This is rather embarrassing or it could be interpreted as a huge breakthrough. I suffer from human hangovers. Maybe I’m secretly allergic to humans. I do wish it was that easy, to mock a self diagnosis. But it’s not. I’ll explain in sec.
Just know that I’ve thought being a hermit could be really cool. Also when watching the film: into the Wild. I thought, this is the life. The book was written in 1996 and the film came out in 2007. Sean Penn directed and the soundtrack is amazing! It’s by Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam.
Ok, let’s jet into the human hangover (hopefully you are now reading as you have Eddie in your ears)
I cut out toxic people out of my life a good decade ago. It’s more like 15 years or more. I’ve gone one step further and cut out family too. There are very firm boundaries and I operate within this only. If I don’t maintain these boundaries I suffer the consequences big time.
I’m going to give real life examples of what human hangover means / feels like in my life. Let’s rewind to May when I had the nose surgery to breathe (I actually see that surgeon next week to check healing progress). So in a May I had the most wonderful friend come stay with me, take care of me, cook for me, tend to me, help me dress is needed. She was amazing. I will always be grateful. Now for the BUT… the pesky BUT. Within the first day where I was kept on the ward and the following 2 day at home, the worst was over. My nose stopped bleeding, I didn’t need pain killers, I was up and about etc. I should have told such friend, that I would assess my needs after 2 days and then let her know if I needed her to stay longer. Remember the housemate was at home too. Sadly I didn’t express myself properly and she left after 5 days. Even then she said I was kicking her out. I was firm in my tone, I was sorry that she felt that way but I was indebted for everything she had done for me. Now I needed to get on with it. ( I also needed my space back).
Now for the hangover part. After she left I was sick for 5 days. Full out, out of action. Sleep and bed was all I could do. Eventually I could watch TV but that was it. I was reliving all the conversations that zap my life force. This includes when I overheard conversations too.
Fast recap:
- I the author of this blog, can not do anything about the girls in Afghanistan. I am sorry for what they are dealing with. I can pray for them as I do for all the people in the world. Sure I can sign the occasional petition but unless I become a billionaire, I have little clout in the situation.
- Yes housemate and I are snobs, we choose to mostly only eat the heads or broccoli and cauliflower. The fact that we don’t eat the cabbage looking leaves or the chunk stalks is our problem. You do you, I do me, don’t judge me in my own home. (Listen! The whole fucking world has their own relationship with money - I’m not here to dissect it for you.) if I eat organic or not. It’s my problem.
Life got very busy since May and I haven’t seen her since, I’ll see her on Friday for the first time.
More hangover stuff. From the very recent blog entries you see that I visited a friend who’s dealing with adultery. It’s a lot.
The day before that, I stayed over at friends house, as it was a closer commute to above friend. This single friend has a homeless man sleeping in her garage. She’s given him her only key to the garage. It’s been 10 months and counting. Over dinner I tried to give her tough love but if you know me. I’m blunt and fuck and I fail miserably with this softy softy BS. I have too much passion. One of my many problems. Anyhow, I really really did try and be gentle. If I push my thought and concerns too much, she’ll divorce me as a friend. She’s also my oldest UK friend.
Then there is Mr.Richmond who’s got kid stuff. The mother of the child has a HUGE amount of issues, problems, trauma etc. None of this is addressed and trust me when I say, the child is being affected. Again I’ve tried hard to signpost and explain what happens to a child’s brain when they are not getting their needs met.
On the Wednesday, I met another very good friend at the pub for a long overdue catchup. Most of it was fine other than when we discussed a colleague of his, who is having a 4 year engagement after 10 of dating prior to engagement. I said that odd. (- side note, I am allowed to have my own opinion. I can say what I think. The couple in question weren’t at the table and all I said is, that’s odd. Listen when it comes to these matters - in my opinion. It’s simple. Shit or get off the pot. Fabulous saying) Anyhow, he went off on one saying how judgemental I am etc etc, how I’m so negative etc. listen folks, if you don’t like my company than use your legs. It’s simple. The next day the same friend decided to text me about an instagram repost. It was on Covid. There is no way that I’m going to get into that with him or with anyone to be frank. You either went with the narrative or you didn’t. If he had a problem with what I reposted or wanted to get into it. He could have done that with the actual author of the post.
And remember surgery recovery friend. She wrote a long text about the family car being broken into in germany while on a road trip holiday. This is terrible, but she also explained how they took her suitcase and she had to wear the same clothing. Also they drove the 17 hours back to the UK a week later without having the window repaired. Folks… my brain does not compute. It’s a lotus dos failure ( please google lotus dos - yes I’m that old). Why am I feeling sorry for someone who is CHOOSING to wear the same clothes when there are millions of stores in the country where she is in. AND the car German. Why would you not get the window repaired there. More importantly… why I care!!! This is none of my business. Everybody else’s life is not my problem.
Now for me and my hangover. I think the problem is, I Love these people. I do, I really do. BUT they are on their own path. I need to care less, I need to detach. I have wanted a personality transplant but that doesn’t actually exit.
I was back at home on Saturday, away from everyone, just sitting on my sofa getting ill. Firstly I stupidly googled the squatter in the garage. As 6 months have passed now, he has legal rights, she’s also supplied him with electricity. Her word for the situation is: I’m an empath. Oh and she’s super close to her siblings and she hasn’t told them. She is aware that they will worry.
The other friends listed above will just carry on.
I need to stop caring or I need to no longer have close relationships with humans.
I hate transactional small talk but then important big talk gets me sick.
I have to figure this out. The detox everything and everyone will help loads. Maybe I just need to see who I am in December.
The English Patient is one of my favourite films! Glad it won a load of Oscars. There is a scene where metaphorically talks about cutting out his heart and in the morning it is full again.
God is that me too! I just don’t know how to not love and care.
Coach Renee will say, I just need to observe.
I also need to stop getting ill. The illness is real. For the last 3 days, I have slept when I can, I’ve coughed, sneezed, had a fever and felt like shit.
Am I fucked? Maybe
Guess who is seeing humans again
Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
Fuck me!!!
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