Grief is held in the lungs 🫁

​Now I’ve known this for so many, many years. I can vividly remember that when Mark died I ended up with a chest infection. 

Here is a side note. When I lived in North America I often had Laryngitis, Bronchitis etc. I always got the official title, you don’t really get that so much in the UK. 

So my lungs ache and the pain wakes me. I’ve been awake since 3am coughing. I’m tired and fed up. I’ve now made it to the front room. (PS. It’s a tiny house so please explain why I call it the front room. It could be the lounge which also sounds grand. I haven’t called anything the living room for decades). I’m parked on the sofa with a hot water bottle and a cup of tea. It’s almost 5am and I will try and sleep soon. 

So back to the grief. Coach Renee has been saying for months now that I’m mourning my old life, my old friendships where I have changed etc. She’s on the ball, I think I’m also mourning the life I never had. Also worth noting, I can’t even put my hand on my heart and say it was the life I wanted. I mean I know what I want, I also know that I have been lucky to have dodged many bullets when it comes to the wrong man. The last one was close call and that was 2 years ago. 

I fell asleep for a few more hours, now typing in the tub. 

Now when someone near you dies, it often puts things into perspective, gives one a lease of life to resolve family issues etc. I’ll be honest, this is not the case for me. I’m sorry if this hurts you. I know it hurts people like Cauli. 

I’m a simple (and complex) girl. Strip it all back. If you are unable to converse with me without shouting, yelling, hanging up the phone and criticising me. Then you are not my people. It doesn’t matter is blood is / was involved. 

Another thing has been happening in the last few days, my dad is struggling to reach his older brother who lives in the UK. Gosh they had the most contentious relationship but patched things up 30 plus years later in 2023. I hope he’s alive, my dad can sort or find out. Dementia Dad does have some or a lot of mental capacity. Also we didn’t grow up knowing any of my dad’s side of the family. It’s all so telling really. 

I’m grateful (mostly) for my life but I do wish that 2 strangers white very different values marry after 6 days and then proceed to have 3 children. 

Another observation from 2 of DM & RDM granddaughters. One was in the teen room Old Trafford, the other was on a plane ✈️ flying from Australia back to London. These 2 kids like each other, then even love each other. The end the FaceTime call with love. 

Again watching 👀 all of this over the last 5 days is probably the root pain of the hole in my heart. 

Now, god willing I don’t have a hole 🕳️ in my heart but the physical pain of coughing, lungs, ribs, SIBO indigestion is high up and near the heart area. It will pass like all the other things in my life but it’s funny. 

I’m going to try and post more real time so even if you see an entry, go back to it as it may have a whole lot entered. I like to write on the bus and I have a good few bus journeys. 

Last night as I was driving to the family house, I got a text from the NHS. 

My SIBO antibiotics are ready for collection. It’s just a fucking shame that I can’t get it from any pharmacy (I have several very near me) I need to go far to get it. 

TTLY

Here are more reflections and conversations. 

DM’s middle daughter in the one that I’m the closest to. We went to see Mel Robbins together a few years ago and it was great. She was telling me about finding a white feather 🪶 yesterday. Also the day before she was in her dad’s office collecting photos for the picture slide show. Her father (my uncle) was working on a book of her pictures in chronological order. How nice that he was making this for her. She was also the one family member so stayed the night in the hospital, the day before he died. I was telling of a great book by neuroscientist Dr.Tara Swart called The Signs. It’s really good. 

Yesterday I was also talking to another cousin of mine. She is the eldest daughter of the eldest son. So my mom’s eldest brothers (TM) daughter (H). I’ve mentioned this trauma I. The blog before but it can be very triggering. (child toddler death). 

19 years ago to almost the day, H was pregnant with her daughter (N) when she (we) found out that her sisters son had drowned in a pool at age 2. (It would have been his 20th Birthday today - he had just, just turned 2. He was a baby still) There will never be words to explain what did or didn’t happen, or the grief the whole family experienced. What we did talk about was how her pregnancy with N was so affected by what was going on around her. I was saying that the aftermaths of H’s feelings / emotions during pregnancy and the formation N play out today. She couldn’t agree more. 

Oh! Here is something a bit lighter and funnier. The 3 daughters and DM 2 brothers were deciding on the floral arrangement that will go in the hearse car. The have decided with DAD. But the joke was his wife’s first name because he would call out to her a million times a day. 😂 

I thought that was funny.