I told my manger I love her

Friday September 11th 2026

​First song of the day was one of my favourites. Beauty by The Shivers. It’s seriously worth listening to and it prompted the subject of today’s entry.

Location: Bus to the hospital for a chest X-ray 

Man I’m in a chatty mood. I went to look for the Porsche for you but it had moved. Oh well. 

So! On Monday when I was with my manager in person she treated me to a hot drink. Because I miss coach Renee so much, I now drink Matcha. 🍵 When she is back on her feet I’ll go back to Hot Chocolate, Matcha tastes like grass. Anyway, got knows what I was talking about, what tangent my brain 🧠 was surfing 🏄‍♀️ but I was saying something along the lines that I love my friends. I then said to her sitting across of me, that I love her too. I quickly followed that up with an explanation that there are 6000 kinds of Love ❤️, and how most British people are just not accustomed to saying to anyone who is not their immediate family. She completely agreed. 

Now isn’t funny how the universe works. The above conversation happened on the Monday and then last night, Thursday. My Glastonbury friend left me some voice messages and ended it with, I Love you. 🤟 

I’ve gone back to check if I’ve mentioned him the blog and I haven’t. We met at Glastonbury 2025 and we hit it off. He’s in a happy relationship so when I say hit it off. I mean as friends. He was working shifts near the pyramid stage and that’s where I spend most of time. All we did was talk loads, really fun and important conversations. By the time the weekend was over, I’ve established that he’s a soul friend for life. Sometimes you just know someone forever.

Actually yesterday was the Birthday of another soul friend, we met years ago at work and don’t really keep in touch much since he left, but I will know this man for the rest of my life. Sometimes people don’t even need to speak but you can read them. If was fun exchanging a few texts. I reminded him to get back to my blog so he knows what I’m up to. We’ll call him Mr. Molton Brown, he use to smell divine. (Bet he still does)

Back to Mr.Glastonbury, he’s the first person to say that he’s going to try and make it for a Big Birthday in 2028 in NYC. So exciting! You are all invited too. It’s going to be a blast. 💥 There is so much I can tell you about him but in a few words, he’s a really good apple 🍏. 

He sent me a instagram post from this guy who is funny but also a little bang out of order. Gosh that’s a very British term. You’ll either love him or hate him. I message him and thanked him for making me laugh and he replied. 

I was just in the lift 🛗 elevator with 2 private ambulance 🚑 technicians and their gurney thing. They are here to transport someone to Harley street. Whilst in the lift, one of the ambulance guy said that we would all play elevator trivia. What was funny was the 2 other elevator passengers. Both older men where you just know that English is not their first languageb CB . The 3 of us all kinda of looked at each other while they both looked down. Almost like that was their way of voting 🗳️ saying no thank you. So the quiz master asked what the biggest desert in the world is. I said it’s not the Sahara. He confirmed that was right. I then said, it is somewhere cold like the North Pole. He said I was close, Antarctica. I was them my stop. The 2 other men smiled. Some niceties were exchanged and I went on my merry way.

After I left the hospital there was an elderly lady staring at a Transport for London local map of the area, and then cross referencing it against a paper. I walked past her and then was drawn,  compelled to turn around. Coach Renee would say, that is Spirit. 

I asked the lady if she needed help and she sure did. Bless her, it’s so confusing. The very top right has the name of the Hospital Trust that I was at (it was 2 minutes away). But right underneath that was the name of a different medical centre that’s part of the great Hospital Trust but also 1.3 miles away. It was actual a fracture clinic and this older lady had one of her legs in a boot cast. I get terrible for her. As I’m on my phone finding the route, the bus etc, she told me that she accidentally forgot her phone at home. The poor thing. I told her that i was so sorry and if I didn’t need to be somewhere else I would have physically taken her there myself. I did tell her that I’ll walk her to the correct bus stop which is what I did. I also told her the name of the stop she needed, and showed her my phone so she had an idea of the final 5 minutes where she would need to walk. It felt good to help someone in need. She was very appreciative. 

Location: Grovesnor Gardens near Victoria admiring this art while typing. Also because I’m on my instagram break of 3 months, you get so see my pictures. 

I’ve been drawn, pulled, compelled to visit films, documentaries and podcasts about 9/11. Some of this comes from not having the time to visit the memorial in NYC in August of this year. 

