writhing this from the living room at my aunts house. Everyone is doing something so I’m taking a few minutes. 

Wow today has been hard right from the start. 

Original plan was to collect my mom at her sister’s house at 11am to take her to some stores at her request.  The day before while talking to her on speakerphone with her sister (the recent widow) present, she also said that I could hear to house earlier than 11. I said thank you and I’ll see how it gives but I will be there for 11. 

(Many hours later back at home)

So this morning, I was making good time so I thought, why don’t I pop over there for 10:30. I was just about to leave the house when I get a text from my cousin. ( My mom’s niece and the youngest daughter of the widow). 

This is what it said:

We are out for breakfast in Stanmore at Barracuda. So come join us there or (my sister) is at home. We will be back before 12. X

What! Say what? Am I stupid, confused. I thought I was supposed to pick my mother up at 11? Also for the love of god can someone explain why the hell she (my mom) can’t pick up the phone 📱. 

I sat there absolutely stunned, totally miffed, so I copied that message to her and sent it, followed by:

What does this mean?

Come get you at noon now?

She never answered, so I then just said I’ll come to you at 13:00.

At 11:04 she finally texts back and says:

Hi (Moi), just seeing your message. We are just finishing breakfast.   I think we should be back to (her sisters) before noon. 

I just replied with, I will be there at noon and then also sent her the following which she read an hour later.

Maybe it’s worth you knowing that I require clear communication.

You asked me to take you shopping.

I asked what time?

You said 11.

Earlier I asked if you wanted to go on Thursday vs Friday but you didn’t reply for a while. 

You could have picked up the phone to call me and explain that the plan has changed, but you choose not to. That is your choice, your decision.

I am being clear by saying I will come now at 13:00.

God do I miss coach Renee. We have worked together for 18 months now and when it comes to my family, she has more or less said that the only thing I can do with them is lead by example and maintain my own boundaries. 

When I finally get the house we do t leave the house for another 45 minutes. What is also strange is that my sister is not there, nor does anyone tell me where she is etc. eventually from hearing my mom tell others, she has gone into London to meet her uni friends. (She went to uni in the UK but lives in Canada - I did the reverse for uni round one. I then did uni round 2 in the UK). There has been lots of anxiety when it comes to seeing her. 

(Caveat - I’m aware that I’m not using the below words correctly - I’m ranting)

I am not, bipolar, schizophrenia, or have dual personalities. Nor am I living in a depressive and occasional suicidal state. What I know if that you can’t just loose your shit with me, hang up the phone, be rude and then expect everything to be normal. 

Late after dinner, my sister arrived , hugged me and was acting like everything is normal between us. 

What? What? And I’m the one who looks like you just killed me dog. I know I look like a moody sourpuss. 

Back to my mom and the shopping. We went to 2 stores. An Indian store to get savoury snacks and Tesco. She offered to pay for what I bought at the first store. I declined. It was only last week that she asked me if I was going half on food and she also had the nerve to ask if I would pay for her flight. No thank you. Let’s not get money involved. I don’t the energy to play tit for tat. 

It was the next stop that breaks my heart. It really does. I was so deeply saddened yet I shouldn’t be. God and the universe have been showing me my mothers true colours for all these time so why do I continue to be shocked. Ok - some background for my readers. Tesco is a large UK grocery store, they also offer a points system that gets you reduced prices and also rewards you with vouchers / coupons to get money off. And in my case I also get Avios points - think airlines. 

Guys! Before I go any further, I know I’m ultra sensitive and I may just be reading into something and making it a much bigger issue in my head. Additionally I know what I know. 

We are in the store with my uncle (another one - big family) and my mom. She has a list. Many items have 2 prices with the lower one being a card holder. We both tell her that we have a card. My uncle also goes on to tell her you get points. 

I had to grab something from another isle and when I got back, she had paid for a lot of items with his points card. 

Look, it’s not about the card or the points. It’s about the fact that this lady doesn’t innately think of me as her offspring. She doesn’t think about me, what she can or can’t do for me. What I may or not benefit from. 

It’s like you go and buy a kinder egg and then go and give the toy 🧸 to someone else while your kid is right there. 

God in that moment I wanted to cry, but I’m better than that. I just sat in my sadness. The only way out when it comes to big feelings is to go through them. The only way out is through. 

Let’s move onto more communication fails on her part. So for the last 5 months I have known that she will be back in the UK for the. Last week of October. I have needed a plan on what we would or wouldn’t be doing together. I need to take annual leave etc. 

Once back from the shopping trip she asks me if I have time to talk to her about the October plan. She explains that her sister’s daughters have asked if she can spend time with their mom in October. 

That’s totally fine with me. Truthfully my mom does better as an aunt, sister vs mother. 

Next minute she has disappeared 👻 poof 💨 like a ghost. Gone. Ok  - really she was now in the kitchen. 

When she comes back I say to her, what happened?, where did you go? You called me over to talk. 

She whispers in reply that she had to do the dishes and that she couldn’t let her sister do it. (I understand that but)

I just replied with, that’s perfectly fine. All you needed to do was say, (Moi) I’ll be back in a few minutes. 