This is what I have watched of listened to so far. (I will come back and edit this part)

So on September 10th, I decided that I’m going to pay my respects at the memorial in London. After the chest X-ray I went to Grovesnor Square to visit the memorial. It’s located there because the US embassy use to be there. It’s now a hotel. Sadly the square was closed today for an event. There was lots of gardeners, maintenance folks etc. chairs being set up and the lot. Bummer for me but good that something is being done today. 

Here a few photos of that. 

Then I proceeded to the monument for the UK July 7th 2025 bombings in the UK. (3 locations at the same time)

Side note, my Mark treated hundreds of victims in the A&E that day. (You’ll have to go back to really old blog entries. Mark was my friend, I loved him. He was a nurse and the chief resus officer at London NHS hospital. He also took his life years later)

Another side note that is really dawning on me more and more. My people, my friends, the one I love, the ones I care for, the ones I’m aligned to. We are all or mostly service people. Army, Police, NHS, Civil Servants. People that serve the public to make this life better. And of course some of them move into the private sector once they have had enough but they still gave their time. 

I know very few people that are bankers and those who work in industry. I’m ok with that. I love my people all the more. 

Here are pictures of the July 7th. Memorial. I love that the names represent this city. People of many cultures and walks of life. 

So many hours later. 

Fast forward. I was in town to meet Cauli where we attend Queen Elizabeth clothing exhibition. 

It was good. Just as we had finished the exhibit, I get 2 WhatsApp calls from my aunt. First know that I HATE WhatsApp so I reject all calls. About 5 minutes later when we were really really done I said to Cauli that I need to call my aunt. I explained that they never call me. If they have, someone has died or they need something. The aunt who called is married to my mom’s eldest brother who has recently but been very well. 

I called and sadly I was right. An uncle had died, not the one I had thought, but the one married to the aunt who’s having the big sleepover party in 2 weeks time. See previous entry. He was 71. Not only had my aunt called to pass the news, I was formally asked if I could go to the hospital to represent the maternal side of the family. “There was 30 + of my deceased uncle’s side and nobody from our side”. I would have gone anyway but I went with 2 hats 🧢 on. My own and my families. 

Because I was in central London it was easier to take 3 tubes to the hospital vs getting to mine and then driving to the hospital. (Side note, I think that is soooo shift how hospital parking costs in the UK is so stupid high. It also very far from home).

It’s such an interesting thing being in hospital room with a dead body and a family deeply mourning. My aunt and uncle had 3 daughters who were all there. Their eldest is 6 months older than me. I stayed at the hospital for about 3 hours and then the group went to the family home. This will be the rountine now for a while until the funeral is set. It’s like how the Jews sit shiva. You gather together to mourn and remember. 

I’ll be back there tomorrow etc

Sadly I’m really not well so I have to take care. Once I was home o had a call with my mom, brother and sister to recount the day’s events. It was  hard, there is arguing on the call, my mother talks to me in some idiot stupid voice where she strains her voice. It’s a fucking joke and I’m tired as fuck. 

What I need is antibiotics and I need to not get more sick. I don’t have time for pneumonia right now. Also do I ask for annual leave?

Xx

Human Hangovers

​This is rather embarrassing or it could be interpreted as a huge breakthrough. I suffer from human hangovers. Maybe I’m secretly allergic to humans. I do wish it was that easy, to mock a self diagnosis. But it’s not. I’ll explain in sec. 

Just know that I’ve thought being a hermit could be really cool. Also when watching the film: into the Wild. I thought, this is the life. The book was written in 1996 and the film came out in 2007. Sean Penn directed and the soundtrack is amazing! It’s by Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. 

Ok, let’s jet into the human hangover (hopefully you are now reading as you have Eddie in your ears)

I cut out toxic people out of my life a good decade ago. It’s more like 15 years or more. I’ve gone one step further and cut out family too. There are very firm boundaries and I operate within this only. If I don’t maintain these boundaries I suffer the consequences big time. 

I’m going to give real life examples of what human hangover means / feels like in my life. Let’s rewind to May when I had the nose surgery to breathe (I actually see that surgeon next week to check healing progress). So in a May I had the most wonderful friend come stay with me, take care of me, cook for me, tend to me, help me dress is needed. She was amazing. I will always be grateful. Now for the BUT… the pesky BUT. Within the first day where I was kept on the ward and the following 2 day at home, the worst was over. My nose stopped bleeding, I didn’t need pain killers, I was up and about etc. I should have told such friend, that I would assess my needs after 2 days and then let her know if I needed her to stay longer. Remember the housemate was at home too. Sadly I didn’t express myself properly and she left after 5 days. Even then she said I was kicking her out. I was firm in my tone, I was sorry that she felt that way but I was indebted for everything she had done for me. Now I needed to get on with it. ( I also needed my space back).

Now for the hangover part. After she left I was sick for 5 days. Full out, out of action. Sleep and bed was all I could do. Eventually I could watch TV but that was it. I was reliving all the conversations that zap my life force. This includes when I overheard conversations too. 

Fast recap: 

• I the author of this blog, can not do anything about the girls in Afghanistan. I am sorry for what they are dealing with. I can pray for them as I do for all the people in the world. Sure I can sign the occasional petition but unless I become a billionaire, I have little clout in the situation. 
• Yes housemate and I are snobs, we choose to mostly only eat the heads or broccoli and cauliflower. The fact that we don’t eat the cabbage looking leaves or the chunk stalks is our problem. You do you, I do me, don’t judge me in my own home. (Listen! The whole fucking world has their own relationship with money - I’m not here to dissect it for you.) if I eat organic or not. It’s my problem.

Life got very busy since May and I haven’t seen her since, I’ll see her on Friday for the first time. 

More hangover stuff. From the very recent blog entries you see that I visited a friend who’s dealing with adultery. It’s a lot. 

The day before that, I stayed over at friends house, as it was a closer commute to above friend. This single friend has a homeless man sleeping in her garage. She’s given him her only key to the garage. It’s been 10 months and counting. Over dinner I tried to give her tough love but if you know me. I’m blunt and fuck and I fail miserably with this softy softy BS. I have too much passion. One of my many problems. Anyhow, I really really did try and be gentle. If I push my thought and concerns too much, she’ll divorce me as a friend. She’s also my oldest UK friend. 

Then there is Mr.Richmond who’s got kid stuff. The mother of the child has a HUGE amount of issues, problems, trauma etc. None of this is addressed and trust me when I say, the child is being affected. Again I’ve tried hard to signpost and explain what happens to a child’s brain when they are not getting their needs met. 

On the Wednesday, I met another very good friend at the pub for a long overdue catchup. Most of it was fine other than when we discussed a colleague of his,  who is having a 4 year engagement after 10 of dating prior to engagement. I said that odd. (- side note, I am allowed to have my own opinion. I can say what I think. The couple in question weren’t at the table and all I said is, that’s odd. Listen when it comes to these matters - in my opinion. It’s simple. Shit or get off the pot. Fabulous saying) Anyhow, he went off on one saying how judgemental I am etc etc, how I’m so negative etc. listen folks, if you don’t like my company than use your legs. It’s simple. The next day the same friend decided to text me about an instagram repost. It was on Covid. There is no way that I’m going to get into that with him or with anyone to be frank. You either went with the narrative or you didn’t. If he had a problem with what I reposted or wanted to get into it. He could have done that with the actual author of the post. 

And remember surgery recovery friend. She wrote a long text about the family car being broken into in germany while on a road trip holiday. This is terrible, but she also explained how they took her suitcase and she had to wear the same clothing. Also they drove the 17 hours back to the UK a week later without having the window repaired. Folks… my brain does not compute. It’s a lotus dos failure ( please google lotus dos - yes I’m that old). Why am I feeling sorry for someone who is CHOOSING to wear the same clothes when there are millions of stores in the country where she is in. AND the car German. Why would you not get the window repaired there. More importantly… why I care!!! This is none of my business. Everybody else’s life is not my problem.

Now for me and my hangover. I think the problem is, I Love these people. I do, I really do. BUT they are on their own path. I need to care less, I need to detach. I have wanted a personality transplant but that doesn’t actually exit. 

I was back at home on Saturday, away from everyone, just sitting on my sofa getting ill. Firstly I stupidly googled the squatter in the garage. As 6 months have passed now, he has legal rights, she’s also supplied him with electricity. Her word for the situation is: I’m an empath. Oh and she’s super close to her siblings and she hasn’t told them. She is aware that they will worry. 

The other friends listed above will just carry on. 

I need to stop caring or I need to no longer have close relationships with humans. 

I hate transactional small talk but then important big talk gets me sick. 