Can someone tell me how or why her communication skills are so definitive. I mean I know she had ADD or even maybe ADHD. (Undiagnosed of course)

Once we start taking about it, but even 2 minutes pass where she is now overwhelmed and has decided it’s not a good time to talk she will talk to me when she is back in canada.

Say what??? Has she lost the plot again. Sitting next to me shoulder to shoulder at the dinning table or having to talk while she is overseas?

I spoke to my uncle about this while driving back to mine. He is staying the night while 3 of the sisters have their sleepover. The plan on Saturday it to bring up the October week and make a real plan

Untitled

Written on September 24th 2026

​Gosh that’s how life feels these days. Untitled. 

I’m working on juggling, life, health, my trauma, my family, my body and the rest. 

Yesterday was so busy. I walked 24k in steps. Was up at 4am and home at midnight. Watching the sunrise over Stonehenge was beautiful and so happy that I made it there. Ended the day with the family for day 13 of my uncles funeral. It’s the last day that Hindu’s believe the soul is lingering. 

I took the best video of the bands playing live af the house. I really want to post it but I don’t trust the internet. If you know me and want to see what it was like, send me a text. The energy in the room changed over the 2 hours that songs were sung. 

I’m writing to you on the tube to meet Mr.Richmond after he finishes work (as for me, I’m on annual leave this week). I’m meeting him because I need a hug and I told him that. I also said that I can accept mocktails as well. Hibernation September has not worked. That’s ok, there were always a few exception dates and then with my mom coming to the UK plus the funeral there is no hope. This is another reason why I’m off to see Mr.Richmond

I would have seen him and others on my Birthday but I scrapped those plans a week before the event. No point going to a really fab meal when I feel terrible. 

I’m slowly on the mend and I have to be super careful. From next week I can start making the bigger changes. 

This weekend is another pass. On Friday and Saturday I’ll be with my aunt the widow, my mom and a bunch of their siblings. My sibling will be there too. My sister. Guys! It’s so fucking awkward and I haven’t even seen her. As mentioned before I’m not someone that puts up with shit behaviour and then pretends that it never happened. Our last calls have been with her shouting and hanging up the phone. 📞 

I’ll only be with Mr. Richmond for an hour I’m guessing. From there is have the option to go see my mom and the others. I was invited back to the house today. That was another awkward conversation. You would think that my mother had the sense to call me on the phone privately for a moment. 

Note toself moi: - when it comes to your mother, remember that there is no sense. 

I had  a FaceTime video call from my aunt which I rejected. I genuinely was in a towel and nothing else. I then called back on audio and the 2 sisters were there together. It was AKWARD. I always sound like the difficult bitch even though I’m not. I just clearly state the facts. I messaged my mom to offer to take her to the shops today vs tomorrow. She never replied. Look, when I’m on leave I will go out and do something. I don’t take annual leave to sit on my ass or wait for people to get back to me. On the call I was invited to dinner at the house. So now I may head there after on public transport. It’s really long but I don’t have the energy to drive. I’ve driven so much and yesterday stand still traffic was a killer. 

So this morning I get a call at 9:20 from my mom. She called me while on the plane at Heathrow as soon as she landed. 🛬 the call actually woke me. That’s kind of good news as that means I slept after the 24k in steps the night before. Back to the story. So she asked if I was still sick, I said no but that I’m on annual leave this week. As we spoke very briefly, I explained that the siblings sleepover party is no longer happing and she was so shocked. I suppose that does make sense to be surprised. She was flying to the UK for this sleepover, but then her brother in law died. 

A few hours later when she met her sister, they decided to have the gathering again. I’ll see her tomorrow and Saturday.

A few hours later and back on the tube. Mr Richmond and I had some delicious sourdough bread and dip and mocktail / cocktail each. It was good to catch up. He’s got a lot on his plate but he’s doing well. 

I was then going to head to see my mom and the others. My sister then called to say that they all said it’s fine to come tomorrow instead because they were mindful of the long commute. I’m grateful for that. 

The Chalice Well - Glastonbury

​Here is a very speedy entry that I will post right away. L

It’s been a crazy few days. The funeral happened on Friday. I cried a bit but not properly. Felt like a sensory overload to be honest. 

I was there from 8am and left at 4pm. 30 minutes earlier than the end time. I made it all 3 parts. House with the body, then the crematorium, final part was the hall with food, more speeches and the band. 

As for where I am now. My acupuncturist suggested I come here and drink the water from the chalice well. That is exactly what I have done. After feeling unwell for so long, why not try things of ancient traditions. That’s the way I role. 

Tomorrow is a visit to Stonehenge where I will touch the stones. 

I’m cross about how that will pan out. In 2 hours I’ll collect Miss Steiner from the station with her friend Amanda. That’s fine, I said anyone is welcome. However now she is spending tomorrow with Amanda. Folks I’m pissed off. They both live in Oxford and see each other all the time. Anyway. One of Miss Steiner biggest faults is trying to keep everyone happy with communicating her needs or asking other what they want. 

Tomorrow I’ll probably head to Sailsbury cathedral after the stones and then back to London. 

It’s the final day 13 religious ceremony for my uncle. I told you he was religious. I know nothing about the Hindu religion. I think the soul is still lingering and day 13 is when it’s free. (I think, I will google eventually)

Another big thing that my homeopath wanted me to do is a thing called Morning Pages. 

I’m doing a lax version. 1 x A4, scribble write on both sides as soon as a I wake. Then burn. 

I’m detaching my mother from the woman. All my mom stuff is dead. Then there is just the woman. This is good. It’s helping so much. I feel less weight and trauma etc. 

Grief is held in the lungs 🫁

​Now I’ve known this for so many, many years. I can vividly remember that when Mark died I ended up with a chest infection. 

Here is a side note. When I lived in North America I often had Laryngitis, Bronchitis etc. I always got the official title, you don’t really get that so much in the UK. 

So my lungs ache and the pain wakes me. I’ve been awake since 3am coughing. I’m tired and fed up. I’ve now made it to the front room. (PS. It’s a tiny house so please explain why I call it the front room. It could be the lounge which also sounds grand. I haven’t called anything the living room for decades). I’m parked on the sofa with a hot water bottle and a cup of tea. It’s almost 5am and I will try and sleep soon. 

So back to the grief. Coach Renee has been saying for months now that I’m mourning my old life, my old friendships where I have changed etc. She’s on the ball, I think I’m also mourning the life I never had. Also worth noting, I can’t even put my hand on my heart and say it was the life I wanted. I mean I know what I want, I also know that I have been lucky to have dodged many bullets when it comes to the wrong man. The last one was close call and that was 2 years ago. 

I fell asleep for a few more hours, now typing in the tub. 

Now when someone near you dies, it often puts things into perspective, gives one a lease of life to resolve family issues etc. I’ll be honest, this is not the case for me. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I know it hurts people like Cauli. 

I’m a simple (and complex) girl. Strip it all back. If you are unable to converse with me without shouting, yelling, hanging up the phone and criticising me. Then you are not my people. It doesn’t matter is blood is / was involved. 

Another thing has been happening in the last few days, my dad is struggling to reach his older brother who lives in the UK. Gosh they had the most contentious relationship but patched things up 30 plus years later in 2023. I hope he’s alive, my dad can sort or find out. Dementia Dad does have some or a lot of mental capacity. Also we didn’t grow up knowing any of my dad’s side of the family. It’s all so telling really. 

I’m grateful (mostly) for my life but I do wish that 2 strangers white very different values marry after 6 days and then proceed to have 3 children. 

Another observation from 2 of DM & RDM granddaughters. One was in the teen room Old Trafford, the other was on a plane ✈️ flying from Australia back to London. These 2 kids like each other, then even love each other. The end the FaceTime call with love. 

Again watching 👀 all of this over the last 5 days is probably the root pain of the hole in my heart. 

Now, god willing I don’t have a hole 🕳️ in my heart but the physical pain of coughing, lungs, ribs, SIBO indigestion is high up and near the heart area. It will pass like all the other things in my life but it’s funny. 

I’m going to try and post more real time so even if you see an entry, go back to it as it may have a whole lot entered. I like to write on the bus and I have a good few bus journeys. 

Last night as I was driving to the family house, I got a text from the NHS. 

My SIBO antibiotics are ready for collection. It’s just a fucking shame that I can’t get it from any pharmacy (I have several very near me) I need to go far to get it. 

TTLY

Here are more reflections and conversations. 

DM’s middle daughter in the one that I’m the closest to. We went to see Mel Robbins together a few years ago and it was great. She was telling me about finding a white feather 🪶 yesterday. Also the day before she was in her dad’s office collecting photos for the picture slide show. Her father (my uncle) was working on a book of her pictures in chronological order. How nice that he was making this for her. She was also the one family member so stayed the night in the hospital, the day before he died. I was telling of a great book by neuroscientist Dr.Tara Swart called The Signs. It’s really good. 

Yesterday I was also talking to another cousin of mine. She is the eldest daughter of the eldest son. So my mom’s eldest brothers (TM) daughter (H). I’ve mentioned this trauma I. The blog before but it can be very triggering. (child toddler death). 

19 years ago to almost the day, H was pregnant with her daughter (N) when she (we) found out that her sisters son had drowned in a pool at age 2. (It would have been his 20th Birthday today - he had just, just turned 2. He was a baby still) There will never be words to explain what did or didn’t happen, or the grief the whole family experienced. What we did talk about was how her pregnancy with N was so affected by what was going on around her. I was saying that the aftermaths of H’s feelings / emotions during pregnancy and the formation N play out today. She couldn’t agree more. 

Oh! Here is something a bit lighter and funnier. The 3 daughters and DM 2 brothers were deciding on the floral arrangement that will go in the hearse car. The have decided with DAD. But the joke was his wife’s first name because he would call out to her a million times a day. 😂 

I thought that was funny.