I have to figure this out. The detox everything and everyone will help loads. Maybe I just need to see who I am in December. 

The English Patient is one of my favourite films! Glad it won a load of Oscars. There is a scene where metaphorically talks about cutting out his heart and in the morning it is full again. 

God is that me too! I just don’t know how to not love and care. 

Coach Renee will say, I just need to observe.

I also need to stop getting ill. The illness is real. For the last 3 days, I have slept when I can, I’ve coughed, sneezed, had a fever and felt like shit. 

Am I fucked? Maybe

Guess who is seeing humans again 

Friday, Saturday and Sunday!

Fuck me!!!

Flow & Taco Tuesday

Saturday July 11th 2026

​I’m starting this entry from my office aka the bathtub. I think if I was a millionaire I would have some sort of standing desk in a pool with a waterproof keyboard. I’m sure that sort of thing works. I know when I was working for the NHS we have these really clean keyboards that you would just wipe etc. 

The football is also on right now, house mate is watching and I’ll watch towards the end when it’s important. I’ve only ever lived in 2 countries; I can tell you that how England scores affects life on the street. Happy people vs sad people. 

Regardless of the footy, we get to choose how we want this precious life to play out. 

As mentioned in previous entries, I’ve fallen off the radar with the core folks. I still send the occasional text. One of them asked how I was doing etc. This was my response:

(Start of text)

Hey, thanks for the text. I’m mostly ok with the heat most nights. Even the days, I seem to be wearing lots of strapless bandeau dresses so it’s working. 

I spoke to my brother the day after the last text. It’s clear that my family think and do things very differently to me. 

We had a family call yesterday and it was even more evident that not only are we on 2 different paths, we are also moving further away. 

I don’t suspect there will be any change with my sister at all, she continues to be consumed with my father’s health and is planning another holiday. I come from a long line of avoidant people who run from their problems. 

I on the other hand, run towards my problems to resolve them. 

There is no right or wrong; there is no rule book. 

All I know is that I wish them well. I won’t be allowing their dramas to affect me any longer.

xx 

(text ends)

My new normal feels more, more and more like normal. It’s almost not even new anymore. It’s remarkable how we can shape our own lives. 

Let’s talk about flow, being in it, and what that looks like in my life. 

Coach Renee has been consistently telling me to clear my diary, just be, be still, and let things flow. My human design also explains that my life is much better when things to come to me. 

For the longest time I’ve been operating in my masculine. This is pretty normal behaviour if you are single and you have to do everything on your own. This is normal; I’m not criticising the way I’ve had to operate. I can’t be Barbie waiting for Ken to get on with it. However, there are moments every day when I don’t have to be doing all the time. I can’t see what happens. I don’t have to plan everything. I can be in flow.

Flow can look like so many things. I’ve lived with my housemate for the last 8 years now. I couldn’t tell you how this has happened but he cooks for me now. Like often. At least twice a week. He has completely transformed the house over the last few years. He fixes things, cuts the grass in the garden, vacuums. It’s bloody great! Keep in mind, I do plenty for him too. Maybe it’s just starting to be reciprocated. Who knows. 

Tuesday July 14th 2026

 I’m on my way to taco 🌮 Tuesday with Mr.Richmond. For the life of me, I can’t remember what he’s called on this blog. I last saw him post surgery in May. He drove across London to visit me. He’s a good apple. One of his best compliments to me, was the fact that he could never lie to me. I believe him too. Even when he knows I would be disappointed, he still tells me what he’s been upto. 

Taco Tuesday is also part of the flow. As mentioned in previous entries, I told the core group (4 people) that I won’t be social calendar 📅 diary secretary. Since then, there has not been a single get together. Some have made more of an effort, some less so. I’m remaining in flow with no judgment. If it’s meant to be, it will be. 

So Taco 🌮 Tuesday. I sent the restaurant details to the 4 of them. Then one came back to me. I said pick a Tuesday. The suggested Tuesday worked for me. Before I knew it, he made the restaurant reservation too! You have no idea how nice it is when the admin is done. It’s a delight. 

The restaurant was on the 15th floor so nice views of London. After 8 rounds of taco’s we then strolled around this beautiful city. The final part was a proper old fashioned pub. Spain 🇪🇸 was winning and I’m so happy for them. Let them enjoy this time. 

Until we meet again….

I still need to explain how great my Brighton trip was